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Awaken and behold the tale of six chefs, two hearts beating as one, a sad strip, a sassafras dream and a love supreme. I'm Joshua David Stein and this is your Top Chef recap. The fasten seat belt sign chimed off and Nigella Lawson, though tired from her Stansted to Vegas direct, lept from her seat. Anticipation, Satyricon lust, anxiety, hope warred in the ample playground of her bosom. Her nipple twitched in anticipation like a runner at the starting blocks. "Will Padma recognize me?" she wondered, grabbing madly at her Blackberry, "Will I recognize her?" The two food porn actresses would be meeting for the first time since they shared a night of wild Sapphic passion at the Food and Wine Classic in Aspen last year. There, on a blanket of pine needles, Nigella had found herself in the circle of Padma's love. And though time and distance had cooled the warmth of that moment, Nigella hoped they could rekindle that spark and that in the hotter climes of Las Vegas, it could flame to contagion. The whip-p0or-whill mourned the sun as it rose over the Top Chef complex. Inside, six chefs remained, a bunch of culinary Koreshians: Kevin the Redeemer, Eli the Pissant Devil, Jennifer the Dirty Angel, Mike the Mephistopheles, Bryan the CFO of The Afterlife and Robin The Insidious Echo. The chefs rose and entered into the intestines of the Venetian, a hotel that has recreated Italy but without the history, the Vespa fumes, the marble and the art. In a service kitchen, a phone rings. For the Quickfire, they must cook Padma breakfast. She's above them, in a bathrobe, glowing. In a bathrobe, glowing, Padma wants breakfast. She has company, glowing and breakfast-wanting too. Things went well when Nigella cleared customs. Padma had had a rough week, nay, a rough year, but had buffed her skin to an Indian summer and had sugared her crotch to depilated perfection. Her landing strip was ready. Her breast too heaved with excitement and anticipation and also, since she had just taken a monster hit from Tom Colicchio's dragon bong, coughing. A speck of spittle, like a diamond froth, flecked her lips like in a Marilyn Minter photograph. As soon as Nigella and Padma beheld each other they held each other, one folding into the other like dough to dough. Later, they made love, watched The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 ("This is the most unrealistic movie I've ever seen," said Padma, "and not in a good way either.") and then went back to their twin beds and slept in their bathrobes. They were hungry for eggs. Eli, fat baby, who doesn't eat breakfast because he's usually up so late at night playing Scrabble with his Mom at the home he shares with his parents, won. His recipe, a morning play on a Reuben sandwich, will be featured in a Top Chef cookbook. "Cool," he said, over and over. "That's cool, Eli," said Kevin and it was clear he did not think either Eli or his recipe were cool. "Cool,' said Eli, in response. Doing a grave disservice to Las Vegas casinos, the contestants were then sent to be "inspired" by Las Vegas casinos. Eli attends the saddest Circus in the world, Circus Circus. A concession stand sold achos. Fake fare unfair games, manned by real carnies, preyed like leopards on the fat, the slow, the sick, the fannypacked hasbeen and neverwere calves suckling from the teat of capitalism and getting only thin sour milk. Eli correctly noted, "There's no circus at Circus Circus," and headed to a nearby brothel in Ely, NV, to pay $200 for a halfie. Robin went to the Bellagio and got her mind blown by the color there. "I'm an artist," she unhelpfully and incorrectly explains. Mike went to New York New York, home of fake September 11th and began to build a tenuous connection between firefighters and chicken wings. Bryan soberly assessed a shark tank somewhere. Jennifer gots to get completely hammered watching a wizard and wandered aimlessly across a never-ending pattern of carpet vines. Kevin fondled a dolphin. [Kevin: See The Cove and fondle dolphins no more.] After their breakfasts, Padma felt gassy and Nigella felt jetlagged. Worse, the night of passion had left smoldering ashes. Worse still, it was by the light of their watch fire in the night, that each saw looming over the other the cast of characters and the accumulated responsibility that throttled their love. Padma worried that Nigella couldn't be the mother she wanted for her child. Nigella worried they could not make up for distance and the distance between their years. They knew their love was a fragile Chihuly flower, a suspended iridescent air bubble racing to the water's surface where it would burst to oblivion. Whether she saw its disappearance as freedom or as death was a secret neither Nigella nor Padma wanted the other to know. Things were tense at the judge's table. Toby Young, like a child acting out during his parents' divorce, tried to break the ice by making some horrendous jokes. No one paid attention. NIgella tried to concentrate but it was all she could do to not break into tears. Her love was intact and at the same time irretrievable, like a memory beyond the grasp of recall or an insect in amber. For her part Padma, caught in a crossfire of emotion, sank into a slo-mo catatonia. The chefs stood in front of her close but far like in a tilt-shift photo, their words mere sounds and their food dead to a tongue once so passionately entangled. Toby Young, a tattler twat, prattled on, prawn-faced and shrimp-souled, a sad malignant skin tag on television, a twit melanoma given a platform, made even more profane by the love and beauty so close to him passing unheeded and uncaught like waves of a deeper frequency to which he will never be attuned. It was either Sadcircusfatboy Eli, who tried to make soup from white chocolate and cashew nuts, or Cancertalkbot Robin, who made Nerf Panna Cotta, that would be going home. That much was clear. I had hoped it would be both. It was only Robin, who cried and didn't once bring up cancer. [She had cancer.] Her passing was less gleeful than I had hoped. It was more of an execution than a crime of passion. I won't miss her; no one will. She was no good. But neither is Eli and I am sure his parents miss him. Eli, you should go home. Your mother misses you. The human soul is a stupid thing. Nigella and Padma held hands on the way to the airport. They weren't trying to recapture something they never had had anyway but merely grasp what was left. Hope trumps memory and the heart wisdom. Winsome and weeping, the two women, cocooned in the back seat of a Suburban packed with their baggage, cut through the Vegas traffic. They were deaf to the horns, deaf to reason, deaf to anything but each other. They were in an air bubble hurtling to the surface. Padma sighed and nestled into the nape of Nigella's neck. "We'll always have Vegas," she whispered. Nigella just laughed, looked out at the Strip where the neon lights, shining in the hot sun, futily glowed and awaited the night. Thank you to Bruce and Mikey Byhoff and hero intern Yoni Lotan for the video.

Who thought crying for 45 minutes straight would be so fun? Well, try watching Glee, which will open up a can of emotional mayhem on you and then take a glitter shit on your heart. And you'll love it. Yes, last night was quite an emotional episode. And it was shaping up to be a "very special" episode of Glee, like when cousin Geri would come to visit on The Facts of Life, what with all the talk about handicapped people and gays and fake stutters . Being far superior to that '80s sitcom (sorry, Mrs. Garrett) our favorite singing dramedy about lovable losers didn't fall into the easy trap of sentimentality but instead went for some really genuine emotion. I'm still crying just thinking about it. Fucking Glee. To really get into it, let look at what really got us to buy some stock in Kleenex: the music! "Dancing With Myself": Yeah, yeah, we know this Billy Idol ditty is about jerking off, but on Glee it has a much more innocent meaning. For Artie, who finally got to do something other than wheel around aimlessly like a matchbox car in the back of a stationwagon, it's quite literal. He's always off by himself playing a guitar and not dancing with the rest of the Glee club. He's also not going to ride with them on the bus to sectionals because they can't afford the handcapable van that will get him and his wheelchair aboard. It's hard to be Artie, but he doesn't let it get him down. Such heart. Also all alone is Quinn, even though she's carrying permanent company in her womb. First of all, Quinn looks much better now that he hair is out of that tight ponytail and she isn't wearing her Cheerios outfit every day. When out of uniform, it seems like she's growing a personality of her own as well. She was looser and more fun last night than she has been all season. Team Quinn! But it's hard to be her too. She's trying to keep her pregnancy secret and pay for all her doctor bills, and the only support she has is Finn, who isn't doing the job. Speaking of which, Finn had a bout of lonliness himself last night. He's trying to play football and be in Glee and get a job to support his girlfriend that some other dude knocked up. Her constant nagging isn't helping either. But Puck is the stand-up guy Quinn needs, and he's so lonely pining after her that it takes him almost an hour to think up selling pot cupcakes to the school in order to pay for Quinn's ultrasound. A real juvenile deliquent like him should have been able to think that up in no time at all. You're slipping, Puck! Rachel is back in lonely mode as well. Not only does Quinn have Finn asking "How high?" every time she tells him to get a job, but now Mr Schu is making her try out for her solos. Le gasp! She's worried that the auditon/election is going to turn into a popularity contest, but isn't any form of democracy really just that? She has no chance of winning, because everyone hates her, and you can't really blame them when she throws a hissy fit every time something doesn't go her way. You don't see Artie bitching and complaining because he's paralyzed, do you? If he can get through life without whining, then she can handle losing the solo in "Defying Gravity." God, Rachel. You're just like the new version of Melrose Place. We want you to like you, but you just make it so hard. "Defying Gravity": Way to go Babygay Kurt and claim this song for the gays! Well, we've already taken it for our own. Just ask any queen who has stood on a cabaret table on Musical Mondays at New York gay bar Mecca, Splash, and thrown a handful of napkins in the air just as soon as Idina Menzel starts the first chorus. Amazing. Honestly, I enjoy this pared down version much more than the over-produced original from the musical Wicked. Very obviously the song is about overcoming obstacles and using that journey as empowerment. That is just what Babygay Kurt does to get an audition for his favorite song. No wonder a young gay kid has a serious connection to this song, which is all about not accepting the limits others place on you to find the strength to be a powerful individual that wears Alexander McQueen to McKinley High. When Will won't let him try out to sing the song, BG Kurt goes to his dad, who takes his case to the principal. It's so sweet to see Pops go from an uptight greasemonkey to a PFLAG dad in the course of several episodes. All Babygay Kurt wants is a fair shake at trying to win the song, and once he has it, he works hard to make it happen. Puck is looking for a fair shake too, but he wants to try out to win Quinn's icy heart now that she's carrying his baby. He comes up with moolah for her medical bills when stupid Finn can't. Even though he steals it from a bake sale that he made successful with drug-laced treats, his blond-headed object of affection is starting to see that he's a provider. Even more than giving her cash though, Puck seems to give Quinn the first real smiles we've seen all season, when they play Swedish Chef in the Home Ec room. Rather than giving her money, maybe really making her happy will be the thing that turns her heart around. Even Finn is defying gravity by getting a job, even though he has to use Rachel and a little bit of lying about being paralyzed to get it. And why is Quinn even stressing about all this money stuff when she can get Terri to pay. Sure Terri, who is going to take the baby, said no to an expense account, but Quinn knows way too much about her and is way too shrewd to go about making boys pay for her lady vitamins when she can be conniving her way into the lap of luxury or at least a few sets of free linens from Sheets-N-Things. The biggest defyer of gravity is Artie who can not only defy gravity down there (and by that we mean his penis), but is also getting closer to Tina, the girl who has no last name but a stutter. Instead of letting his wheelchair push her away, he is trying to roll right into his heart. But once he gets there, she admits that her stutter was fake all along. We knew it! Either that, or her stutter was so bad that the writers made that up so that she would stop doing it. Seriously, her fake stutter was jacked. We can't believe anyone fell for that. But she says that she came up with her ploy because she was so shy and she didn't want people paying attention to her and doing something that made her different would drive everyone away. But she has found the strength to be at center stage thanks to performing with Glee and she's dropping her ersatz impediment to be true to herself. We thought that Artie was being mean by reacting so harshly to her, but now we totally agree with him. When there are all these people, Babygay Kurt, Puck, Quinn, Finn, even Wicked Witch of the West Rachel, becoming strong by overcoming obstacles, she's been building one to try to hide behind. Sure, it's great she is growing as a person, but to someone like Artie (or BG Kurt or...) we could see how her fake stutter would be a s-s-serious no-no. "Proud Mary": More than Tina Turner's defining anthem, this is a tune about the people one meets on a journey that make the trip worth taking and the burden a bit easier to bear. The biggest enablers (and we mean that in a good way) were all the kids in the club, who got in their wheelchairs to roll a mile in Artie's shoes and to perfect their skills for this killer choreographed number. It's like jazz hands-icapped! Babygay Kurt helped out around the house. When his father gets a homophobic phone call (we swear it was one of Rachel's fathers on the other end) BGK realizes that he may be strong enough to be out but his father isn't. He tells Pops that being a big ol' ball of gay glamor made him different, but his difference made him strong and will eventually get him out of crappy Lima for a job toiling away on Fashion Avenue. Well, that is when the tears started in earnest. We officially have a Pavlovian response to Kurt, and every time he sashays on screen, we get that tight, dry feeling in the back of our throat that signals another crying jag that we try to tamp down. Tinyqueen Kurt (sorry, we had to mix it up) throws his audition so that his father doesn't have to take any extra heat from the people in town who don't want a boy singing a girl's song. We think that his father would have found a way to cope, that he would have found something redeeming in his own struggle to be accepted, but it's noble of Kurt to put his father before his own happiness. He's going to have plenty of time to be gay throwing napkins from atop a cabaret table at Splash on Musical Mondays. Even though Artie is receiving so much good will from the team, he doesn't want to use the money selfishly to ride on the bus, but would rather install a ramp in the auditorium so that other kids can get themselves to center stage once he's gone. Jesus, why can't you just be a normal egotastic teenager, Artie. That wouldn't make us have to pull out one of the crumpled hankies from the bottom of our pockets to dab our eyes. What a jerk! Think of us! But the nicest thing of all was that this was the first episode where everyone functioned as a unit rather than a bunch of subplots swimming along trying to impregnate a musical egg to give birth to this baby of a show. Before when someone would say "Oh, we have Glee, and we're all friends," we wouldn't buy it. But not anymore. And Will really is the one who made it happen. He finally did the right thing and got the kids to look past their selfishness to work hard to bring Artie along with them, and they all benefited. Except Rachael. She's still a bitch. Jump Rope for Heart: Did you think we forgot about Sue Motherfucking Sylvester? Please! She was a bit out of character last night, but she was still the best of the bunch. When she was nice to a little Down Syndrome girl and let her be on the Cheerios, we were seriously suspicious. Then, when she was drilling the girl and being mean to her in the gym, we knew that Sue was going to have some connection to handicapped people that was going to make her a real character and not the funniest one-dimensional sketch this side of Balky Bartokomous. It turns out that her sister has Down Syndrome, and Sue knows a thing or two about defying gravity for her family. OK, Glee, we'll make a deal. You can only go about making Sue MF Sylvester into a real person if she'll continue to be a raging bitch who says every inappropriate thing that comes into her little head. You already made her being a cunt to a retarded girl into an act of supreme love, don't you go doing that to everything. We cry enough as it is! But really this jump rope sequence is like a great episode of Glee: everything piece working in synch to create something that is greater than the sum of its parts. Last night worked very well, mostly because it focused more on the kids and their relationships to each other rather than all the fake-baby-craziness, the Will-and-Emma-will-never-get-together antics, and all the other stupid adult bullshit that drives the show off the rails. It took the time to slow down the plot mechanics and really introduce us to these people. Also, the music sounded better than ever. Just when you thought you couldn't love something even more, it rides a unicorn back from several weeks away with a big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a Snuggie to keep you full, warm, completely satisfied, and a little damp around the eyes.

The professional became very personal last night, as Sterling Cooper dissolves and Don has to account for all his past behavior in order to survive. As we all wonder what the future holds, the past has finally been sorted. The season finale (directed by show creator Matthew Weiner himself) was all about Don's relationships and how he rectifies them in order to move on creating his own advertising agency. Usually happy to be the lone gunman, Don has to rally the troops in order to stake out on his own, which means checking his ego, doing some apologizing, and letting some of the people in his life know just how he really thinks about them. And Joan came back! And Trudy wore a killer hat. All was right with the world as it and Don strikes out in a new direction. Don and Connie: As he has been all season, Hilton is a stand in for Don's father, who also got some face time this episode. We learn from Hilton that Sterling Cooper has been sold to a larger agency, one that Don or anyone else for that matter doesn't want to work for. Because of that, Hilton drops Don, which leaves him in the lurch because he had to sign a three-year contract to secure the Hilton deal in the first place. But what he's really upset about is that he doesn't have his independence. He is energized by Connie's final question: is he going to be a whiner or is he going to be a winner? And with the promise that they'll do business again in the future, Connie gives Don the final push to try to take his future into his own hands. This leads to the flashbacks concerning Don's father, who we learn wasn't happy with the price his crops were going to get in a cooperative, so he struck out on his own to do what was right for him. Instead of selling for cheap, Whitman Sr decides to hold onto his crop and sell it in the winter when it will fetch more money. Though Don tried to shed his past like a snake wriggling out of a dirty skin that was far too tight, he is still his father's son. When things aren't working out for him, he decided that he would rather do the right thing on his own and possibly fail, than succeed as an automaton for The Man. This is later reinforced when we learn that Don's father was literally killed by caving in. When there isn't much money left, Don's stepmother convinces her very drunk husband that he has to sell his crop. He says he'll go immediately, and Don goes with him to make sure he doesn't literally fall off the wagon. But he doesn't even get on the road, when a spooked horse kicks him in the face and kills him. If he had stood by his principal and held onto his crop, he never would have been out there to be kicked in the first place, and might still be alive or at least lived a bit longer. While Don might be the indepence-at-all-costs, up-by-the-bootstraps, fuck-them-all-I-know-what's-right product of his father, he is determined not to be him. He is not bending over to get kicked in the face while McCann fucks him for the rest of his life. Don and Roger: It was easy for Don to convince Bert Cooper to get on board with his plan of buying the agency (or striking out on their own, as they eventually do) since Cooper would be let go if the agency was sold again. However, it wasn't going to be a cake walk to convince Roger Sterling, who Don has spent the whole season trying to distance himself from. It would seem that Sterling would much rather sit in his office counting his piles of coins like Scrooge McDuck while kicking back a few drinks and then going home to goose his pretty young wife before passing out in his expensive bed than actually run an ad agency. But he has the money and the accounts to make a new agency work, and it seems like he still has the ambition too. What he really needs is Don to supplicate himself, which he does with great sincerity. Roger hits the nail on the head when he tells Don he's no good at relationships because he doesn't value them. We see that with his home life as well as how things go around the office. It's great that egotastic Don can be self actualized enough to know he needs Roger to deal with the clients and make them happy, since that's not in his grainy little heart. As we see during their scene at the bar when Roger tells Don that Betty is seeing Henry Francis, Don and Roger work much better when collaborating than they do when competing. The other brilliant thing that Roger brings with him is St. Joan. As soon as Cooper brought up the fact that no one knows where anything is, we thought, "What a brilliant way to bring back Joan," and the vision of her sauntering in to save the day with her red hair coaxed into tight perfecting and the gold pen swaying seductively between her enormous knockers brought tears to our eyes. Welcome back, kiddo. Don and Pete: Don has never been the biggest fan of man-child Pete, but both he and Roger know that Pete is the much better account man for the small (at first) firm they're planning than Ken Cosgrove, the upward failing buffoon who seems like he was made for a life in middle management. While Ken might have beat out Pete at Sterling Cooper because he was a yes man who could fit into the corporate culture, he doesn't have the instinct that Pete has to make it in the big time. Of course, to get him, Don has to put his condescension aside and let Pete know that he will be a valued member of the team. Of course, Pete asks for more than he's worth, but better that than not asking for enough. This is really the best possible outcome for Pete. He was on the outs at SC anyway, and his interviews at other agencies may or may not have panned out, but he will succeed quite nicely at a firm that will value his gifts while overlooking the fact that he is an immature cad deep in his chewy center. Speaking of great members of the team, Pete would really be nothing without Trudy. She fixes things up all nice when Don and Roger come a-calling, and excuses herself with a plausible story when they get there. When Pete starts to lose the way her call of "Peter, can I speak to you for a minute," sets him back on the right course. She isn't allowed into the conversation, but just knowing that she's listening turns his rudder in the right direction. She never strong arms, she just nudges. And then she brings sandwiches. And wears a cute hat! If Betty is gone for good next season, we're going to need someone to give us Suburban Splendor Barbie realness, and it's going to have to be Trudy. Pete got over his hurt quickly and signed up, and another easy sell was Lane Price. Unhappy with being unappreciated, shuffled around, and generally maligned by his bosses and liking the life in New York away from the class constraints of his native land, Price was ripe for the crew to pick off. Considering he was integral to their plan to get the ball rolling, it's good he agreed. We look forward to seeing more of his strangely shaped head around the office. But, oh, his poor wife! Don and Peggy: Don handled the Peggy situation all wrong, at least the first time around. He naturally thought of her first to take with him to the new agency, but he orders her about like he controls her. It's funny that Don has such a great way with seducing women in his private life but he can be so blind to what Peggy needs at work. This whole season Peggy's storyline was about empowerment. She smoked weed, she slept around with a boy, she got an apartment and a roommate, she put her domineering mother behind her, she even got her secretary to respect her (even though winning over her colleagues was a bit harder). And finally, she realized that she has a promising career in advertising and a sexual being, both thanks to skeevy Duck. So when Don comes at her like she's a blubbering child, she finally stands on her own, letting him know that she has other offers, and that she is not there for him to kick around. Spurned, Don reacts the way he usually does when he doesn't get his way, by being a cocky asshole. The way he handles her the second time was perfect though. Don uses his best pitching skills to win Peggy over. Don knows that things have changed not just for him and the firm, but something fundamental in the culture and that Peggy is necessary to keeping up with that shift. She's smart and creative and, like Don says, a miniature version of himself. She is often depicted as a mini Don, giving up her personal life for work, but this episode she seemed more like a grown up version of Sally. When Don makes his offer for a second time she says, "If I say 'no' you'll never talk to me again," and starts to tear up, betraying that all she really wants from Don is his approval. The scene where Don makes up with Peggy comes right after the scene where Sally storms off when he tells the kids he and Betty are getting divorced. It seems like Don making peace with Peggy, his office daughter, is somehow akin to him making peace with Sally. Of course, Peggy agrees to join the team (she nearly broke our heart with joy with the tiny wave of excitement she made when storming the office) and her best moment was yet to come. When the newly assembled Mad Men All-Stars are planning to extricate themselves from the office, Roger tells her to go make him some coffee. She is a secretary no more, she is an equal member of the team, and she is strong and secure in her position. "No," she says in an even and forceful tone, which says, "You will never ask me to do that shit again." Don and Betty: Wow, Betty actually did it! She asks for a divorce so that she can leave Don and marry Henry Francis. This was the only bit of tying up that had nothing to do with work. This year was very personal, focusing on the denizens of Sterling Cooper in their personal lives rather than in the office, so it was a bit surprising when the final episode centered around the creation of a whole new office. Of course, we couldn't forget about Don's disintegrating home life. When he comes home drunk to confront Betty about Henry, he puts her journey this season into perspective: Betty was building a life raft. Everything she's done this year has been to get away from Don. Starting things with Henry, finding out his past, getting money from her father it was her escape route. After all his transgressions, divorcing Don wasn't so much a circumstance, but an inevitability. Poor Betty, doesn't she see that she's leaping from one bad situation to the next. Henry Francis who barely knows you but wants to marry you!! will probably be just as bad and stifling as Don. Just as Don said, he gave her everything she wanted, and that wasn't enough, she still wasn't happy. Why does she think replicating it with Henry will have some magically different effect? When Don chooses to insult her, he really knows how to do it. He calls her a bad mother which, duh, and then calls her a whore. There were several prostitute references last night which are that much more meaningful given Don's mother was a hooker. When he needs to show ultimate disdain for Betty, that's the word he goes for. When talking about the sale of Sterling Cooper, Roger says it's like going from "one john's bed to another." Painting the old firm to look like a whore is the surest way to get Don to distance himself from it. Also, Lane Price's assistant "Moneypenny" is really named Mr. Hooker. We don't know how that fits in, but...hmm? Back to Betty and Don, she takes off for six weeks in Reno so that she can get an easy divorce from Don, because she can't prove that he's been unfaithful. Maybe she should make about three phone calls, because the wronged ladies shouldn't be that hard to dig up to testify against him. Of course bad mother Betty leaves the kids with Carla while she jets off with her new lover to Reno to get divorced/married. This makes us hate Betty. Also, the scene where they tell the kids about the divorce was super painful to watch. Don tries his best to pitch the kids on the idea of their new life, but they're not buying it. Betty can't do anything but hide behind her hand and try to keep the tears in. Future lesbian Sally storms off, sad that daddy is leaving. Little Bobby pleads for daddy to stay, but he won't. No wonder this kid is going to be snorting lines with a very dapper, emotionally-distant Halston in the VIP lounge of Studio 54 he's working out some serious daddy issues. But when Don hugged his son and earlier when he climbed into bed with Sally, we see that he really cares deeply about his children, despite his cool demeanor. But he barely sees them now that they live in the same house, how much time is he going to spend with them now? Sterling Cooper Draper Price, How May I Help You?: Don Draper's marriage may have dissolved, but his firm has just started. He, Roger, Bert, and Lane have drafted Peggy, Harry Crane, Pete, and St. Joan as their coalition of the willing to steal clients and bust into the art department (yes, we saw that someone placed a curlicue letter F in front of Art Department) to take whatever they can get their hands on. This wasn't necessarily a cliffhanger, because the decisive action has been taken. We won't be left guessing "Will they leave?" a la "Who shot J.R.?" but we are left with plenty of questions to ponder over the winter (or in the comments section). Here are a few: Now that Peggy and Pete are working in a tiny office together, are they ever going to come to terms with their past? What is going to happen to Peggy and Duck? Is that still going on? Is he going to ruin Don's new agency? Just what the heck is Bert Cooper going to do? There's no room for his armor and he can't take naps anymore. Do they even need him? Lane Price's wife was unhinged before their stay in the U.S. became indefinite. How soon before she goes completely bonkers? So, does this mean Betty is gone for good or are we going to get to see her staggering unhappiness with Henry? How soon before Roger starts doing Joan again? How soon before Doctor Rapist is killed in Vietnam? Will they think of something interesting for Harry to do? And what the heck is going on with Suzanne (nee Missy) Sally's teacher that Don was diddling? Why didn't he just go right back to her when Betty called it quits? Will she be coming back? How sweet is Don's bachelor pad going to be? Just wait for the Mad Men furniture line at CB2. If Don isn't married, is he just going to spend all of his time scoring ladies or just most of it?

Back up running back Ryan Moats helped lead the Houston Texans to a 31-10 victory over the offensively inept Buffalo Bills Sunday. Ian Eagle and Solomon Wilcots recap all the action from Orchard Park, New York. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 6 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (01:48) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Cbsepisode CBSSports.com Houston Texans Buffalo Bills NFL Recaps Categories: Sports

Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to be inspired by art. The delusion that art begets art. The vision that tears will save you. The delusion that the judges care about your emotions. Finally, the last challenge of this dreadful season of our favorite the fashion design competition. It was yet another "here's some cash, go buy a hooker and some fabric, then make her an outfit" challenge. This time they had to be inspired by something at the Getty Museum and they imported the hookers from the show that dare not speak it's name that airs after Runway. It shouldn't be hard to get excited about beauty in the Getty, but the problem is that the collective talent pool of this group is about as deep as Mad Max's well. How can they be inspired by art when they wouldn't even know how to create something mildly interesting, or at least with a bit of color! Things We Hated: Conspiracy Theories: We really hate it when people say things like "they know he's not talented, but they're keeping him around because he's good TV" and things like that. While we know this is television, we like to think that the competition's producers have at least a little bit of integrity. So now we hate ourselves for thinking that the final three is a great conspiracy by Lifetime to make sure that a woman wins this thing. Sure, the boys pretty much sucked this season (even though Epperson and Ra'Mon deserved more of a chance to show us the goods), but it's a little suspect when the final three are all woman and they are picked by an entirely female panel on Lifetime, television for women. We would never begrudge a woman success, but doesn't this just seem a little bit fishy? More Bitching about the Judges: Last night Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine had the gall to say "I don't know who Gordana is as a designer." That is because you didn't even know her name and had to look it up on an index card. Maybe you would have known her name and her (paltry) aesthetic if you bothered to show up every week to do your job. Also, Ms. Kors couldn't make it in for the final judging when two designers were booted off and the final contestants are picked. Isn't that a pretty big deal? And if we couldn't get MK to do the duty, why not ask Tim? Other than Heidi, he's the only person that has seen the work week in and week out. Choosing Sides: It seems like the producers are working really hard to make the "bitch edit" happen and have all the designers hate each other. It's like if they manufacture some drama it might distract us from the fact that they are all no-talent, no-personality hacks. Having No One to Root For: Does anyone care who wins this whole thing? We don't. Michelle Pfieffer and Aston Kutcher: Wow, how sad is it for these two that they're now making movies for Lifetime. And how sad is it that Lifetime thinks we'd actually watch this movie. We'd rather tune in for a Dude, Where's My Car marathon than this sappy estrogen fest. Being Bored by Runway: Every reality show has its good years and its bad years. But we just hate hating Runway. It's off year just came at the worst possible point, with a new network and a new production company, which probably means that everyone is going to jump ship and in a year we'll be talking about how "remember when Runway used to be good?" We don't want to give up on it, but this season is making it hard. Things We Loved: Cindy Crawford: Damn, how good does she look guest judging! Tim Gunn: It was so sweet when Tim told the designers to go "knock Nina Garcia (FDMCM)'s stillettos off so they fly across the runway." But really, did he think that was going to happen? No. But it's cute that he's still enthusiastic. The End: Thank God this season is over. Let's all pray that next season is great again and then instead of saying "remember when Runway was good on Bravo" we can just say "God, remember that really shitty season they rushed into production because of a lawsuit? That was the worst." In the end, both Gordana and Cry-stopher were sent home to crush smurfs and drown in their tears in solitude. It's not like we'll miss either of you, but it is a little crushing that there won't be one Y chromosome in the finale. But they really deserved to be auf-ed, Cry-stopher for his heavy skirt and runway theatrics, and Gordana for her dress that looked like a giant vagina Georgia O'Keefe painting. Carol Hannah's stunning gold column, Althea's messy gold somethingorother, and Irina's swishing seafoam structured muumuu were enough to take them to the final in Bryant Park. Yay! The end is in sight. But there was no end to the bitchiness, the crying, or lack of inspiration this week. To the videos! Art Thieves Context: The designers stroll around the Getty Museum looking for inspiration. Vision: That using something beautiful will help them create beautiful clothing. Delusion: Silly designers, you need talent to turn art into something creative. What Would Nina Say?: "What's your name again?" Dramometer: 4 Fashion Factions Context: It's Carol Hannah and Althea vs. Irina and Gordana in a fight to the death. But only three will survive. Vision: Bitching about the other designers will someone make your work better. Delusion: None of you deserve to be there, and the audience hates all of you. So there! What Would Nina Say?: "Who is fighting with whom?" Dramometer: 6 Under the Gunn Context: Tim Gunn knows that Cry-stopher is going to make an ugly dress and go home. It's what he's been doing for about a month of episodes now minus the going home part. Vision: Using a rock to make a dress. Delusion: Better to use scissors and paper to cut it to shreds, roll it up in a ball, and just throw it away. What Would Nina Say?: "Tim, why are you talking to that...that, boy!" Dramometer: 4 Runway Arrogance Context: Althea watches her dress walk down the runway. Vision: She uses a bed as inspiration and makes something that is actually pretty cool. Delusion: No delusion here, other than that having the best dress means she's a great designer. What Would Nina Say?: "If I knew who you were, I would pick this as a winner." Dramometer: 3 Meltdown of the Week Context: Cry-stopher defends his dress with, what else, tears! He compares himself to a rock with a piece of algae on it. That's funny, because we think of him more like a mildewy prom dress that has been left in your parents' basement for 20 years. Really, this is the sorriest thing we've seen since we watched Kim Zolciak sing "Tardy for the Party" live. Vision: That getting emotional will make the judges see that he made something great. Delusion: Except the skirt is ugly and looks like a Victorian hooker after she's been graffiti-ed on. What Would Nina Say?: "I don't know who you are, but I know you won't stop blubbering." Dramometer: 7 The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated by Models of the Runway

On election day, none of our favorite Upper East Siders were doing anything. It was all about their agents, boyfriends, cousins, neighbors, and other hangers on. Politics is supposed to be all about power, but this was just weak. Last night, Nate's cousin Trip was elected the only prepubescent member of the House of Representatives ever. The only thing exciting about that is that his crazy wife made the biggest power play of the evening, setting up a fake drowning to get both Nate and his meddlesome grandfather out of their lives. Brilliant. Why couldn't Blair do something like that instead of just messing with some lousy hooker. Still, on this hour of the caviar wishes and champagne nightmares of New York's upperclass, there were plenty of shifty dynamics. Dorota: Fashion Points: Should have known better than to let Blair parade around in that gold metalic number: -2 Power Play: Why didn't Blair turn to her when she needed a friend?: -1 Total: -3 Season to Date: 39 Power Position: Down Chuck: Fashion Points: This man does wonders for a pinstriped suit and a bowtie: +3, Puts the Vanderbilt campaign in a hotel suite with a picture of a girl's crotch wearing panties: -3 Personality Flaw: Knows prostitutes: -1, On second thought, we think it's pretty awesome that Chuck knows lots of hookers: +3 Power Play: Pleases the Vanderbilts: +1, Can't control anyone at his party: -2, Is getting the hostile media to like his hotel: +1, Stands by when Blair gets caked: -1 Quip: "Ladies, this is a classy party, not some sample sale at an outlet mall": +1 Sexual Intrigue: Really loves Blair: +1, Let's Blair clean the cake out of her hair by herself, not by washing it out in the tub for her Out of Africa style: -2 Total: 1 Season to Date: 23 Power Position: Up Blair: Extracurricular Activities: Everything about the "sneak peek" of Leighton Meester's music video the glittery outfit, the clown makeup, the giant hair, looking like a Britney Spears rip off. Just no: -6 Fashion Points: That hideous gold dress and matching coat: -2, Apparently wears all the same clothes as a hooker: -2 Personality Flaw: Doesn't know that Brandeis is clearly a call girl or stripper name: -1 Power Play: Has no friends now that she pissed off Serena: -2, Knows the difference between friends and staff: +1, Pretends she doesn't know Vanessa: +3, Plays frenemies with Serena: +1, Calls Serena a prostitute, because, hello!: +3, Serena lets her eat cake: -4, Thinks Serena is jealous of her because she's in college and has a hot boyfriend: +1, Calls out Serena for dating a poor and having a shitty job: +3 Quip: "No one ever accused [Serena] of saying no.": +1, "He's drunker than Paula Abdul during Hollywood week.": +1 Sexual Intrigue: Only helps get Serena's drunk mess boyfriend out of the party to help Chuck: +2, Has no friends, only Chuck: -3, Things could be worse if your only ally is a sexy, well-dressed, rich power broker: +2 Social Schemes: Thinks about remaining friends with a hooker: +1, Ditches her as soon as she finds out that the skank used her to get rich clients: +2, Seriously, Blair Waldorf should be able to outsmart a hooker named Brandeis: -4 Total: -3 Season to Date: 10 Power Position: Down Serena: Fashion Points: That tie-dyed top would be bad enough even if the draping didn't make her boobs like like warped, deflated balloons: -2, Personality Flaw: Is the go-to girl when people like Trip want to talk about nothing of substance: -3, Power Play: Lands on Page Six: +1, It's the big story at the top of the page: +3, But no picture: -1, Running K.C.'s errands: -1, If she's only as good as her social network, then this girl is doomed: -1, Has no come back when Blair calls her a prostitute, because it's pretty on the nose: -3, Pushes Blair in a cake!: +6, Can't tell that Blair really misses her: -1, Apologizes to Blair by pointing out all of Blair's faults: +2 (for brazenness), Can't get Blair to reconcile: -1, Quits her stupid PR job: +5 Sexual Intrigue: Her fake boyfriend Patrick is sick hot: +2, She makes him put his clothes back on: -1, More than once: -2 Social Schemes: Ruining Nate is coming back to haunt her: -1, Tries to make up with Blair like grown ups: +2, Plays frenemies with Blair: +1, Let's a barely legal congressman buy her drinks when she's underage: -2, She can use that dirt against him: +3 Total: 6 Season to Date: 0 Power Position: Down Dan: Fashion Points: Still looks good shirtless: +3 Power Play: That "Bathroom Boy" thing is a really lame story to be embarrassed by: -2, Gets name checked on Fallon: +3, It's still only Fallon: -1 Sexual Intrigue: Why is he spending the night in Olivia's dorm when he has a Brooklyn pussy den all to himself?: -2, Lighting a bunch of candles and telling a celebrity she thinks she's nifty continues to get him laid: +4, We saw their first date, and it was them rushing off for a slice, nothing having to do with bathrooms, sweating, hand dryers, spiders, or any of that other bullshit: -3 Total: 2 Season to Date: -2 Power Position: Down Olivia: Personality Flaw: Has had publicists so long, that she's bad at being herself: -1, Enjoys Humphrey Board Game Night: -1 Power Play: Can only get on Fallon: -2, Gets Fallon to apologize: +1 Sexual Intrigue: Falls for Dan's whole "candles in the pussy den" trick. Just because there is mood lighting doesn't mean it's any less of a pussy den: -2 Social Schemes: Gets stuck hanging out with Jenny when Dan storms out of the apartment: -2 Total: -7 Season to Date: -7 Power Position: Down Nate: Fashion Points: Looks even shittier in his shirt with no tie and rumpled manbangs standing next to Chuck: -1 Personality Flaw: Cowardly enough to stand by and watch as Trip rescues a guy: -2 Power Play: Thinks his grandfather won't play dirty: -1, Serena goes over his head and gets invited to Trip's party: -1, Helps Trip get elected: +4, Thinks a hottie like Trip needs something other than a good headshot to get elected: -1 Social Schemes: Figures out the hero thing is a scam. That must have made his brain bleed: +2, Screws Vanessa over by sending a fake agent to buy her video footage: +3, Bonus for screwing over Vanessa: +1, Tells Vanessa not to be self righteous. God, how many times have we said that!: +2, Takes the fall for Trip: +2, Plays right into his cousin-in-law's plan: -1 Total: 7 Season to Date: -9 Power Position: Up Rufus: Personality Flaw: Indulges in his board game fixation: -3, Doesn't feed anyone: +3 Total: 0 Season to Date: -10 Power Position: Down Vanessa: Fashion Points: Is meeting someone at Cafeteria. What is she, a gay man?: -1, If she were a gay man, she would know that the far superior elmo is just up the street: -1 Power Play: Is gone so much, Dan is getting mad laid: +2 (cause that's what friends are for), Gets Vanderbilt access: +1, Sells her rescue footage: +2, But only to NY1: -2 Social Schemes: Uncovers the "hero" scam: +2, Tells Nate about it instead of acting: -2, Let's Nate fool her into selling the footage to the wrong person: -2, Exposes the whole scam: +5, Only on NY1: -1 Total: 1 Season to Date: -26 Power Position: Down Lily: Personality Flaw: Realizes that not everyone wants to play board games all the time. Hallelujah!: +7, Forgot that she had a little gay son again: -2 Total: 5 Season to Date: -37 Power Position: Down Jenny: Fashion Points: Looks better pale, sick, and in her bathrobe than in one of her trashy outfits: +1 Personality Flaw: Get's to play a board game: +3 Power Play: Her computer clues Dan off to "Bathroom Boy": -1, Her brother's celeb girlfriend still wants to hang with her even though she's sick and her brother storms out: +2 Total: 5 Season to Date: -44 Power Position: Up

LaDainian Tomlinson had two touchdowns as the San Diego Chargers beat the Oakland Raiders 24-16. Dick Enberg and Dan Fouts break down the game. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 6 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (02:46) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Cbsepisode CBSSports.com Oakland Raiders San Diego Chargers NFL Football Recaps Categories: Sports

Vince Young returns to the Titans and puts up 125 passing yards and 1 TD while RB Chris Johnson racked up 228 yards on 24 carries and 2 TDs. Gus Johnson and Steve Tasker recap the action from the Titans' 30-13 win. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 3 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (01:54) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Cbsepisode Cbssports.com Jacksonville Jaguars Tennessee Titans Recaps Categories: Sports

Tom Brady threw 3 TDs and had 308-yards passing as the Patriots beat the winless Tampa Bay Buccaneers 35-7 at Wembley Stadium. Join Jim Nantz and Phil Simms for a recap of all the action. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 7 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (02:14) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Patriots Vs. Buccaneers Recap Recaps Categories: Sports

Peyton Manning threw for three touchdowns in the Indianapolis Colts' 42-6 rout of the winless St. Louis Rams on Sunday. Kevin Harlan and Solomon Wilcots recap the Colts domination of the woeful Rams. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 13 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (01:22) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Cbsepisode CBSSports.com Colts Rams Recap NFL Recaps Categories: Sports

Good afternoon, my lovelies!!! It's Joshie. Last night OMG it was adorbs! I curled up and watched Top Chef on the television. What did you do, my dolls? If dreams were lightning, thunder were desire, my old house would have burnt down a last night around ten. Strange but not a stranger, Top Chef Las Vegas has entered into its golden dotage, the blossom before the burn. Padma's letting it all hang out and dammit if last night wasn't one of the most satisfying episodes of the season. Come on guys, let's head to the N Resort. The Quickfire challenge was only okay: contestants were forced to cook a television dinner based on a show decided upon by the editors of T.V. Guide, which, apparently, has editors. Only two salient detail warrant mention: Mike Isabella a font of bullshit, an oasis of crap, the Trevi Fountain of excreta, the Hanging Gardens of Assless Chaps has never seen Seinfeld. Apparently he was too busy watching CSPAN and reading Kafka. No, he wasn't. Statistically, a recent study shows, he was most likely to be sitting on his couch, masturbating to cfnm porn in thirty second clips because he is afraid his mom would see if he paid for it. And he did this for years. Also, Padma Lakshmi likes onesies. No shame there. The lady simply can't be bothered with a skirt and a top. In this way, she's like Mick Jagger in Cocksucker Blues. That's not the only way she's like Mick Jagger in Cocksucker Blues, it turns out. But more on that later. To sum up: Kevin wins because Kevin wins and seems utterly nonplussed by winning a suite of Monogram appliances since they're kinda crap. Onto the Elimination Challenge. It wasn't at the F Resort. Instead the happy crew would head to Tom's own restaurant, Craftsteak. They would shut the motherfucker down for one night and let these bunch of monkeys take over. I say monkeys because Mike looks look a bonobo, Jennifer looks like a patas monkey, Kevin is an adorable Spider Monkey, Robin is a red colobus, Eli is an orangutan, Bryan and Mike Voltaggio are both mandrills. [Twenty minutes later, I emerge from the Monkeyhole of the internet. It's so cute in there!] The menagerie go back to the primate enclosure to plan a menu featuring steaks. A bunch of fools. To assume they'd be cooking steak at a steakhouse in Top Chef's bizarro universe is as presumptuous an assumption as expecting that when you swipe your unlimited Metrocard you'll gain entry into the subway and not, as the turnstile turns and you through it, end up on the 30th floor of a tuna salad skyscraper. The next morning as they rummage through the meat locker, Tom walks in all smiley-like. Behind trails a small human fetus with a wide smile and a beanie. It's Natalie Portman. "Hi, guys!" she says and cum gushes out of every orifice Mike Isabella owns. He cries cum tears and sweats cum sweat. From his gums, cum oozes down his teeth. Jennifer, who is standing near him, is visibly shaken. Portman mentions she's adventurous oh and also, she doesn't eat meat and all that meat they had picked out, they might as well slap back together with meat glue, reanimate and put out to pasture because they will be cooking hippie tonight. Fuck you very much Jonathan Safran Foer, for so many things at this point. Every one scrambles and goes through the motions of feeling passionate about not cooking meat. It was very boring to watch, in my opinion. So instead I looked up Natalie Portman on IMDB which not only wasted time but reminded me that there are two types of people in this world: People Who Liked Garden State and People Who Didn't. I would be happy never to meet the latter again in my life because that movie was the worst. Zach Braff is a crime against humanity and the only thing Natalie Portman ever did that was okay was The Professional. Padma mentions little pricks at the end of her tongue. Tom blushes. Salman Rushdie hits himself in his gigantic forehead and says, "That used to be my little prick!" Then he calls Cindy Adams. Portman mentions that it is important to be able to cook vegetarian because she often goes into restaurants that don't offer vegetarian options and demands she is served and they have to do it because....she is famous/pretty/rich? All those things will fade, my friend. In a few years you'll go to Momofuku and demand tofu pork buns and David Chang will burst from the kitchen like some sort of avenging angel and shove pork belly down your gullet. And you'll be trying to scream, "LOOK ME UP ON IMDB! I'M SOMEBODY!" but you won't be able to pronounce your words and then you'll just be another sad fallen vegetarian from a Roald Dahl short story. And now, I'm all out of juice, I've shot my wad too early to celebrate properly the passing of Mike Isabella, who didn't know leeks aren't proteins because he is stupid. I am happy he is gone and happy he is gone before Robin if only so, before he is led off to the shed, he is fully debased, his soul crushed and owned before his body is ground to dust. Mike Isabella, may you never show your face again. Robin Leventhal, may your contest end in defeat next week. Padma, may you never tire of little pricks on the tip of your tongue and may we never tire of you tasting them. Thank you to Mike Byhoff who took a lot of time to get the laughs to line up.

Our little Serena is finally a working girl, and she certainly looked like one last night. But the scariest thing about Halloween on the Upper East Side is it looks like S is finally gaining some power. Trick or treat! Don't worry, you won't be able to miss Serena coming, not with her enormous headlights glaring at you. Yes, we mean her breasts. Speaking of chicken, who thought that Gimlet was a good idea for a club name? It sounds like a part of the chicken you don't eat. So, in case you missed the CW's Upper East Side high school soap opera, here is what the rich schemers were up to last night: Chuck and Blair reunited to open a club, Dan got laid, Rufus made KISS jack-o-lanterns, and Dorota got a footrub. This was no fun-sized episode. Dorota: Personality Flaw: Ticklish: -1, Is a master chess player: +2 Power Play: She may be the help, but she still gets a foot rub from the new mean girls: +5 Sexual Intrigue: Is so busy making Miss Blair happy now that B is on the outs with Chuck, that she has no time to get all Eastern European with Vanya: -4 Total: 2 Season to Date: 42 Power Position: Even Chuck: Fashion Points: His hotel looks awesome: +1, Purple: -1, Red and black makes for a great prohibition look: +1, Secret clubs, keys, and passwords are so last year: -1 Money: All his assets are tied up in the hotel: -1 Personality Flaw: Plays Peaches at his club: +2 Power Play: Can't get a liquor license for his club: -3, Decides it's a good idea to throw a themed Halloween party a day before the big night, leaving no one time to get good costumes or change their plans: -5, Wants to be self-reliant and not deal with Jack and Blair's meddling: +2 Sexual Intrigue: When he works hard he turns Blair on: +1, Lies to Blair about not wanting her involved in the club opening: -1, He and Blair decide to only be duplicitous to other people. Wonder twin powers activate: +2 Social Schemes: Calls the cops on his own party: +3, The party was so hot "Perez Hilton drew tears on his own face because he wasn't there." We applaud anything that makes him cry: +1 Total: 0 Season to Date: 22 Power Position: Down Blair: Family Secrets: Tells Serena Chuck kissed a boy before. We want to revisit this piece of information as often as possible: +3 Fashion Points: Her blouse with the enormous bow is so ugly it's awesome: +2, Her outfit for the club opening is the best of the bunch: +1, Thinks that Soho House doesn't already "look like one of those dirty public schools with numbers on it": -2 Personality Flaw: She shows her love in a funny way: -1, Knows who Lizzie Grubman is: +1 Power Play: Invited to club opening, uninvited to club opening, invited, uninvited: -1 (because this is not the in and out she wants from Chuck), Crashes the party anyway: +2 Quip: "Tell those trick-or-treaters there is no pre-packaged joy for them here": +1, Sexual Intrigue: Would kiss a girl to get Chuck to forgive her: +1, Chuck doesn't want her involved with his club opening: -2, She and Chuck decide to only be duplicitous to other people. Wonder twin powers activate: +2 Social Schemes: Gets Mark Ronson for Chuck's club opening: +1, Goes over Chuck's head for the liquor license: +3, Gets caught calling old lover Jack: -2, Sells out Serena's clients to save Chuck's club: +2 Total: 11 Season to Date: 13 Power Position: Up Olivia: Family Secrets: Fashion Points:Leopard! Cheetara is never a good look: -2, Looks good as a flapper: +2, Would have been funnier if she went as Lizzie McGuire: -1 Personality Flaw: Says that her sex scene with Patrick is "all acting." She's not that good of an actress: -1, For some reason, we don't entirely hate her: +1 Power Play: Perez Hilton hates her. That makes us love her: +2, Can't say no to her stupid publicist who she needs to fire: -1 Sexual Intrigue: Lies about her relationship with her ex-boyfriend: -1, Everyone knows she is dating Dan: -1 Total: -2 Season to Date: 0 Power Position: Down Dan: Fashion Points: Maroon is not your color: -1 Personality Flaw: First Serena, now Olivia, he is a professional plus one: -1 Power Play: Calls Nate out on his totally gay love of vampire movies: +1 Sexual Intrigue: Somehow a sexy vampire movie ruins his libido: -1, Is so blinded by love that he thinks Olivia is a great actress: -2, Olivia picks her creepy ex over him: -2, He gets laid: +5, She's a movie star: +2, The whole world knows about it: +3 Total: 4 Season to Date: -4 Power Position: Up Serena: Fashion Points: Her boobs at the party are gigantic: -1, But we are mesmerized by them and can not look away: +2, Then we notice that her sparkly dress is pretty awesome: +3, Then we notice she's wearing tiny, tiny gloves: -1 Personality Flaw: Is actually a good PR girl: 0 (because we don't know how many points this should earn) Power Play: Ordered around by her bitchy boss: -2, Scores Chuck as a client: +3, Apparently has Condé Nast contacts: +2, They probably got laid off: -1, Saves her job once: +2, Saves her job twice: +1, Saves her job a third time: 0 (because if you almost lose your job three times in one day, you are beyond hope) Sexual Intrigue: She is now dating a movie star: +2, She only did it to save her job: -1 Social Schemes: Convinces Olivia to ditch Dan for the premiere: +2, Chuck and Blair sick the paparazzi on her clients to save Chuck's club: -2, Uses it to get them publicity and save her job: +3, Hates Blair and Nate now. Who is she gonna hang with? Vanessa?: -1 WTF: Doesn't know who Mark Hamill is: -2, Gets to touch James Franco's underwear: +5, But before he's been in them: -1 Total: 12 Season to Date: -6 Power Position: Up Rufus: Fashion Points: KISS jack-o-lanterns!: +3, His Ramone costume is pretty dead on: +2, Thinks a Lady Gaga costume is a good idea: -1 Personality Flaw: Knows the difference between Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift: +1, Can't control his own daughter: -3 Power Play: Wants to stay home and pass out candy to little kids: -1 Social Schemes: Isn't fooled by Lily's scheme to hire fake trick-or-treaters, but pretends to so he can stay home and make her his punk rock Sheila: +2 Total: 3 Season to Date: -10 Power Position: Up Nate: Fashion Points: Hallelujah! His man bangs are back: +4, His Halloween costume doesn't come anywhere close to fitting: -2 Personality Flaw: Owns Olivia's vampire trilogy: -1, Visits blogs about it: -2 Power Play: Gets called out by Dan for being a big vampire lover: -1, Disses Serena for being a stupid PR girl: +3 Sexual Intrigue: Finally fulfills his fantasy of sitting close on a couch with Dan watching vampire movies: +3, Doesn't know what a female orgasm looks like: -2 Total: 0 Season to Date: -16 Power Position: Down Vanessa: Fashion Points: Wherever she was, she was probably wearing something ugly: -2 WTF: This is a Vanessa-free zone: +22 Total: 20 Season to Date: -27 Power Position: Way up Lily: Money: Gives away all Rufus' candy to poor Lithuanian children: +2 Personality Flaw: Is obsessed with hanging out with 18 year olds: -3 Power Play: Is actually concerned about the well being of the high schoolers that live in her house: +4 Sexual Intrigue: Likes Rufus shirtless in eyeliner. Ew: -1, Hires fake trick or treaters to make Rufus happy: +2, Gets a little something-something for her efforts: +2 Social Schemes: Makes Jenny face the mean girls: +2, When she was schooling Jenny, we realized that Lily is the ultimate mean girl and probably has her name engraved on the Met steps. For all the shit she pulled in the past, she retroactively gets: +10 Total: 18 Season to Date: -42 Power Position: Up Jenny: Fashion Points: Doesn't want to get rid of her ugly old clothes: -2, Threatens her minions with wearing a Real Housewives costume if they don't behave. She's been listening: +4, Eyeliner+Tie+Oversized T-Shirt+Fishnets=Horrible: -2, Pork pie hat: -1, Her gay shadow looks ridiculous too, and that is a bad reflection on her: -1 Personality Flaw: Lets her mute gay shadow have an actual storyline: -3, Is a cold-hearted snake, look into her eyes. Uh oh, she's been telling lies: +4 (because we love that song) Power Play: Kicks the gays off the steps: +2, Just in case that is homophobic: -1, Squelches the Great Gay Rebellion of 2009: +2, Has to listen to ultimate mean girl Lily: -1 Social Schemes: Has the mean girls wrapped around her finger: +3, Comes up with a way to go to the party and keep her street cred: +2, Egging that gay was mean: -1, But it shows her power: +3 WTF: Haven't we seen the "Jenny becomes a mean girl, and then feels bad about it and hates her sewing machine and runs away from home" storyline before?: -1 Total: 7 Season to Date: -49 Power Position: Up

Vincent Jackson racked up a season high 142 receiving yards including one TD in the Chargers' 37-7 victory over Kansas City. Dick Enberg and Dan Fouts recap the action. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 12 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (02:09) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Cbsepisode Cbssports.com San Diego Chargers Kansas City Chiefs Recaps Categories: Sports

The Oakland Raiders reverted back to their losing ways after being shut out by the New York Jets 38-0. Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf break it all down. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 1 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (01:31) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Cbsepisode CBSSports.com New York Jets Oakland Raiders NFL Football Recaps Categories: Sports

The Carolina Panthers could not make it three wins in a row, losing to the Buffalo Bills 20-9 at home. Gus Johnson and Steve Tasker recap all the action. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 0 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (01:57) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Cbsepisode CBSSports.com Buffalo Bills Carolina Panthers NFL Football Recaps Categories: Sports

Ben Roethlisberger threw for over 400 yards and two TDs in Pittsburgh's 27-14 win over the Browns. Kevin Harlan and Solomon Wilcots recap the action. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 13 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (01:34) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Cbsepisode Cbssports.com Cleveland Browns Pittsburgh Steelers Recaps Categories: Sports

The Kansas City Chiefs got their first win of the season at the expense of the Washington Redskins. Ian Eagle and Rich Gannon recap all the action. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 10 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (02:13) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Cbsepisode CBSSports.com Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins NFL Football Recaps Categories: Sports

The Kansas City Chiefs got their first win of the season at the expense of the Washington Redskins. Ian Eagle and Rich Gannon recap all the action. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 7 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (02:13) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Cbsepisode CBSSports.com Chief Redskins Recap NFL Recaps Categories: Sports

The QBs shined as Joe Flacco continues to impress and Brett Favre has another stellar performance with 278 yards and 3 TDs. Recap the 33-31 Vikings' win with Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 23 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (01:29) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Cbsepisode Cbssports.com Baltimore Ravens Minnesota Vikings Recaps Categories: Sports

The Denver Broncos stayed undefeated with a 20-17 win over the New England Patriots in overtime. Jim Nantz and Phil Simms recap all the action. Ranked 4.00 / 5 | 15 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (01:52) Submitted By: CBS Tags: Cbsepisode CBSSports.com Patriots Vs. Broncos Recap NFL Football Recaps Categories: Sports