Somacow Videos

Originally drizzled at SomaCow.com In this episode, we covered the South Carolina governor s cheating ways, our manly things, Canada Day, Independence Day, and porn on the iPhone. I feel awful Our listener Glenn Webber took over writing show notes for me, and I just now got them in my email inbox. They are lengthy and thorough, and the last two blogs really should reflect that. Good work, Glenn! So, it seems pretty lockstep around the show that cheating is a no no. We ll have to verify with Mickey when he gets back. I have never understood the concept of cheating, and why you would not just tell the person you are with that it is over before you start a new plough. I am happy I sewed my royal oats, as it were, before I got married. I look around me and see 90% of the marriages of my friends ending in a bitter unfaithful divorce. A wise guy I know says if you ever want to think a thing through, write out all the pros and cons and determine the end sum reached. - Itchy Dick - Many are the men who thought their one stop pantsdrop would be a momentary lapse of penis, but the reality is that more than half the people you know got something funky going on down undah. Condoms can t stop it all, people. What if the herpes is on the pubis? Not only do you get that sick feeling in your stomach of being forever afflicted with some nasty nads, but you will eventually give it to your current partner, maybe even any kids you have. Yech. Wham, Bam, OH MY GOD IT BURNS. - Layin Low - Seriously What if the girl you pick to cheat with is a fat chick? Or that loud abrasive gal in sales, with the hook nose? What if she s just needy, and stalks you, calling you at all hours of the night, leaving snotty notes on your car, showing up around your boys and asking for you. You don t need this noise. Boiling a bunny is just where it starts, and most women know that a cheating guy wants to keep it on the dl. Once a chick knows what you do NOT want, she has a choke chain on you for the duration of your indiscretion. Never give another person your rope. - Twice the Price - Maybe money isn t a problem for you. Maybe you have cold hard cash pouring out of your ears, pooling around you, causing you to engage in Scrooge McDuckin swimming sessions in an ocean of finance. For the rest of us, cash is scarce, especially now. Unless you like washing the sheets once a day, you probably cannot bring your mistress to your bed, and so you end up getting hotels, or driving to their place. Might as well take them to dinner. Oh, and it s their birthday, gotta get them a bracelet or some other hunk of metal that says, thanks for effing me! Whoops Your wife is now feeling like you never take HER out to dinner, better get her some baubles, too, and on and on and on. I hear a lot of dudes bitch about how expensive it is to divorce. It is far more expensive to juggle dames. I could go on, but you won t read it. Now, here is what you get for cheating - To Stick It In A New Hole Whoopty Shit. The curious thing about holes is that once you have explored their depth, they are pretty much like every other hole out there. Do what I did Get pretty good at spelunking, check out a bunch of shallow caverns, and then go find yourself a Carlsbad. Spend the rest of your life learning its intricities. And for God s Sake bring a canary.

Originally MCed at SomaCow.com In this, our finest hour, we talked about the lyrical gangstas, Tasty Kakes, and Small . umm . Packages. No, really! I am now well aware of the fact that J, Mickey, and I are quite white. Quite. That being said, we certainly want to pay respect to great black music. Who among us hasn t felt the joggle and bounce of some great urban beats and desperately wished they could hustle , whatever that is? The sad reality is that it takes a lot to bridge the gap between whites and blacks with regard to music. Sure, it s easier for you kids today with your equal regard for one another and your crazy zebra love, but there was a lot of racial confusion and misunderstanding leading up to such synergy. I figured this would be a good time to provide you, dear loyal reader, with my list of the top five Entry-Level Black Artists, Those That Made White People Timidly Shake Shake Shake That Ass, that aren t Run DMC. #1. Mike Jackson - He died. Boohoo. Sob. He also may or may not have touched kids, slept with Elvis s daughter, and freaked out a generation. But before all that, he wanted to rock with you. See? ROCK. Gently lulling the white butt to the dance floor, entrancing white flute-loving folks with his randomly high voice and slick beats, Michael made a lot of people forget his origins as a jive-ass Jackson. And he spent a lot of money bleaching whatever remained. #2. Wil Smith, aka Will Smith, aka Willard Christopher, aka The Fresh Prince, aka That nice one - Before he beat the hell out of Aliens and Zombies and Immortals, Will was a rapper your mom could get behind, or in front of as it was a well known fact that Will Smith would do your mom. Maybe he added the extra l for legit when he became legit. Legit. #3. Digital Underground aka Greg Shock G Jacobs, a Florida boy! He brought a Weird Al clothing to dope beats. Some of the best lyrics ever written in the Humpty Dance and guaranteed to be heard booming out of various pick-up trucks and Preludes across white America. What I liked is that he would just let the music and beat keep on going and rap freestyle to it. #4. MC Hammer with his lead in You Can t Touch This instantly enslaved an entired generation of MTV listeners, forcing them to take the plunge into black music, equiped only with some parachute pants and some of the chunkiest technicolor fly girls ever filmed. Why are his pants so baggy? Because they re filled with hope. #5. Onyx - In theory, this is also a rap band, but you know them as the guys that provide legitamcy to Biohazard s Slam . A little know fact is that there are no actual lyrics to Slam or if there are, you re not aware of them, being white, but you feel authentic as you bounce your head just in time for the chorus again to repeat slam slam duh duh duh, duh duh duh, nana noise be boys, slam Did I miss anyone?

Originally gifted at somacow.com You know, it s Father s Day and even though the guys don t talk about being dads until hour 3, I m taking over the blog today. The guys do talk about our ice skating trip, paper towels and toilet paper, pizza, buying things from door-to-door salespeople, twitter games, SomaCow t-shirts, Other Peoples Podcasts, and more food. But I m writing this for Geoff so it s all up to me. You know, buying things for Geoff is difficult. This isn t a look at me but just want a little sympathy :) So what DO you get a man who buys what he wants as he wants it? He doesn t need or want new technology. He doesn t like getting media as presents so no DVDs, books, music etc. Well, I got him a tree. It has meaning so hush. And I also wanted to put together a DVD for him of Rowan s first year. I thought about doing this way back 6 or 8 months ago. I started saving the videos and putting them on my My book . I started going through them and, if they were good, put them in another folder. This may sound simple for some, but it seemed like every time I got a few minutes, something else came up! I really wanted to do this on my own (put the video together) but was down to just throwing them all on a DVD unedited (about 2 hours of just raw footage) or talking to a friend for some help. I have to thank Kelly (@peglegpug) and Jeff (@banankin) for all of their help! I mean besides doing the recording and then uploading them for them, they did this all! A video for Geoff of Rowan and her first year. It would mean the world to us if you would look at it, share our happiness. It s only a few minutes long. And thank you again Kelly and Jeff! The video can be found here. But finally, I d like to thank Geoff, the father of my baby. Of course I wouldn t be Rowan s mom if if weren t for Geoff. But I want to thank him. He supported me through a completely unmedicated labor. He was there for the two weeks prior when I was having contractions every day. He was by my side during the birth and after. He stayed up with me while I was trying to feed Rowan in those first few weeks and has continued to support my feeding her now. He worked harder and longer so I could cut my income to stay/work at home with Rowan (and still does). He shows Rowan everything he does from cooking, to swimming, to turning on and off the computer. He reads to her, he dances with her, he loves her. I could not have hoped for a better father for my child and I think you, Geoff, for being my baby daddy. I love you!

Originally regifted at SomaCow.com. If you are reading this on some con Asian site blathering about pharmecuetacils, our work here is finished. In this, our finest hour, we discussed Bad shoes, Bacon lasagna Fail, and we hark the Harold Anal Gel regarding a holiday of such stupendous splendifferanimousacity, I just don t have the words. It s almost Mickmas, kids, and that puts us at SomaCow in a giving mood. So much so, that we have gifted YOU, the teeming masses of the Heard, with an opportunity to own some cotton! I am talking about T-shirts, people. They are on sale, they are nifty, and you can buy them here. Mickey is aging again, apparently. I know this will sound odd, but I have now known Mickey for, like, 9 years. He doesn t change. Like, okay, you know how he is always dieting? HE NEVER LOSES WEIGHT. And it s not that he is fat, cause he never GAINS weight. He doesn t age, his voice doesn t change, his skin, hair, eyes, demeanor, style, and the cut of his very jib are the EXACT SAME as the day I met him. I am starting to think he might be a T-1000. So, what do you buy for the man who thinks he knows everything? I ve been on the horns of this dilemma since ten minutes ago, when my wife leaned over and said, hey, it s Mickey s birthday soon. Do I go full man, maow maow man and buy him something for his bike? His truck? His gun? Do I go sentimental, and make him a scrapbook of all the great time he and J saw eye to eye on a matter? Do I get him a pony? A hooker? A hookah? A snapdragon? Peas? A Tattoo? A Dog? I know this much He does a lot around this website. The forums, the files, the audio uploads and clean ups, the whipping of the Production Staff, the flogging of the Hopper, the fighting of various and sundry virii, the drafting of graphics, the forming of ideas Christ What do EYE do around here? Besides bitch and blog poorly? http://www.twitter.com/somacow - +1 point for every positive tweet you send his way about him. No cap. Make sure you use the hashtag #Mickmas If you have a Mickey in your life, hug him! Let him know how much he means to you!

Originally victimized at SomaCow.com In this episode, we discuss beards, magicians, and ogling the fairer sex. The more I research it, the more it seems true - All magicians are con. David Blaine is a sessy eyed demon, forced to walk the Earth and perform silly card tricks and snort snakes and such for mortals, but even his Azazel-loving butt spends his free time snuggling up with men in a nancy way. What kind of man spends this much time surrounded by balls? David Copperfield was this supposed lech, banging broads from one end of the country to the other, summoning a swirling ocean of babes, one floating carnation at a time. The Claudia Schiffer years were reportedly proof positive that he is as straight as an insole in J s shoe, but you will surely agree David dresses less like Houdini and more like Those White Tiger Dudes. Rawr. Crisstina? Crystal? Karina Angel, aka the Mindfreak. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA. Yeah, seriously. A Joisey boy wearing mascara, hanging out with models and cavorting while pretending to be a musician He s either gay, or Bon Jovi. The deeper I delve, the more I realize, all Magicians are Con. Prove me wrong.

Originally posted up (get it, another basketball reference but eerily appropriate!) at SomaCow.com OK, seriously, we ve been putting out SomaCow shows on the Monday/Wednesday/Friday schedule for eons. This means the blogs are written Sunday/Tuesday/Thursday night. So why do they keep playing the NBA finals games on blog writing night??? And Geoff is out in the garage Studio G trying to fix things now that our a/c was completely destroyed today (yeah, the one we just bought). So here I am, by myself. But let me take this time to mention our good friends at The Channel Project. Check out their shows! In this, their finest hour, the guys talked about comedians, sponsors, and barbecue. The guys are trying to make their top list but what is a good number? 100? Is that too long? But seriously can you only do 10? We would love some more sponsors, too bad the car industry is sucking so bad. Maybe some of the local barbecue places? Barbecue is really something that s hard to chain, it needs to be some home cooking. I m really sorry these are so short but the game is back on. And the baby is pulling out the power cord. And I m thirsty. Bye! Jen

Originally exchanged at SomaCow.com Brought to you in this hour by Spinward Fringe - Broadcast IV is now available for Mobipocket download, with hard copies soon to come. For some of the best space fiction you can find this side of Babylon V, go and enjoy Randolph LaLonde s incredible series. I love it, Ross loves it, and J likes shrimp. In this hour, we discussed the insidious plot of the Amero, and our dollar s demise. Right now, operatives in Russia, China, Azkaban, Altoona, and Portmanteau are hard at it, whittlin away at the power of our tender legal like old men with whittlin knives. What are YOU doing to learn more about this terrifying turn of events? Have you watched the video? North American Currency Even the helpless Canadites are aware of the impending downfall. You mock. You giggle. It s happened. By Christmas, we will see the roll out of a new currency, with Serpentor s head on it, and the coin will be made of red dragon gold, which is hot to the touch. Amero Video Okay, so not everyone can agree on the coin s actual shape, weight, material, or value, but WE KNOW IT IS REAL. Not ONLY will we be buying our jerky with new crimson cash, we will ALSO be riding a new highway to do it! The NAFTA Super Highway All kidding aside The dollar s day seems to be coming. I will miss our esoteric monopoly money. We also talked about Vegans, the 0.05k Cure for the Run, and Just Bee graced us with a call. It seems her husband vanished for 3 days, leaving no word of his well being, so she s retributin . I am trying to think of the last time I went one day without calling Jen. Speaking of which JEN! Come finish writing this blog. It s covered in Slimy You Tube links. Um .Jen here. We believe Rowan truly said her first word Puppy . Fin.

Originally ham dunked at SomaCow SomaCow is brought to you in this hour by Adam and Eve Dot Com - Enjoy their massive selection, and type in promo code moo to receive 50% off on damn near anything, in addition to 3 free dvds and a special gift! It s the right thing to do, and it is way more fun than eating oatmeal! In this hour, we discussed the recent championship action of the Orlando Magic basketball team. They have since gone on to clinch their series, which is making most Orlandoianites hoot and or holler. This gets us on the subjects of sports, bandwagonry, referees, and ummm colgate? Sorry for any of you that were enjoying food when we got to that part. Hey! We got a bunch more done on the new studio, so go swing by our forums and check out the work. I also posted some video Jen shot of the second day blow-in. +10 points for the first listener to guess how many hams I was smuggling under my yellow shirt that day! Happy Birthday to Mustang Sally, by the by. She s a damned peach, she is. I gotta go find my Jaguars hat. Mickey keeps knocking it off.

Originally toked at somacow.com SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you by   uh wait .. what? Even with some alleged short term memory loss, it was pretty easy to remember the first topic from this hour. Elross put it very plainly, in bold, WEED! Geoff believes that he is now for legalization of marijuana. California is looking into it, as tax revenue. Just think of how much money would be made! I talk to people all the time, of all ages, who say oh, yeah, we smoke pot . They are professionals, all ages, all races. Pot smokers are not just college students or drop-outs being lazy and getting high while watching Up In Smoke or Dazed and Confused anymore. It is recognized by many for its medicinal properties and for just relaxation. So why is it still illegal? Mickey thinks it makes you lazy. Maybe the people for the legalization just don t have the drive to get out there and make changes? So besides this, the man thing of the week was discussed. Geoff turned the wheel, Mickey forgot to minimize his porn surfing, Ross is thinking, and J snored? I guess that s manly. Women snore, I know I have and my mom does but I guess we just don t admit it often? Or maybe the men just don t complain. Probably the latter. Mickey s life coaching centered around the current schools in our system and how worthless they are. Did you get a good education? Was it public? private? How about your kids? Many men say to look at your girl s mom and you ll see your future. But what about guys? Are you like your dad? Do you look like him or act like him? I know that the things I was immediately attracted to in Geoff absolutely resembled my dad. Are you in the Central Florida area? If so, we re trying to plan an ice skating meetup/tweetup on June 13th. You can check out the details (or add suggestions) here! And we are still working out the details on the Cure for the Run on August 22nd. We re trying to nail down the charity. Have you had experience with charity functions? Maybe you can assist us! We d love to get your input. You can discuss it with us here. You can donate via paypal to somacow@gmail.com and just put cure for the run or some other designation for it!

Originally squirted out at somacow.com SomaCow is brought to you in this hour by adamandeve.com - They have a wide variety of quality adult products, and we recommend them to you. Seriously. Go buy stuff, and type in the word Moo for a damned decent discount. In this hour, we discussed Da Rain, again, falling on our heads like a tragedy. I want to know, have you ever seen the rain? Red rain, or Purple Rain, coming down. If we sound a bit whiny, blame it on the rain, yeah. No point in Crying in the rain, though, cause you Can t Keep the Rain from Getting In, no. In a weird way, I m Only Happy When It Rains, but I have heard It Never Rains in Southern California. No, Let It Rain, and We ll be Naked in the Rain, the Cold November Rain. Though this is barely June yet, Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head. Who ll Stop the Rain? Seriously. It s precipitatious, baby. We chatted some about the recent Jen Cookian CF13 News Tweetup, which I was sad to have missed, but Mickey and J and Ross and Jen and Rowan and half the damned network managed to make it to, so, good. I apparently missed out on free margaritas and meeting cool people and magic tricks and more. Damnit. Perhaps next time. We really like Madame Cook. We also took a live call from Mister 32 in Vegas, who assaulted the roulette tables in our honor, probably breaking six laws involving betting across a Ustream Chat interface. I again thank him for calling in - Made my night. I have a gambling problem, as evidenced by my 120,000,000 meat debt in the Kingdom of Loathing. What kind of a loser loses the financial equivalent of 240 dollars in an internet video game? It s Just Geoffy. Jesus Wept. Enjoy the show, and drink more Starbucks!

Originally posted at SomaCow.com SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow brought to you by Kernel Encore. In this, their middle hour, the guys discussed food (hey, they had a guest 3rd hour, had to bump it up), manly things and more food. Geoff s been having to go out of town a lot for his work, which really makes us relish the time we have together. Last week, we went out for a nice evening of sushi. The place we went to normally has tons of people in it, but I guess in this economy delicious raw fish is the first thing to go. The good side of that meant an empty restaurant where Rowan could babble to her heart s content. Afterward, we enjoyed a nice cup of coffee while listening to some guy be manly leaving his Cobra running the whole time. What of that? Maybe he was getting a little something something? Either that or he liked to watch people drink coffee under an old bank drive thru while big and tall men enter the one store for them left in town. You know what though? It was a great night. It used to be that a great night meant going out downtown all dolled up, finding some great music and drink specials, and crashing at home until noon the next day. With work and SomaCow Media and Rowan, I ve come to appreciate that time together, away from the TV and computer and bills, as simple as it might seem. Oh crap, this is the SomaCow blog, not the Jen blog so back to the show. Oh to be manly. J went to Red Lobster and refused  the most expensive thing on the menu that they accidentally brought him, in lieu of what he wanted. In return, they got all kinds of free stuff! I guess that s pretty manly. If not, he also made some martinis which is always a great back up. Mickey taught his sister how to fly. Geoff didn t listen to a woman. I m sure that woman was not me, what? Listener Glenn actually recorded his manly thing of the week! The guys put out the challenge to everyone to do that and post it in reply to Glenn s found here. One thing they did listen to me about was popcorn. Yeah, I know a way to get myself and Rowan in the studio now and then. On twitter, I m following Kernel Encore, a popcorn place that is Ben Hur! I won their weekly twitter drawing and they sent me a 12-pack of sample bags (which could feed a couple people each) for us all to share. I let the guys try to figure out what I gave them, and they were pretty good at it. The guava one surprised me, I thought it would be funky but it was very tasty. I also kind of liked the beer popcorn. J took home about 3 bags of it so he ll have to let us know Friday at the live recording how those were.

Originally posted on SomaCow.com SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow brought to you by Adam and Eve. Check out their site by clicking on their name and you can get 50% off your item, 3 free DVDs and another surprise gift! In this hour, the guys talked about drinking, big heads, and sports! Yes, that s what I said. So this past weekend was an Orlando area beerfest. There are a few of these each year but we always seem to find out about them too late! While Geoff and I might not be big drinkers with Rowan around, we do enjoy a good microbeer and may have enjoyed attending. I know the economy is bad but there should still be SOME advertising dollars out there? Maybe it s us and we don t listen to or watch enough things with ads in them. Anyway, there was a beer fest and hopefully we ll make the next! The discussion turned to something, then, that I hadn t thought of. See, I used to never mix any liquor with coke. Coca-cola classic was my favorite soda and so putting any liquor in it tainted the taste of the coke! I started, in more recent years, to drink coke with rum sometimes. But what would I have done if I went to a bar with a taste for a rum and coke and they only had Pepsi? I can taste the difference as I believe most people can but would it matter with rum in it? I tried rum and diet coke once when I was on a diet and it was horrible so I m not sure I could drink rum and Pepsi After yet another great newsbomb from J, the guys and the live chatroom threw out a hearty congratulations as J became a grandfather again this week. All are doing great and a big congrats to him and the family! To honor this special occasion, they got him a hat and shirt to remind him what a great grandfather he is. J, instead of thanking them, just lamented his big head. He showed the guys how it wouldn t fit and he looked like a trucker. Mickey pointed out to him that he had to pull the hat down over his well-geled hair and once he did this it fit just fine. I know J, mustn t mess up the locks! But it seems SomaCow and The Heard are some big headed people. Record your head size on the forum! And then the guys talked about sports! I know, crazy, but it s true. Our own Orlando Magic had just beaten the Celtics in game 6, forcing a game 7. While most of us don t normally watch sports, the fever was catching! I just realized that tonight was game 7 and checked it out and the Magic won! So go team :) We also were blessed by a call from our favorite local newsy person and friend, Jen Cook. She and her News 13 buddies are hosting a tweetup. So if you are local and are reading this before Tuesday night, come by! We ll be at Wall Street Cantina enjoying a free margarita!

Originally posted at SomaCow.com Brought to you by AdamandEve.com - Get down in the Garden with this link, and receive 50% off most any item, plus 3 free DVDs and a special gift from the fine folks at Adam and Eve. Thank them for supporting the show, and support the show by thanking them, sinner! In this, our finest hour, we discussed End Times, including a new and exciting way I had not heard posited before today. Our listeners know that we are not crazy bunker people, but as I sat down and had a cerveza with my stepfather, we got to discussing the importance of being prepared . The question occurred to me - Just what the Hell are we preparing for? There are so many ways the collective Planet Poop can hit the Fan of Eternity. Ross s wife seems content to purchase rice by the truckload and solemnly pray to the Lord. J has opted for a Be so hedonistic and manly that he lapses into diabetrees lifestyle. Mickey learned to fly plains, and next helicopters. I have been studying living off the land, and tilling a small volume of soil for the largest yield of crop. Do you make preparations in some small way for the unnamable End Times our society seems convinced is on the way? I suppose the smart thing to do would be Identify the Means to Said End . Below is a list of the top ten ways we are all gonna die. Plan well! 10. Nuke U - Since that ever-so exciting day when America Exerted Her Will on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, we have all known it would end in fission. Er Fusion? One of those. Expect a big initial display of exciting fireworks, followed by a whole lotta cold, melty November rain. The lucky die, the survivors eat pain for the next 500 years, give or take. 9. Going Viral - Whether they be manmade, or nature s brew, viruses are the perfect weapon. Our defenses can only hold out so long. With the recent Hiney Swine Flu pandemic, we have seen how ineffective and meaningless any procedurals really will be against a sudden outbreak. We ll regret not being more forceful in our culling as the coughing and sneezing give way to intestine foaming and brain hemorrhaging. Bright side? Viruses need us. They ll be sure to leave a few of us around to maintain. 8. The Lamb of GAWD - Jesus is pissed off. I don t care what your silly red font tells you, Jesus is so freaking pissed, and he is going to fuck mankind up. The dude has more agony in store for us than a two-hour NewsBomb, and he cannot wait to unleash a bit of Vae Victus on our unrighteous asses. Expect scorpion-men to sting you with poison, forehead branding, public executions, and all kinds of stupid angels blaring horns and dropping shit into the ocean all day. +10 points to the first listener to nail Mystery . 7. Boom Shaka Laka - Earthquakes? Really? Into any list of ten, some zzz must fall. I mean, seriously Who is scared of a little shivering of me timbers? The reality is that the shaking could start tonight, causing widespread panic as the pacific rim goes postal, San Francisco gets pounded, Japan goes nips up, and our whole way of life changes forever. Get Your Mohorovi?i? rising! 6. Blowing our Stack - Volcanoes are Earthquake s fiery, way cooler siblings, volcanoes are actually God, and they are way angrier than Jesus. For too long we have been holding back the virgins, which volcanoes find delicious and nourishing. After a few hundred years of silence, they will rise once more, and pummel us with wicked lava, molten rock, and choking ash. If only I knew a virgin! Maybe the guys at Just Push Play can find me one. 5. Halley s Bop - Man has long gazed deep into the heavens each night, searching the sky for the one rock that is surely on its way to ruin the party, destroying the punchbowl of Earth like some massive, critical velocity having icefireturd. Some people, like me, know that this will happen in October of 2028. Don t believe me? That s fine. They didn t believe the boy who cried wolf, either. Because he was lying. But I am not lying. Seriously. Wolf. Help. Wolf. 4. Buzztime! - Look around you - Everything you see, delicious honey, flowers, dogfood, burlap, steel, moonbeams, and kelp are ALL made from bees. Except all the bees are dying. SomaCow Media broke the story a few years back, and still huge numbers of our Apiarian Friends are vanishing, dying, or generally taking way more PTO than they have been allotted. Long story short, no bees means no pollination, no pollination means no starfruit, no starfruit means Perez Hilton is livid, and a livid Perez Hilton may make us all off ourselves. Okay, I lied - It wasn t short. 3. Goats - Seriously. Have you looked at a goat? Stay the hell away from them. They are evil. Creepy damned animal. Except the fainting ones. 2. David Blaine - I have long posited that he is a daeaemon, set upon the Earth and cursed to perform stupid card tricks for fat women with bad weaves, but the fact remains - he IS a Deaoioumon, and he can eat your soul. If he were to ever enjoy a three-way with Kristina Angel and David Copperfield, the world would dissolve in a lake of really con fire. 1. Solar Wind - I talk about it in this episode. Holy crap, I just realized I still need to cover Aliens, and Zombies, and Global Warming, and Water Shortages, and J s Hydrogen Car issue, and There are never enough hours in my day. Have a great one, and we ll see you for the live show Friday Night - Lamb Willing.

Originally posted at SomaCow.com SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by SeaDad. Take a moment, and reflect on all that he and soldiers, seamen, and such do to make our lives less explosive every day. In this hour, Mickey gave us some Gulf War Stories, we talked for a few moments with twitter.com/beachbeat (Who still insists that she is NOT Drew Garabo calling in with an Orlando Magic halftime report, and we each provided our Manly Thing of the Week. Those of you that know Mickey know pain. Wait, no. Those of your that no Mickey gnaw pine. Crap The guy is just Okay You know how there is a river, or better yet, a creek? Or just a puddle. Yes. A Puddle. So there is this puddle, and it is just sitting there. Maybe it has a dull sheen of what could be motor oil or Arby s Roast Beef Rainbow Juice resting on top of it. So, you engage this puddle, and it sucks you in, and traps you forever in a mirror realm where conservative ideas seem sound, dogs are vile and to be avoided, and calculus is easy. Oh, and the puddle is deep. Like fathoms. Crazy deep. You get down there, and Captain Nemo is all like, Whoa, this be deep, yarr and you stare at him, cause he isn t supposed to talk like a Pirate, but this is Mickey we re talking about, and shit like that just happens. And while you are entirely sure you are not drowning in this puddle, you are still offput the entire time you have your face down there, cause it s just not what you are used to. In this hour, we get a glimpse a bit deeper into Mickey s Puddle. I mean, the dude sat on a nuke and pointed it around the ocean, and says it was, kinda boring . We d like to thank Beach Beat for calling in, and apologize again for any confusion. Essentially, Ross is on the social media sites during the show, pimping, hooking, and acting a lot like Cheech Marin outside a Mexican Burlesque Bar, roping in passers-by and generally selling what we are doing inside. It s enough to make me consider employing a phone screener. Maybe we can have a Beach Report next week, helping us to find the best place to stay this summer. I d also like to thank the boys down at Just Brakes for getting my car running again. It was expensive, but from all accounts, the same work at my dealership would have been thousands, and I am happy to have paid what I did. Ross s Manly segment wins this week. Peeow! PeeeOW! Thanks for listening, and remember to save the date for August 22nd!

Originally posted at SomaCow.com SomaCow Media is brought to you by  NSFW Adamand Eve.com NSFW - Order using offer code Moo to receive 50% off most any item, plus get 3 free DVDs and a special gift from the fine folks at Adam and Eve. In this hour, we discussed the passing of the enormous and lispy Dom DeLuise. He never got over the constant comparisons to that Seafood magic Paul Prudhomme dude, I guess. A true blow to the fat and fancy comedian world. There are very few of us left in the world, having lost Sam Kinison, Chris Farley, John Belushi, and Louie Anderson. Wait, is Louie even dead? Someone will know At this point, the only fat comics left are Ron White, Ralphie May, and Patrick Melton of NobodyLikesOnions.com - Stay Alive, Funny Fatties! We need you! We also discussed Oprah Winfrey s crazy chicken conflaguration - Essentially, KFC said hey, come try some free new grilled chicken . Oprah downloaded the coupons 6.8 million times, and the Colonel went batshit crazy, throwing biscuits and canes at people. It was insane, and we are miffed, mainly because I still haven t gotten my free chicken. Public relations nightmare, I am sure, but you should always count your chickens before you offer 4 free dinners to every American with a printer and penchant for poultry. We rounded out the hour discussing our new sponsor, and spending some time familiarizing our audience with the adult products made available at AdamandEve.com. You really dropped the ball and forgot Mother s Day? No problemo! Go and get her something nice from the best adult toy site on the internet!

Originally posted at SomaCow.com In this hour, brought to you by HealingRoni Pizza Delivery, I came to a startling realization. I had just kicked a key member of my show off, and it wasn t J! I was struck with the situation, namely, I had just sent Ross packing, he was already out the door, and I knew I had made a mistake. One of my greatest failings (there are many, stick around and try to make a list sometime) is that I rarely consider motive when I am upset. I am great at looking at the world through detached eyes, calmly surmising people and their actions and determining why they do the things they do. Or at least, that is what the tests I took on Spark told me in the nineties. But when I am angry, miffed, peeved, slighted, insulted, chagrined, embarrassed, threatened, irritated, or pissy, all I see is red. I acted in haste, seeing Ross as out of line, and now what the hell was I going to do? For the first time in SomaCow history, a new show did not start at the top of the hour. I went out of the studio, and found Jen. She was shocked, confused as to why things had gotten so serious, and she said Ross was already gone. I walked outside, with Mickey and J close behind (it was an opportunity for them to have an unscheduled smoke break, maybe?). I looked down the U of my street, left and right No Ross. No car. Did he walk? How the hell had he vanished so quickly? I knew I needed to call him. If I let it go to tomorrow, the bones would set that way, and there would be no repairing the damage done. I whipped out the iPhone, and immediately scanned Twitter. it just got real. ON Somacow. - ELROSS Well what the hell did THAT mean? I called Ross. Hey, Ross? Hey Where are you? Driving I was rapidly losing ground. I knew that if this call ended all jilted and stilted, I d have to side with my ego, and began the laborious process of walling myself off from Ross. I played back the last year plus of our friendship. Ross and Gary, Ross and Halloween Horror Nights, Ross in a suit atop a bar in downtown Orlando, Ross at my garage sale, buying comics for the kid, and really just assuaging my wife with her pregnancy fears. Ross at dinner, Ross talking to me about impending fatherhood, Ross giving advice on Birthing Centers, Ross giving advice on B4D, Ross shoving us to a tweetup, where we met great peeps. Hours of Ross, handling production, getting guests in and TFO of the studio, calling shows pimping SomaCow, bringing over snacks, bitting with J, giving me shit about smoking because he doesn t think I should die, Ross at Target, Ross and his many and varied Beard Competitions, Ross Ross Ross. I couldn t let him go. So I hatched a plan: You can t leave. There s Pizza coming. I know he saw through it. Mickey, J, Ross and I had a moment, there in that driveway. Why do I sound like Carrie Bradshaw all the sudden? In this hour, we discussed the Tweetup at Eden at the Enzian, chatted with Etanowitz of the Orlando Sentinel, talked about gay bars, and patched hearts.

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Dr. Phil, Stuart Smalley, and any other blowhard that can heal the rift. In this hour we discussed: Mickey at the Wolverine Premiere - Thanks again to Bad Apple Comics and Felix of PrimeTimeGeek.com - Mickey says he had a great time, but didn t want to drown us in spoilers til you people had a chance to see it for yourselves. You can always swing by our forums and ask him how it went. Some Uncomfortablemess. In our Manly Segment, I got onto the subject of how I am a dick, and J and Mickey were wise enough to just let my demands fall on deaf ears. Ross took it upon himself to defend the honor of Station Manager Jen, and her scullery duties, which lead to a less than positive discussion. It s inspired me to come up with a list of ten okay FIVE things I can do to make my wife s life easier on her: 1. Buy a new coffeemaker - Our Tassimo is kaput, and now the Cuisinart has started randomly ejecting hot grounds and barely brewed coffee onto the kitchen floor. If she has a new machine, she will attack the idea of making me a fresh cup of java with gusto aplenty! 2. Get a pillow for the bedside - Sometimes putting on my shoes requires leverage, and she really has to dig in her knees in order to get Mr. New Balance over the Giant Fat Foot of Geoff. 3. Shave the dogs - If the dogs wouldn t shed, my wife would not have to spend 13 hours a day seeking and scooping Siberian Husky Tumbleweeds, Australian Shepherd Snags, and Shiba Inu Puffs. 4. Change the baby, at LEAST once a week. It s a wonderful bonding time, and odds are 13 to 1 that it ll just be a pee pee, anyway! 5. Stop siding with Ross, since Jen hates it when I do that.

Originally posted at SomaCow.com Brought to you by The Willow Tree where you can see Gary of JPP and talk to him about beer! Well this was it! That s rigtht, the beer challenge we ve been talking about on the forum! Gary and Ross made beer. I say that because, well, you ll see. But anyway, there aren t many notes because Ross was readying his beer. I didn t take any pics because I was partaking in the tasting. So, Gary brought in a beautiful, yummy, beer. I drank it very quickly and wished there was more! Ross brought in his large mugs filled with a pale ale of some kind. It was flowery, or something. Anyway! Enjoy the episode and learn something about beer! What kind of beer would you like to see Gary make?

Originally posted at SomaCow.com Brought to you by the Great American Pie Festival of 2009 (2009). We went, and it was pie! In this hour, we discussed failing Inspection, Diet and Anger, The Pie Fest, and we thank you guys for downloading the show - I sincerely appreciate it! So, we hit the Great American Pie Festival, and I am sure you think Geoff ate the whole thing . I, sadly, did not, opting for a piece of no sugar added blackberry (which still rings in around 350 calories, but is nowhere near what I could have done). I went for a nice long walk with the wife, gave our daughter her first sunburn in the process (yeah, I ll yell at her on ComaSow, maybe), and got to hang out with Mickey and His Girl. It was a lot of fun, and my wife won Rowan a penguin and a cow. And ate 9 pies. And corn. And stroganoff? Weird. The event was down by Disney, in a town I hadn t really spent much time in yet. Those of you that do not live in Orlando may have heard of the community of  Celebration, Florida. It gets a bad rap on the web, with whispers of too-cute cookie cutter houses hiding a tendency to gloss over crime, danger, civil safety, humanity, you name it. I think Celebration gets a bad rap. The people are weird, but EVERY person on the street said hi to us. The houses are cookie cutter, but nobody had a goddamned hoop-rod rusting out on blocks in the street or on their yard. The dogs were everywhere, the chicks were everywhere, and there were restaurants and shops and good food and very little cigarette butts (except mine), and nice trees and It was Nice. Whatever evil they are hiding, no matter how few persons of we saw, at least it s clean. That s a bit more than I can say about some neighborhoods. I won t sit here and pretend that a part of me was not dying inside when they called for contestants in the pie eating contest and I did not spring into action. Maybe when I get under 300 lbs, I will allow myself something like that once in a while, but for now, it s sensible, rigid, and determined. Sort of like J trying on a pair of pants! Except not that rigid. Hope you enjoy, and vote for SomaCow!

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by VOTING FOR SOMACOW. If you listen to this show, and you like it, please vote for us. Thanks! In this hour, we discussed Mythbusters, Gay Marriage, Obama s gift giving, Apple Viruses, and Mickey s plan to beat Ashton Kootch to 2 million followers on Twitter. I wish Mickey luck, because at the rate Swine Flu is spreading, we may not have 2 million people left to log on to Twitter. I knew we were reaching a Bacon Event Horizon. Too much pork, too much delicious, sweet, savory pork, and now look where our arrogance has placed us. If we had only listened to religions that eschewed pork! Shame. In an effort to save YOU, the listener, I have come up with 5 simple ways you can avoid catching the vicious bug sweeping our Nation. 1. Eat Them Down - Like the rappers told us in the nineties, we need to kill all the Pigs. As a nation, let s get down to the store and buy and eat all of the bacon, chops, fatback, salted pork, sausages, brats, hot dogs, spam, ALL OF IT. Go full Porcine Carnivore, consuming every last scrap of the Other White Meat, and the pigs will be extinct. It is a presumed fact that an extinct species cannot catch any more colds. 2. Kick the Pig - If you are unable to eat pig, due to your silly God and his con rules , you need to defend yourself. Invest in a good steel toed boot, and be ready. At any moment, a friendly four legged hawg may come sniffing up to you, and you have got to put that sucker through the twin uprights of another land. Aim for the soft underbelly (directly below the belly, and above the soft underunderbelly), and try to kick THROUGH the pig. Some folks like to take the lift and toss angle, using their shin and ankle to boost the pig, but real distance will only come from a solid toe to tummy touch. If your pig does not Squee or pulls a 9 mm and starts yapping about your Miranda Rights, you are possibly dealing with a different animal altogether. 3. Use your Cough Button - It s a known fact to all but J that a cough button will protect you from the sound of your coughing on your internet radio show, but a little known fact is that cough buttons ALSO fight germs. Simply strap a cough button to your chest and walk amongst people, secure in the fact that you are not spreading your awful, wheezy phlegm onto passers-by whenever the orange lit button is depressed. The emotional state of the button is key, apparently. 4. Convert to Muslimanity or Jewishness - I know, it seems drastic, but when you take on either of these religions for yourself, the whole world shrinks into a manageable and fun microcosm. As a Muslim, you can either spend all of your time denying yourself pleasure, or trying to hurt, kill, maim, explode, and bore other people with your ideologue. As a Jewfolk, you get the joy of being where you are not wanted NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE, and making delicious deli meats. Choose your own adventure, and while you are arguing, feeling guilty, and exploding, you will no longer have time to worry about some silly Swine Flu. 5. Opt Out - It s well documented that a man dying of one disease simply doesn t have the time, spare cells to hijack, or energy to die of, another. Go get yourself a steaming cup of Avian Flu, or Ebola, or Malaria, or Whooping-Cushion Cough, or Tetanus, or Infatigo, or Biscuitmania, and sit back and enjoy your slow, agonizing end on YOUR TERMS. Don t let some piggish disease dictate your demise! There are literally tens of horrible diseases that will summate your experience in this world in a way you find acceptable. I am aiming for sexy robot lockjaw, but you are your own host, and must make your own choices. I hope this list helps you giggle a bit, before our inevitable and sudden death. It s been fun, though, and I thank you for listening. Do please set your podcatchers and RSS devices to auto-update, so we can still count you as a subscriber until your power company shuts down. Thanks!