Somacow Videos
newest 100 somacow videos / somacow widgets / media rss:

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by the Desert Inn Motel, Bar and Cafe. A veritable oasis of trucker diner food, nestled snugly in the vas deferens of Dear Old Florida. I highly recommend a visit, if you are ever halfway to Miami and suddenly want pie. In this hour, we discussed some select artists in the music industry, a fatty eatventure with me, and ANOTHER fatty eatventure with me! Sometimes, I wonder if the name of this show shouldn t be Let s All Listen to a Fat Guy Hurt His Belt. We opened up the hour discussing SynDown, a favorite side project of mine that I shelved due to lack of time and resources. Don t cry for me, girl in a gasmask wearing dayglo fishnets, because I still enjoy what I do, and will probably pick the project back up once there is time. But in the meantime, I still listen to music, whenever I can. I try not to limit my horizons, and thankfully, working with SomaCow Media affords me an introduction to bands like SOJH, The Guggenheim Grotto, Dirty Wormz, and countless other great acts. We went into a lively discussion about indie artists that are doing it right, like Radiohead and Dolly Parton? You betchore sweet ass, Dolly Parton! Sadly, one of my favorite indie artists released a new AHEM Project, namely Trent Reznor and the digital downloadfest known as Ghosts. Look. I don t want to get into an argument with you. I liked Trent since the second I heard two notes and a lyric from the man. I have followed him from PHM at the Edge, to Broken, to Downward Spiral, along Lost Highway, buried in the DVD for Natural Born Killers, around the back end of The Crow, all over The Fragile, left and right, and everywhere else the man has popped up. The sad fact is that Ghosts is a pantload. A dripping, steamy pantload. I wouldn t play this music for a Haunted House queue. I have listened to it thrice, and it is a giant better run to the bathroom or you are going to stain your shoes PANTLOAD. His last album was a pantload, too. There is no connectivity, no FEATURE, of the album to attach to. It is like staring at a white canvas displayed at the MoMA, and wondering what you are missing. You are missing nothing, and should spend your hard earned money elsewhere. Cathartic though it may have been for Trent, I would humbly ask that he return my money, and take back his moody chamber (pot) music. Mickey says Dolly Parton is better than Trent, and I agree. When I wasn t snorking listlessly to Ghosts, I spent some time in Southern Florida this week, and visited yet again the hole known as Yeehaw Junction. Fascinating back story to this place, if you want to learn more, you can read the Wiki article. I merely would like to comment on the fact that, for a moment, you can almost experience what life was like in the 50s, except without all the segregated drinking fountains and people dying of lockjaw and stuff. You should go, and tell Senora behind the counterina El Geoffy de vaca del soma says Ji . It warmed my heart to see good people getting by doing hard work, but I am no fool. The crush of the burger joints, the lack of civilization (fire up google earth and look around Yeehaw Junction sometime), and the fact that only one other dude and I were the patrons there during lunch leads me to believe that this place is probably hurting a bit, successwise. Sure, they are an official historic battlefield site, but so is J s chair. Anyway, I am not sure what I am saying, other than the fact that everything changes, and that is good, sometimes, but more often, it is not. We also spent some time discussing Rita s, which really is damned good. Thanks again to Chrispy for the heads up. Every time I feel the silent sharp stab of an icepick being forced into my brain, I think of you now! Mickey also had some great service, as he became an 18th century fancy lad and went traipsing about to locate purveyors and proprietors worthy to fix him a cupper tea and repair his fancy watchy watch watch, wot, wot. We decided we will create a section of the site dedicated to businesses that give good service and actually WANT customers. Try and have that up by the next show, and first off we ll have The Olde Cup and Saucer and Mickey s Supposed Watch Shoppe! (aka Professional Jewelry Services 2484 W. Hwy 434 Suite 108 Longwood, FL 32779 407-788-7121 Ask for Armando tell him SomaCow sent you.) Also - don t forget to check out Cookin with Coolio , if you want to kill some time. It ain t Ken Burns, but it ain t bad. J s Penis has a ring. Figure that one out. 4:30 - I don t like Indians. But what we do like are our bands: Stephen Lynch - Little Tiny Moustache Stephen Lynch - Vanilla Ice Cream Straight Outta Junior High - Boner

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by SomaCow! It s our anniversary, and we re glad to celebrate it with you, dear listeners. Thank you to all of you that take the time to comment the blog, write Itunes reviews, vote for us on Podcast Alley, send us mail, donate to the show, subscribe to our feeds, and join us in the Ustream channel each week. It means the world to us, and we only do what we do for the sick ego feeding your attention does provide us. Thanks for that, truthfully! In this, our finest hour, we gave away the free iTouch to a lucky listener, discussed Fair Rides, and Yet Another Way We Will All Surely Die. At last, it was time to give up the goods, and by goods, I mean the SomaCow 8GB iTouch Media Player, which we have been trying to give to a lucky listener for weeks now. The test we set up was grueling, and we thank everyone who participated. Your email addresses are being lovingly expedited to our Chinese Masters, who will surely send you plenty of offers for mortgage enlargements and Nigerian brides. Enjoy, and give all our love to Nboonswa! We launched into a topic of the Fair, which was in town this week here in Orlando. I personally am glad to have NOT attended, as I am a notorious (sucker) gamesman, and frequently (rarely) win the many games of chance made available on the Midway. We talked about one of my favorite small town rides, namely, the Gravitron. What an incredible comic-book like invention, allowing you to feel a momentary burst of super human strength as you cut a swath through terrified attendees, slamming hot dog carts aside and nerf-tossing popcorn machines. Am I confused, or have you ever felt this burst of sudden strength after riding this ride? We asked the question, no, not that question, Where have all the flowers stink gone? It seems that, in addition to the crazy exodus of bees wi-fi has allegedly been causing, now the very flowers are turning listless, their scent a fraction of what it once was. Mickey is presumably all for it, as he sees no purpose in stopping to smell the roses when there is plenty work to be done. Check out his Life Coaching at the :40, spanning the topic of Sticking to Your Guns. Peanut Buttery! We have a new producer, Ross, and he gives some great notes, specifically pulling quotes right out as they are said. I think, as a new value added addition to the value our show provides, I am going to pop in some of the better quotes at the end of these blogs. :50 - I m the crazy old guy at the crossroads, shouting, There s Death that way! " Jam to the world coming down to the following dope beats: They Might Be Giants - Ana Ng Against Me! - Sink Florida Sink

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Uncle Jones Nothin Mo Betta BBQ. The entire staff of SomaCow (except Ross, who had a date with a cube steak and his bare hands) invaded this friendly little soul food kitchen and broke bread, then seat, then stomach together in honor of J. There are no bones about it; we spend quite a bit of time discussing J in this hour, and then later we touch on J, followed by quite a lengthy dissertation by Mickey on the subject of J. J likes riddles, and so, I will simply convert this episode s blog to a series of three riddles. See if you are smart enough to come up with the answers. Try not to cheat, you silly little Googlizers! 1) - There are at least ten body parts that are spelled in three letters. Can you name them all? 2) - With pointed fangs it sits in wait, With piercing force it doles out fate, Over bloodless victims proclaiming its might, Eternally joining in a single bite. What am I? 3) - I m a riddle in nine syllables, An elephant, a ponderous house, A melon strolling on two tendrils O red fruit, Ivory, fine timber! The loaf s big with its yeasty rising Money s new minted in this fat purse. I m a means, a stage, a cow in calf. I ve eaten a bag of green apples Boarded the train there s no getting off. So, yeah. Have fun with that! We talked about J, sure, and then did a decent discussion on Mr. John McCain, who seems to need a rage doll. The man just gets into fits, and we are not so sure that is a bad thing. Better to be angry, but smart, than a complete boob. I am still pulling for Mr. Obama, as he is certainly capable of bringing eloquence back into vogue. Just look at that sentence! It REEKS of vocabulary! Hillary? Bitch, please. I hate to relegate such a powerful woman null, but the reality is that her very actions have done that FOR her for the last twenty years. Forget all the republican spewed vitriol about not pleasing her man and knowing her place . I like a strong woman. I just feel that she is duplicitous and does not have the best interest of this nation in her to do list. The woman is avarice personified, and lacks genuine empathy. Or at least, that is what I know for a complete fact, having never met the woman, nor spent any real time in her company. See, that is what I hate about the internet. Four billion yahoos yammering off their fool heads about subjects that they have no idea about. It s sort of beautiful, isn t it? Okay, Heard - We haven t really boiled it down, but - who do you want as President, and why? What is important to you now? The War? The Economy? The Food Prices? Black Preacher Etiquette? Sound off, and get into the discussion. I want to actually participate in this year s election, instead of voting the way my wife s dad tells me to. Let s hear what you think, and maybe elect the better candidate. Time Magazine turns 85, and I am lining up to be the first to pull the m f'ing plug. DNR, all the way. What a travesty, that these people are paid any money to develop news content. I have spent time in waiting rooms, flipping through that particular week s articles, and actually come away from Time Magazine DUMBER than I was about the subject when I sat down. Misinformation, second hand sourcing, and late-late-late breaking news. Time Magazine is news at the speed of fail. In fact, we d be alright with it if someone were to take Time, modern Pundits, and whoever beta tested Vista, and put them in a small room with no windows for a very long time. Oh, and Ross was booted off the mic for the very first time! Tune in to hear why, as it will probably be an answer in whatever elaborate and unnecessarily complex trivia contest we next host. You know who DOESN T have suckers on their appendages? These fantastic bands!: All Time Low - This Is How We Do Toy Gun Cowboy - 99.9%

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Copper Rocket. From Psychobilly to Comedy, this club has it all, plus a decent beer selection. In this hour we discussed J and I s visit to Open Mic Night, Comedy and Hecklers, and Book to Movie translations. We headed out last Thursday to Copper Rocket, located next to the tracks that separate Eatonville from Maitland north of Orlando. It s a good bar, the kind of place where the bartender has a Hunter S. Thompson shirt on and the seats are all knifed up by revelers past. We snuck into a decent seat right near the stage, and my pregnant wife Jen and I began the arduous task of pushing the table back and forth between our bellies. I was at a loss as to who should win, because, on one side, the table crushing her belly might mean the permanent disfigurement of our child, whereas if it were crushing my belly, I might be discomfited for a while. Thankfully, J arrived and we both opted to shove the table into his rapidly shrinking belly. So, the comedy started up, and it was good. The emcee was a mic shouter, but in a club full of assholes that turn their back on the stage, that s sort of to be expected. In all we saw about 10 comics, 5-6 of which were chicks. Some were fantastic, like Uncle Ray, Alicia, and Katie, and some were well They were working out the kinks of their act, let s just say that. I found the room to be oppressive for comedy, and I think that went a long way towards showing the skill of some of these people. To generate laughs when you have a dull crowd, a weird lighting system, and one f^%$ed up redneck heckler can t be easy. And that heckler guy exercised every Floridian Redneck Retard Trait you can imagine. What? You ve never heard of an FRRT? It s how you spot the natives, people! Allow me to clue you in, so that you can keep an eye out for this truly rare and special breed. He frequents bars, clubs, Denny s, and truck shows. 1. Hair - disheveled, lengthy, sweat soaked and yet buoyant. This guy may be balding, but he doesn t let it faze him. Look for what appears to be a mid-eighties South Eastern Championship Wrestling style haircut, kinda like Sammy Hagar, but with no hint of product. 2. Skin - Slightly resembling Trashcan Man from The Stand by Stephen King. All visible areas will be lobster red, with deep seated melanoma from spending day after day toiling in the brush. This guy works hard, and it shows. Sure, we ve had silly things like sunscreen, hats, and shirts for a few decades or so, but he is hesitant to change, cause chicks dig a nice dark 3rd degree tan. 3. Clothes - If you have ever been to a gas station on the wrong side of town, and seen an enormous box with what appear to be dirty shop rags spilling out of a funneled slot near the top, you have seen the FRRT boutique. Usually there is a strength in teals and yellows, but the occasional shirt sans sleeves is always appropriate, even on a 50 degree night. The gooseflesh really helps the blisters stand out, you know? 4. Shoes - Flip Flops or sandals. The bluer and rattier the better. The goal of all FRRT s is to showoff their busted ass feet, which have had countless drills, bricks, car tires, and bottles smashed across them. Typically, an FRRT will grow hobbit fur on their toes to cushion the blow of these many accidents, and this fur they will groom fastidiously if given a second stool to hoist them up upon. 5. Accessories - Ah, here is where the FRRT shines! From the puka shell necklaces they got on Spring Break 32 years ago in Daytona before dropping out for one semester , to the sweat stained cigarette or blunt behind their ear, this guy knows how to bring an ensemble together. Look for sunglasses, even though it is 10:30 at night in the bar equivalent of the goddamned Bat Cave, a Firebird or Camaro keychain, and bus transfer tickets. I would say that the frothiest, most spillingest, stankest foamy beer you can imagine is also an accessory, but no FRRT has even been seen without one, and if he spills one, you can be damn sure he was two-fisting. 6. Eyes. Always vacant, they stare in a way that perfectly indicates how many miles of edging and blowing this one man has done in his life. Also, yellow. Very, very yellow. Jaundice, or gonorrhea? Something. Do not maintain eye contact with an FRRT exhibiting individual, for any reason. If you are a male, it will indicate your desire to fight, or discuss The Mexicans . If you are a woman, it will indicate your desire to copulate with him, and your need to also discuss The Mexicans . Hope that helps! Anyway, the gals and guys did a good job in the face of such adversity, and we d definitely go back, and I think J wants to do a set, which would be a hoot that I will be sure to videotape for you all. Have you ever done an open mic night? How did it go? We wrapped up with some discussion of Where the Red Fern Grows, which J and Mickey never read. I am beginning to think that the book topic may not be such a hot item, seeing as I work with two guys that spend more of their time staring at porn than they do anything else. Maybe I should do Porn Reviews, instead. At any rate, J hated Frankenstein for the dumbest reason I have ever heard. I actually bought him a puka shell necklace. See you guys here next week, or, come join us in the Ustream for our show, Sunday at 2pm, Eastern. We ll be giving away the iTouch live, so if you entered, good luck, and if you didn t, well damn. We yukked it up to the following great musics in this hour: Straight Outta Junior High - Happy Fun Song Snog - The Happy Song And check out some of Katie Hughes work: Myspace Video from Bonkerz

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Yes s Truck Stops, and Ungrateful Chinese Childrens (is they learning?) We watched United, Southwest, and American Airlines run around like massive chickens sans massive heads last week, grounding planes, destroying schedules and delaying air travelers worldwide, all the while pointing their monkey pointer finger at the FAA, for suddenly waking up and asking, Are all the bolts on that plane on? Without exaggeration, the entire airline industry in this country has really dropped the ball. In an effort to make flights cheap, they have made flights miserable, cramped, hot, smelly, boring, stiff, starvation fests that scare the living shit out of every person who undertakes to travel. From peanuts to pilots, we discuss where air travel went wrong. What is the worst experience you had on a flight? Tell us about it. We do offer the airline industry some tips, including Mickey s idea for a traveling show (he really is a gypsy) and my well idea. Think hamster ball. At 40,000 feet. We also discussed truck stops, which I had the pleasure of frequenting last week on my road trip. I am sad to report that the truck stop of yesteryear is dying fast, as our once proud Stuckey s are steadily replaced by row after row of Flying J(ihad) Travel Plazas. The coffee smells like burnt hair, the staff has been replaced by sullen Pakistani men, and the jerky is being swapped out for incense. How much friggen existential meditation are these truckers doing? I get all republicany as I pine for a time I remember when the stores were bright and clean, the coffee was piping hot and fresh, and the staff did not mutter, Death to America after every transaction. We round out the hour discussing China and the new wave of spoiled rotten children. They are in their twenties, they stay out all night bathing and doing coke and circus peanuts, and they do NOT call home, ever. Chinese couples are actually hiring twenty somethings to come by, simply to fulfill the role their children will no longer take. I wonder how much money one could make being a guilt-sink, or a back-sasser. hell, you could retire in that country simply by being a thing-off-shelf-getter-downer Don t forget to check out Mickey s Life Coaching segment at the :40, where he details the importance of budgeting! I am more of a shotgunner in my money dealing. Probably explains why everything is feast or famine around my house. Well, let s be honest I never famine . We apologize for the delay in starting the show. While you are waiting please enjoy our skymall magazine and these delicious musics: Cobra Starship - Bring It (Snakes on a Plane) The Dollyrots - Brand New Key Powerman 5000 - Return to the City of the Dead

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by soap. With all the filth and flarn we were tossing around as topics, it s probably for the best that we wash something. Anything. In this hour, we discussed Quentin Tarantino s sexual hang-ups, rogue monkeys, good and bad advertising, the scarcity of Hot Indians, and J provided us with a rundown of some of the net s more obscure fetishes. I was excited last week when I received a call from Say Anything Debe and Mickey, who invited my wife and I over to watch The Grindhouse movies. I had missed these movies in the theaters and was amped to finally check them out, and on Mickey s super wide screen high definition telly, no less. We had settled in with some food and drinks, and the screen filled with purpose and sound. After the standard FBI Warning and some menu screen action, the lights went down, and BLAM! There it was: Quentin s obsession. If you watch Deathproof, you will see it again over 47 times, easily in every single scene of the movie. We talk about Quentin and his sick, weird thing for a good bit. How many other Tarantino film scenes can you cite that deal with it? There was a monkey loose on the streets of Orlando. They caught the monkey. I am telling you this because you look concerned. I just want to make sure you don t freak out when you hear the episode, and start barring your doors against some kind of Simian Siege. Being in radio, we frequently imagine what it would be like to have advertisers. As a passive listener, what advertisements seem to have the most hold on you? Have you ever not visited a business because you found their ads distasteful, or irritating? We all give some examples of what we feel works and does not work in advertising, but the reality is that if you remember it, it sorta did its job, and Madison Avenue won. I ve recently starting liking that Indian actor that plays on House, who went to White Castle? You know who I am talking about. Yeah, that guy. But in all my experience with Indian filmography (2 films), I have yet to see any really hot men OR women come from that country. We kick around a few possibles, but the question stands: Where are the hot Indian people? Do I just not know where to look? Will I really regret asking you to give me some examples? All that Indabutt talk must have made J feel a bit frisky towards the end of the hour, because he regaled us with a litany of fetishes that people suffer from/enjoy that are gaining popularity. Smoking, Pedal Pushers, Looners, Spill, Flex, Olean, Soft Serve It sounds like a list of bad bands, and it makes me pine for the simpler days when the worst thing you might get out of your pornography is a predilection for women wearing garters. To each their own, but in the interest of science, and without resorting to the obvious scatological yack, what are the stranger fetishes you have encountered? Don t forget to check out my review of Fast Food Nation, which I really enjoyed. The movie was just a chapter or two of what is covered in this book, so feel free to pick it up (completely free link to the whole book courtesy of Google and the author), and grab me a baconator on your way back? Thanks, brother. I have no shame in telling you the name of the bands we stepped on in this hour: Big D & the Kids Table - Steady Pilot Punchline - Flashlight

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by newegg.com - If you need something computery, it s a damned good place to get it. In this hour, I bitch, moan, cajole, whine, wheedle, piss, complain, consternate, grouch, grump, bellyache, bitch, and generally have beef with the guys at Cheap/Smart Guys Computers. It s a whole deal. Mickey stands with me against the guy. J, who hates good service, does not. Whether you are a person who has been downtrodden, or just a person that likes listening to a fat guy work himself into a lather, it s probably pretty good radio. Enjoy! Oh! In resolution of the laptop - Turns out the other party that repairs the comps is 1 mile from the store we bought the laptop at. THREE WEEKS OF SHIPPING? I am writing this blog on the recently repaired laptop. Unbelievable. It took less than 24 hours to fix it. Someone should probably tell the guys at Cheap/Smart Guys that their repair service is 1 mile away. They must be spending a fortune in shipping. Or lying to their customers on a far wider scale than I imagined. As promised, here is the link to the site that helps you find your way to a living person. GET THE HUMANS! I miss Liquid Television Anyway - We wrap up with some of the businesses we LIKE. If you know of a local (even local to just you) business that is giving great service, or just provides an outstanding value, please let us know, or comment the blog. Far too many companies out there treating their customers like crap. You know who ALSO provides a great service? THESE BANDS: The Orion Experience - Queen of White Lies Ann Beretta - Bottle Caps Brother Love - Push

SomaCow Media, Inc. in proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Text-Link Ads If you have a blog worth a damn, you should be using them. Ah, Florida - In this hour, we discuss what is wrong with our home state skillet, and why the rest of you people no longer want to grace her shelly beaches with your overwhite fat flesh. It looks like the streams of New Family arrivals into our fair state have dwindled to lows not seen since the great Sadness of 77 (see also, Dumb Gov., Gas Shortages, and Stupid Hair). Whereas we had once been content to sit back and wait for the multitudes to settle down in our suburbs, lapping up the over-chlorinated groundwater, settling into their stucco empires and demanding the immediate erection of god knows how many Wal-Marts, Walgreens, and Walled Communities, it is now apparent that we can no longer count on John and Jane Q. Pennsylvania to swell our ranks. So, what is a suddenly single stategal like Florida to do to make ends meet? We used to simply pay tribute to The Mouse, as The Mouse would attract dollars to its various theme parks and overpriced resorts, allowing us the occasional mealy morsel in the form of a Bed Tax. With a tanking economy, the idea of waiting for millions of vacationers to show up with a fistful of financial stability doesn t seem to be in the cards. Some people scream, Let s get some GAMBLIN already! - I ask those people to look at New Jersey, or those god-awful southern states along The Hurricane Brim. Poor bastards live hand to mouth, and most people with sense can see that gambling makes Casinos and Land Developers rich, not citizens. Plus, they attract crime, and as we are rapidly advancing on the Murder Capital of the Country prize here in Orlando, I doubt we can afford to plug in a giant neon bandit brigade right now. And so, we at SomaCow have a simple solution - Boobs. I know, we ALWAYS say boobs, but, seriously, boobs. Open the finest strip clubs in the country. Kick out the sleaze, the ne erdowells, the coke dealers and the just plain creepies. Build strip clubs on every corner, and stock them with clean kids with business degrees and fresh immigrant poon. STATE OPERATED STRIP CLUBS is what I am driving at. Every girl that does enough sit-ups to be able to hold her own weight up sideways on a brass pole gets a tax break. We have the sun for tanning, it s certainly hot enough to make most girls want to get undressed, all we need is the legislation to allow a friendly neighborhood boobecue on every corner. Get rid of the stupid purple buildings, and the creepy smoked glass, and the lame ass gold chained fur chested fauxmafia types, and make a strip club into the kind of place a man would proudly bring his kids to live beside. I gotta get some more facts here, so consider this one in the works. Mickey announced his intention to open the first prototype! We re still recovering as a city from Nipple-Shock. It seems that the WWE had to modify their promotional materials here in Orlando so that MALE wrestlers nips were not showing. When I first heard about it from Xander on The Lunar Room, I realized that I do not currently have a large enough font to display my wtf-acity. Speaking of wtf-acity I mean, why would anyone want this taken down? It s the truth, right? Or is it? Should you raise your children with religion? religions? If you do will they turn out like J and sue the church? Mickey actually quotes Bill Clinton in his Life Coaching this week at the :40 so check it out! J doesn t get aroused in strip clubs. I am just saying. We re never taking down the following great bands: Richard Cheese - Girls, Girls, Girls The Vandals - Fucked Up Girl They Might Be Giants - The Mesopotamians

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Ustream.tv - We love the folks over at Ustream, and if you are thinking of doing something creative and social on the internet, swing by and sign up for an account. It s free, it s simple, and the staff and service are simply incredible. I felt good this week, partly because the weather has been gorgeous, and mostly because I got a haircut. First paid for haircut in 3 or 4 years, second in 10 years. A man CAN cut his own hair, but he really shouldn t (ask Mickey). Just hope you do not hear what I did, cause it destroys a small part of your manhood. In this hour of SomaCow, we discussed the impending economic crisis. Take a moment to check out this guy s blog (Audio music will play when this blog loads) for some backstory, as we pretty much ran with his list. Fact-checking, it s what we are about. And yes, I am retarded, because in the episode I said, Everything tastes better with a 9 mm bullet , and the last word should be chaser. Blame it on my mom, cause she drank when she was pregnant. And J makes his trium(ele)phant return to the show . and he is SKINNIER??? It s a fact! J is down 30+ lbs, and well on his way to living to see episode 200! We re all very proud of him, and welcome you to congratulate his success! Check out his News Bomb at the :40, and jam out to the following awesome bands played in this hour: Weedy Factory - Did It for the Money The Downshifters - Money Notorious MSG -Straight Out Of Canton (Iron Wok Remix)

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this, our finest hour by Mickey s Life Coaching and Old People Computer Use Help Desk. The ladies of Say Anything sit in with us for a final hour, which, again, is far prettier eye candy than what we are used to. We start out with something that aggravates us to no end, the end user that can t use their computer to a meaningful end. That being said, I think I picked up a few thousand applications from my last bout of browsing . The only thing that is protecting me at this point is Vista s hostility towards the operation of ANY program, much less scumware and spyware. Mickey brings up a valid point that NO candidate can hide from the public lens, and will forever be hiding from their past. How prescient (that means future done seen , Apopka) of him, considering Hillary Clinton s current efforts to align her memory with actual footage. I am still praying for a last minute third party swoop-in, saving us from four years of THOSE people. We have no time for politicking on SomaCow, it seems, and quickly get off topic into tongue piercing and oral. It s the effect of the girls in the studio, I believe. As an aside - Hiter was Swedish. Shocking, isn t it? Why is America so willing to take back Obama? I mean, I like the guy. I had NO problem with him and his racist friends, but I do not understand that whole battered wife/Stockholm just say you are sorry and all will be fine again mentality people seem to be approaching this with. Nothing is fine, and glossing this race issue over is just a guarantee that it will revisit with a vengeance in October. Oh well The Democrats know how to lose an election, and it shows! Again, why are we talking about Politics during a visit from the ladies? I think it had a lot to do with THIS (read at your own leisure and peril) After reading that article, I was in a tizzy. Our society: bankrupt. Our way of life: defeated. A giant fat wet fart and The American Way is On the Way Out. We have to take steps to avoid this calamity, in addition to all the other calamities we are currently facing (Disease, The Housing Market, and Starbucks Coffee). I had high hopes for Starbucks, as I thought they had clearly identified their problem (bitter, bad coffee, dumb staff, unethical managers, and too many layabouts holding up The Line). So, today, I swung by a Starbucks adorning my local mall and went to get a Venti Caffe Americanoeoee. It was god-awful. Bitter and repugnant, I see no change in their corporate behavior evidenced, as Morris , the 17 year old cheese-face that poured my Joe, stared at me, thenm stared at the machine, then stared at me, then stared at the sink, then WALKED TO THE SINK AND POURED MORE TAP WATER INTO MY COFFEE. Mmm Nothing makes coffee taste better than the microbial soup of a dirty sink tap. Let me be clear, I have no problem drinking from A tap. I drink from mine at the house, public drinking fountains Hell, I have sucked off a garden hose just to feel that cold, slightly dry iron-y mouth feeling. But this sink was a cesspool of spilled beverages, uncleaned canisters, and filthy steam rags. Screw you, Morris. I sentence you to another year of working in a Mall Starbucks under the not-so-watchful eye of Bernice. Speaking of Starbucks, THIS JUST IN, one thing you can get that s good at Starbucks? your barista s kidney! We continued our topic sprint in an effort to get the girls to chime in, and they finally came to as we did a bit of girl vs. guy trivia. Feel free to play along: Thanks to Paul Redman for the idea. Next week, Dialing for Dollars, or something. Mickey hates trivia, which sucks, cause he is good at it. at the :40, for my Weekly Constitutional, I reviewed The Bible. It was a complete pantload, mostly about this guy with daddy issues But - it gave me a GREAT idea for a story. More details later! For now, simply bask in the glow of the following great bands: The Dollyrots - Nobody Wants You Notorious MSG - Warlord

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Kevin s stupid hat. It really is the dumbest looking hat a man can wear. If you personally own such a hat, throw it in a trash can with all speed. Seriously. So, SomaCow invaded Disney s Wide World of Schportzen to watch the Atlanta Braves take on the Cleveland Indians. It was an absolutely gorgeous day, and Disney has a great ballfield out there in Kissimmee. I highly recommend it, but you will need to take certain steps to ensure you enjoy the day. 1. Bring water, so that you have something to drink on your way to the concession stand to buy beer. Remember that after a few beers, you will develop sun-skunk mouth, so make sure you bring a few extra bucks for a cool-refreshing soda. The soda will probably be too sweet, so you will want to get a pretzel to cut the sweetness, at which point, you will realize that you are pretty hungry, so you might as well get a hot dog. OooH! OR a burger! and nothing goes with a burger like fries, or better still, cheese fries! Those are pretty good, and you might as well grab some popcorn while you are waiting for all that food to cook, so go ahead, at least, unless you would rather have a lemon-icee Woof That was pretty sour, better nip up on some of that cotton candy to reset your tongue, although cotton candy is kinda dry, so, yeah, make sure you bring some water. It is important to stay hydrated. 2. Get the Program if you have kids. It s a good memento for them, and it will remind you of who the hell is playing. If you do not have kids, save your money for water . 3. Get a seat on the lawn. The lawn is where it is at. If you are in a seat, you can not see what is going on. Below is a picture of what I saw from a seat: Whereas this is what I saw from the lawn: Yeah. 4. Even in springtime, it can get downright scorching outside. Plan in advance, as the ladies above did, by wearing very little and keeping a cool breeze on your skin. Unless you are a guy. If you are a guy, use beer in copious quantities, and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you ever remove your shirt. No one wants to see that, and people paid money to be here, for God s sake. (Pic Deleted Out of Taste and Dignity) 5. If you must remove your shirt, do not allow your reasonably hot girlfriend to apply sunscreen for you. The application of sunscreen is a one-way understanding. Male applies to Self, Male applies to Female, Ideally, Females apply to Female, and then tickle Female a lot. NO self-respecting guy should ever get himself into a situation where he is having gay love messages quasi-permanently emblazoned into his skin. 6. Be shade for someone. It s the right thing to do. We were joined again by the lovely ladies of Say Anything, which is always nice. Thanks to everyone that has let us know how great they sounded. We will be sure to have J grow some boobs. We talked up the proper care of hotdogs, and the idea that all relationships are doomed. They are, you know. Consider every relationship a game of Tetris. You work hard, trying to fit all their stupid shit into your brain, constantly praying that they will drop you some nookie, in the form of a four-in-a-row piece. On and on you plod, shoving their insecurities here, their inconsistencies there, and all of the sudden, you have holes all over the place, and the stupid b t given you head in four months, and her dumb friends are coming over again for the third time this week, and they re all fat, and loud, and short, and they smell like cinnamon farts, and her cat shat all over your shoes again, which is fine, cause they are the stupid shoes she picked out for you to wear in the first place, and kinda made you look gay, but now you have nothing to wear when she drags you off to some retarded renaissance fair, where you will AGAIN get to hang out with her fat friends, except with stupid fancypants and bad food and mosquitoes and fat nerds from Omaha wearing poorly cut felt hats. Anyway F%$k the Russians, F@ t know why, it just happened.

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Jesus. For all your savior needs, drink Jesus Christ! Fah who for-aze, Dan yelsza hor aye! In this J-free hour of SomaCow, Mickey and I entertain ourselves discussing Easter, and religion, and the creepiness of my neighbors, who constantly stare at my pale, quivering nakedness. I, as a man, a man s man, a guy, a dude, contend that if I own 6 feet of privacy fencing that forms a perimeter around my property, I should be allowed to take my morning coffee and smoke with all my jumblies left out for the world to see. Somehow, the old couple that live catty-corner (I hate that term) to me seem to pick those EXACT naked moments to stand at their sliding glass door and stare at my junk. It s creepy, and no matter how much I try to wiggle it at them, they simply will not go away and leave me in peace. Am I in the wrong? Where ELSE can a man be naked but in his own yard? More so, I only have a few precious weeks left of naked time in general, before the arrival of my daughter. I need every minute of sun-soaked johnson time I can get! Anyway, we spent some time on the Holiday, which I hope you all enjoyed, and we invited the girls of Say Anything in for a few shows. We thank them for helping us make radio history, as we devoted an entire segment to eating Cadbury Creme Eggs, a true Easter tradition as far as I am concerned. Have you people tried the new varieties? The Reese s product is obviously superior, but I will entertain other submissions, should you feel the need. We have some new stickers in, and will most probably be getting coozie and faubs soon as well. If you would like any of that stuff, just send a SASE to: SomaCow Media, Inc. PO Box 162224 Altamonte Springs, FL 32716-2224 And throw in a buck or two to defray costs if you want a coozie. Coozy? How the hell DO you spell that? We brought up an interesting point: the relationship between business persons and religion, and how it is easier for some folks to search within their own pew for like-minds to engage for their financial dealings. It s creepy to me to consider a guy picking a plumber based on that guys willingness to believe certain aspects of a dogma, but to each their own. I just think it s tacky to put an actual Jesus Fish/scripture ON YOUR LOGO. Weirdos. Whatever the business owner thinks is coming across, all I am hearing is, I am using God to make a buck . Sinner. And we talked about the girls, and how proud our network is of the longest running show we ve ever worked with. You guys really need to try out Say Anything. Chicks talking about Life, Love, and Sex. It s a lot of what s right in podcasting, and we love what they do. And not just cause they would hit us if we said otherwise. I am serious. After Debe left the studio, I found a straw wrapper formed into a noose. That girl is scary. Not scary? The following great bands that we featured in this hour! Hot One - Get Your Priest On No More Kings - God Breathed Flogging Molly - Us of Lesser Gods

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by Specialty Pizza Express. It s damned fine pie. Seriously. I recommend the Super Cheese, cause it doesn t plate off the cheese into a gooey death mess on your neck on the first bite. Just mouthful after mouthful of steamy hot wet moo. I guess there is a reason I do not write ad copy for a living So, this is the final episode of audio weirdness. You may have noticed the last three episodes suffered a certain tinny warblyness, and I am happy to report that that issue is resolved, and we here at SomaCow Media, Inc. are ready to screw up in all new ways! In this hour, we discussed my toe, which is looking better now, thank you for asking. I still have no nail, and I am terrified of its tendency to turn ghostly white, but the pain is gone and the swelling is reduced. It s a lot like lovemaking that way. If you ever need a podiatrist, I highly recommend Dr. Pearl. His bedside manner is second only to his hot nurse assistance. Just make sure you exfoliate your heels before you go, as no one wants to hit on a cute girl when she is holding a scabrous hoof. For us, it begged the question, why would ANYBODY be a podiatrist, or a proctologist, or an otolaryngologist? I mean, you sat through god knows how many science and math courses, you staved off sleep through internships galore, and now, you stand, your shingle in hand, ready to get hippocritical on some mo fo s, and you choose leaky swollen nasty bits? Weird. Sound off if you know why, Heard. The Pope has been quite active lately, making assorted commentary on the Iraq war, the middle east in general, and how Muslims should act. I can only attribute it to the fact that his man-boylust is peaking, and I hope somebody can get him some kidtouchbane or wormwood or whatever normally makes him go back to his dark lair. I would like to take a moment to address our younger listeners, specifically, our Catholic younger listeners. We at SomaCow know that the Pope is deadly serious in his desire to ram some youth butt, and so we offer these handy tips to stave off potential papal/priestly buggery: 1. Smoke heavily. Nothing turns off a horny holy man faster than proffering the wafer of Christ only to see a furry green and yellow tongue staring back at him. At the very least, eat lots of sour apple candy, and try to get braces. Make your mouth into a threatening sewer of steel and sticky rotten putrid bits of nasty, and Father O Faggy may just read scripture instead of undressing you with his rheumy eyes. 2. Bean up, boy! Every Saturday night, carb load like a dervish, and ask for seconds. The more gas you expel, the more you will stink, especially in your rectory , as it were, so load up on Kidney Beans, Lentils, Mushrooms, Pinto Beans, Cheese, Refried Beans, Pad Thai (extra hot!), Broccoli and whatever else is good for your heart. The more you eat em, the less you have to worry about some creepy old guy slipping his hand up your frock. 3. Worship Satan! Yes, its a well known fact that the Devil wants to eat your soul, and destroy all that is good in the world, but he is also a hermaphrodite, and thus suffers from what your Dad calls ED . Just make sure you get back on the good foot after you grow facial hair (Think Goatee-Gotta Go!) and you will be right as rain. Priests don t want to fuck adults, if they did, they would have gotten a real job, and a car, and maybe a really sweet jacket. Only perverts spend that much time on their knees. Hopefully those will help you out in your efforts to get thee from behind me , kids. Now quit listening to our show and go outside. Your parents would kill us if they knew you were here. Well, probably not. I mean, they take you to church, so they obviously hate you. Yeah Anyway, we played some great music in this episode, featuring these angelic bands: Frenzel Rhomb - I Went Out With a Hippy highly unfashionable western spiral arm of Nowheresville. Momma Earth is a good egg, but we will need to hatch one day soon, and the more we understand about off-terrestrial living, the more equipped we will be to handle the sudden poach. See you on Sunday in the Ustream! Happy Easter!

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by They Might Be Giants. A phenomenal band doing remarkable things utilizing a modicum of skill playing various instruments. In this hour we discussed Producer Jen and I s two concerts in one day. As she gets frothy talking about TMBG, I will allow her to explain further: Hi! Jen here. I m still giddy about that day I started listening to TMBG back in the late 80s and was an instant fan. The first song I heard was Cowtown, and I just thought it was so different and quirky. About a year later, I went to my first TMBG concert and what an amazing show (Thanks Janus Landing in St Pete!). I have almost always known every song by heart at every show. Over the last 20 years, I have seen them every time they have come to the state. Geoff and I started talking on MucheDumbre because I had Blue Canary in the Outlet by the Lightswitch Who watches over you? Make a Little Birdhouse In Your Soul as my signature. We married 5 years later, and were introduced at the reception as a couple for the first time to Birdhouse. So this band has a deep meaning to me. We found out the day before the shows, that Geoff won tickets to see a small intimate showing at a local radio station. We got there early, per usual for us, and sat downstairs as instructed. One by one we identified them the other winners. There is something about a TMBG fan. While we all might look different, you can just tell a TMBG fan from others. I had my camera there, just in case we could take pics (it ends up we couldn t) and then my sensors went off. OK, that just sounds dorky, I really just looked to my left and saw John and John getting out of a van. They were walking them through the front door with the fans just sitting there? I mean we re not a crazy bunch, but I have seen J t matter though, as Geoff s winning was special so we were in the front row anyway! They played 4 songs, Mesopotamians off of their new album, Dr Worm , Istanbul (not Constantinople) , and then New York City , so all great songs. They were a little off, though. We had been warned that one of the Johns was sick (to be revealed later-hold tight!), and Linnell stated he had just woken up. If only I could have snuck a shot of his bed hair! Ooh, I got it! So the sounds were a little off and they stumbled on some words here and there. Not their best show, but still cool as shit. I think the best part was during a commercial break when they broke out into the themes from Barney Miller and The Rockford Files. So after this 1 hour show, they start packing up and said they had to go to get ready for the HOB show that night so they couldn t stick around. Some douche kept begging Linnell for an autograph pointing out he had Flansburgh s but not his. Linnell said, how about if I shake your hand. That s more personal than an autograph, right? and the guy said no! So I took this opportunity to quietly move my sympathetically pregnant belly up to the Johns and quickly ask, We do a podcast/internet radio show and would love it if we can play your music on SomaCow and I got a quick sure! . I was about to pass out I was so excited. They also do a podcast you can download on iTunes (or your iTouch you can win here!) for free. So fastforward a few hours and Geoff and I are on our way through beautiful Thursday afternoon I-4 traffic to get to Downtown Disney and the House of Blues. HOB is probably one of my favorite venues we have in Central Florida We get there to find out that to get in the front line you have to eat at HOB or buy something in the store. Well, the store had crap in it. We were all prepared to buy stuff at the concert, but not from HOB. So we were 2nd in line in the regular people line. My only issue was I had to find a table. Between my being all knocked up and Geoff s toe (see the next SomaCow Episode), it was just necessary. We had a plan. Sis and her friend go to the bar with drink orders, Geoff goes to the table with the stuff to scope it out and I find the table. I run (yes, literally run) to my table only to find it is taken. I look and see one. I pass someone whoosh! and scoop up the table. Geoff sees me, smiles, and grabs two extra barstools on the way over. Victory! Now at this show, they did their thing. John Flansburgh came out and announced to us all that he had the flu (so it was him!), and that he had taken every OTC flu medicine known to man and was ready to put on the best show of his life thanks to all of these pharmaceuticals! He didn t disappoint. He was funny all running around the stage. You could tell he felt no pain but would the next day! Every single song was AWESOME. They have the best concerts. They will play about 80/20 if not 90/10 of old to new songs. They know their audience and why they are there. Have you had that experience? Or the opposite? TMBG knows that they have a babillion hits (to their fans), and they always throw a new one or two in there you haven t heard in a while. They get their new stuff out there, too, but focus on the old. They make their fans happy. And happy we were! Oh man and Dan Miller on acoustic guitar doing his 10 minute intro to Istanbul. Just amazing and the SomaCalf went nuts! She was flopping left and right, she loves that guitar! We were both prepared to leave early if need be, due to physical pain, as we ve seen their show, but there was nothing that would take us out once it started except when the lights came up. Brilliant show, and since this will probably be our last concert for the foreseeable future, it was the perfect one. Mickey shares his wisdom on following the styles of Information Society and speaking your mind. Oh, and this is also the I Love You episode (if you don t know, they ll explain it) so Geoff gives us all 5 great tips to keep love alive and we definitely do! And we also played this great music: They Might Be Giants - Cowtown Enter the Haggis - To the Quick Straight Outta Junior High - Love Song

SomaCow Media, Inc. is ashamed to be associated with this episode of SomaCow, brought to you this week in spite of good taste and sensibility. Geoff is incredibly offensive and rude to people in this hour, and I only hope Mickey, J, and our listener can forgive him for such offensive material. Mickey makes a special announcement concerning The Chick That He Is Dating and himself. I don t know how you get a guy to go through all that again! WTG, Mickey! When Geoff isn t throwing out the R-Bomb, and making that stupid sounding Carlos Menciasque (HACK!) noise, he also manages to lower the credibility of our entire show by passing along half-cocked conspiracy theories involving nuclear power, MSN Hotmail, and your local Coffee Barista. Schmuck. Then fatty grabs the mic and blabbers about Jenny McCarthy s book. See if I ever read you a bedtime story again, tons of no fun! Anyway, Mickey and J are good in this episode, so, enjoy them, and comment as you see fit. We also enjoyed the following great bands this week: Weedy Factory - Did It for the Money Enter the Haggis - One Last Drink

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, strangely not brought to you in this hour by IKEA. It s a known fact that skynet is a pansy, when compared to the SKU tracking system that must be in place at IKEA. Okay, this whole episode hinges on how freaking big that store is. It s big. It s just retarded big (we ll get into that next time.) When God said, Let There Be Light he had to ask IKEA to move. The Vehicle Assembly Building at NASA Headquarters suffers from structural envy when it gazes across at the IKEA store. Bags of Holding do not actually port to another dimension They port to the cafeteria at IKEA. When Omega Supreme picked up Megatron and slammed him into the moon, he actually slammed him into an IKEA. The Borg actually drove around in a giant gray IKEA. Fun Fact: No one has ever seen an entire side of IKEA in one glance. So, yeah. It s a store. I went there. I talked about it. You should go see it, once. Bring food, not just for yourself, but for the thousands of dispirited vagabonds you will be tripping over that were not smart enough to bring their own provisions. We also discussed the assembly of my daughter s crib. I am sure every little girl wants blood red walls, yellow shag carpeting, and a banker s lamp! Seriously I need parenting help. Mickey and J are no help, because they hate me. What do you do with a girl? Does she fish? Color? Should I just get her a Wii now? Normally, I would spend some time here making light of our dear J, as he again committed social suicide this week by catering an imaginary wedding with fake meats for unmet clients in neverwhere. The dude does not have Peter Pan syndrome He has Lo Pan syndrome. His soul swims in it. And by it, I mean pasty not-go-outsidedness. Seriously, folks. Friends do not let friends get so involved in an mmorpg that they are selecting imaginary wines to pair with the imaginary third course. Imagine how sad it would be if he hadn t gotten paid I mean, he did get paid Right? What? I hate him so. You know who I do NOT hate? These great bands! Sullivan - Goodbye, Miss Havisham The Flesh - In Paradise And a very special appearance by Jonathan Coulton with his song Ikea . (You can buy the song for a buck) And Mickey! Make sure you check out the fastest growing segment in internet introspection, it s life coaching with Mickey at the :40!