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Stand Up at CandorTV series page at Hulu.comStand up comedian Jen Kirkman discusses marriageAuthor: hulu Tags: Jen Kirkman Model stand up iowa bombs cute comedy writer black men big butt gay marriage married gay marriage president war claps liberal loon economic crisis north korea mars balloons leather bar am weird mouth china christmas crush overpower walk down the aisle flower girl pedophiles restaurant menu drink tinkle number one bathroom sneeze pants poop number two dump truck frozen yogurt sample monster elderly baby csa crime scene cleaned up spic and span husband fiance long line underwear trash date disgusting new york times accident adorable men high standards playboy bunny blonde love optimist funny story wedding sitcom uptight lawyer dharma and greg Posted: 03 July 2009 Rating: 0.0 Votes: 0

Stand up comedian Jen Kirkman discusses marriage

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Moral story from Panchatantra- The great Indian stories

A fun story of a recent vacation, and information on Community Supported Agriculture. Horse and Buggy Produce, our CSA.

  According to the excessively capitalized and exclamation-point-laden e-mail I received last week, I! CAN EARN A DEGREE! RIGHT NOW! FOR WORK EXPERIENCE I VE! ALREADY! HAD! Unlike your traditional university which requires students to waste time studying and learning, the people who sent me the e-mail recognize the value of my forced participation in the School of Hard Knocks. Over the years I ve messed up assignments, missed deadlines, made bad decisions and (on occasion) backed the wrong horse, candidate, political party, or fashion choice. I d always assumed those were moments of shame, but now I can see them for what they really were learning experiences; experiences that entitle me to a Ph.D. in Individual Life Management. All I have to do is submit a one-time processing fee of three-hundred fifty dollars. I m a little skeptical. I m not sure I ve had a doctoral-degree s-worth of life experiences. What if they decide not to give me the degree after I send them the check? On the other hand, I m pretty sure that my wife and, in fact, all moms qualify easily. In the eighteen-plus years she s been a mom my wife has had extensive, on-the-job training in arts, psychology, chemistry, mathematics, literature, English, emergency medicine, small animal veterinary care, fashion design, and counseling   -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the Play button at the top of this post. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT My new book My Favorite Shortcomings is now available. You can purchase a copy for $6.99 or download the free electronic version. All of the details are available at: http://libsyn.com/static/shortcummingsaudio/book.html NOTES:  Want to know more about Mother s Day around the world? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother%27s_Day The book Too Many Bunnies really is a classic. If you haven t read it, check out the author s website at: http://www.rickwalton.com Tags: humor essay | funny story | mom | motherhood | mother s day | comedy

  Americans have a lot to worry about right now. There s the mortgage industry which must have switched to an all alcohol diet and decided that it made perfect sense to loan people more money than they would actually earn in their lifetimes. Foreclosure is now the only growth industry in the financial sector and the fastest selling homes feature the words Kenmore , Whirlpool , and Refrigerator prominently on their cardboard sides. There s the price of gas which is rising so quickly the entire Theoretical Mathematics Department at Harvard has been hired for the sole task of keeping track of oil company profits. One more increase in the cost of sweet crude and it will be cheaper to power our cars with Chanel Number Five. Combined, these problems are giving rise to a recession which will stop the U.S. economy the way a concrete barrier stops a speeding car. There is one bright spot, though. America leads the world in caffeine delivery technology as measured by the total amount of square footage devoted to Starbucks stores. If all of the stores were put right next to each other â I mean even more than they are now â they would cover an area approximately the size of Dallas, only with a faint coffee odor and a Norah Jones soundtrack . -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the Play button at the top of this post. NOTES:  For a very funny take on coffee drinking, I d suggest you go and listen to Comedy4Cast episode #132. Actually, Clinton is a pretty funny guy. If you haven t been listening to Comedy4Cast you should go back and listen to all of them! But start with episode #132. www.comedy4cast.com Interested in supporting the Fair Trade Coffee movement? Check here: www.fairtradecoffee.org Much of the history that I demolished in this essay came from the Wikipedia. You can find the root article on coffee here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coffee Tags: humor essay | funny story | coffee | caffeine | starbucks | comedy

  I pity the Presidential candidates. It s not easy being them. For starters, they live on the road twenty-four-seven. A life of travel sounds exciting until you realize that most of the time they are ending up in desolate, barely civilized places like East Armpit, New Jersey, Rattlesnake Acres, Nevada, and Kansas City. (Special note to readers in Kansas City: Not your Kansas City the other one.) When they arrive they have to pretend to enjoy the local cuisine. Again, sounds interesting until you find out the local cuisine includes Auntie May s special rutabaga bouillabaisse, pig snout sandwiches or haggis. (Special note to readers in Scotland: Not your haggis the other kind.) No matter where they go, the candidates have to pose for photo ops wearing fixed smiles so rigidly indestructible that they can only be removed by specially trained teams of plastic surgeons. The other folks in these photos are always minor local celebrities like the Kumquat Queen, City Mayor or the Vice President of the United States. (Special note to readers who are Dick Cheney: Not you the other Vice President of the United States.)   -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the Play button at the top of this post. NOTES:  If you d like comprehensive coverage of the U.S. Presidential Election for 2008, I suggest NPR: http://www.npr.org/templates/topics/topic.php?topicId=1102#/primaries/. Did the mention of haggis whet your appetite? Check out this comprehensive web page about the famed Scottish dish: http://www.smart.net/~tak/haggis.html The Wikipedia defines spin as a polite synonym for propaganda : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spin_(public_relations). Tags: humor essay | funny story | pr | spin | election | comedy

  The Olympic Games represent the best in human endeavor. The spirit of friendly competition, the years of training, and the satisfaction of seeing our athletes overcome competitors who live in countries where indoor plumbing is a luxury item. It s a time of special pride for Americans and I m sure you share my sentiment when I say, Just how many commercials can they put in one hour? Every company in America (and a few from beyond our shores) is planning to cash in on the games. There s an official car, an official swim suit, an official shoe, and an official soft-drink. I ll bet there s even an official nasal spray and an official liquid drain cleaner. Of course that s not what the Olympics is about. The Olympics is about competition. That means yet another Dream Team. As Americans it is our duty to watch the U.S.A. basketball team play. It doesn t matter that the results sound more like blood-pressure readings than basketball scores. ( 122 over 36 Your systolic is good, but your diastolic is a little low. ) It doesn t matter that it s like watching the L.A. Lakers play the Richard M. Nixon Middle School team. What matters is that you get to watch a team whose total annual income is larger than the gross national product of most of the countries they play   -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the Play button at the top of this post. NOTES:  Although I teased about the Olympics in this episode, I really do have great respect for the amateur athletes who work so hard to compete and the many people organize and execute the games. You can learn more about the history and organization of the Olympic movement at its official website: http://www.olympic.org. If you d like to find out about the athletes representing the United States this year, check out the U.S. Olympic Team home page: http://www.usoc.org/ Finally, please do consider subscribing to Grammar Girl s Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing. It s a great podcast and you should also consider subscribing to her free e-mail news letter. You can find info on both at: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com. Tags: humor essay | funny story | olympics | competition | guys | comedy

  I help my wife with the grocery shopping approximately every eight or nine months. That s about how long it takes her to forget what happened the last time I helped her. When it comes to the weekly run to the Giganto-Mart, we have very different approaches. My wife likes to make a menu, prepare a list, and then stick to it. I, on the other hand, like to make a menu, prepare a list, and then buy whatever catches my eye. Her approach has the benefit of letting her feel virtuous; she s planning and shopping methodically. My approach has the benefit of letting me feel virtuous (I m planning methodically) and spontaneous (I m buying whatever I want!) Sadly, there s no easy way to reconcile our two different approaches. The best my wife can do is hope to contain me. She usually does this by sending me off in search of a specific item â canned beans, vinegar, boiled snipe â whatever she thinks will keep me occupied for the longest amount of time. The more intense the quest, the less likely I am to be distracted by oooh! Look at the new flavors of soda! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the Play button at the top of this post. NOTES:  My wife doesn t really send me hunting snipe, but if you re interested in the origin of the phrase, check out this article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snipe_hunt The line about smart guy was my homage to the great Steve Martin film Dead Men Don t Wear Plaid. It s not a family film, but it s very funny in its own demented way. You can read more at: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083798/ If you d like to follow me on Twitter (where I try to post a note or two while I m writing or producing), you ll find me at: http://twitter.com/kevinleec Tags: humor essay | funny story | shopping | groceries | husband | comedy

  There was a time when I didn t fear food. I ate with gusto and abandon (and occasionally a knife, fork, and napkin) without worrying about the consequences. That was before I understood calories. Like many of the unpleasant facts of modern living â nuclear weapons, greenhouse gases, reality television, etc. â calories were discovered by scientists who meddled in things man was not meant to know. Or, at least, things this man didn t want to know. Indulging in a fast-food burger and fries became a lot less fun when I realized I was consuming two day s worth of calories and a week s worth of fat and salt. If the universe was fair, the size of food items would have some correlation to the number of calories they contained; carrot sticks would be toothpick-sized, baked-potatoes would resemble small beach balls, and burgers would have to be borne about on litters carried by six strong men. When you dared to order one of the frothy, creamy, sugary drinks at your local coffee house it would be delivered in a convenient fifty-five gallon drum. If the universe was fair   -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the Play button at the top of this post. NOTES:  There s a joke in this episode which is a reference to the video game Portal. For his 17th birthday, my son wanted a Portal-themed cake. You can see the very cool cake my wife made at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kevinleec/sets/72157604129898070/ The other part of the cake joke was an homage to the incomparable Bill Cosby. Check him out on his official website at: http://www.billcosby.com/ If you re interested in caloric information for restaurants (and other meals) check out Calorie King at: http://www.calorieking.com/foods/ In this episode I made a joke about the Tokyo subway. If you d like to get some insight into the real experience of living in Tokyo, I d encourage you to listen to Scott Lockman s outstanding podcast Tokyo Calling at: http://www.tokyocalling.org. Tags: humor essay | funny story | food | calories | dieting | comedy

  I have it on good authority that the furnace repairman will be at my house sometime between the hours of five a.m. and midnight today. I couldn t be more thrilled. With the daytime high temps lower than the voting age in most states, this was precisely the wrong time for my furnace to develop an attitude. At the tender age of twelve, it began acting like a spoiled teenager. My polite request for heat was met with the sound of a heavy, frustrated sigh reverberating through the heat ducts and a blast of cold air from the vents. Whether you re dealing with a willful teen or a reluctant machine, the approach is the same â repeatedly flick the reset switch. Except that teens don t have reset switches and the ones on machines appear to be mostly decorative. Having exhausted my entire repertoire of furnace repair techniques, I broke down and decided I had to call the furnace repairman   -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the Play button at the top of this post. NOTES:  The title of this episode is a nod to Eugene O Neill s play The Iceman Cometh. There s a good write-up about the play in the Wikipedia at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Iceman_Cometh. Want to avoid my fate and try a bit of DIY? Check out the article at: http://tinyurl.com/yuotkf. When I m not podcasting, I m busy planning a BIG surprise for the 100th Episode. Keep listening for details and to get advance notice, join the Short Cummings Audio Facebook Group. Tags: humor essay | funny story | home repairs | furnace | technician | comedy

  My children and I live in different time zones. They live in Teenage Standard Time and I live in the real world. In the real world, deadlines have mass and momentum and cannot be ignored. Whenever I get a new deadline it starts making a sound like the music from the documentary film Jaws in which unsuspecting swimmers were viciously attacked by a great white cello player. Take the annual United States Tax Day deadline. Every year on April fifteenth, I m required to file a an extensive set of documents and a distressingly large check with the Internal Revenue Service. (Historical aside: The Titanic sank on April 15, 1912 and I think it s fitting that America commemorates this tragic event by soaking the rich )  -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the Play button at the top of this post. NOTES: For the record, let me state that the views expressed in this article in no way reflect on my actual flesh-and-blood children. They both do a splendid job of keeping up with their deadlines but that wouldn t have been a very funny essay. If you d like to understand Daily Saving Time better (and who wouldn t!), check out the Wikipedia article at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daylight_Savings_Time If you have a teen who needs to get organized, check out Organizing from the Inside Out for Teens at: http://www.organizedteens.com. Tags: humor essay | funny story | teens | teenagers | parenting | comedy

I m worried about my wife s memory. Just last week she forgot a key ingredient for dinner. I found her standing in the kitchen, staring into the pantry with a look of intense concentration; the kind of look you associate with a sage pondering the nature of the universe or someone trying to figure out how best to ask a favor. Bother, she muttered. Seeing no reasonable escape, I took the bait asked what was wrong. I thought we had some spaghetti sauce, she said. You see what I mean about her memory? Taking pity, I offered to go to the store. So long as you re going anyway she said. Could you pick up a French Loaf and some of those whatdyacallits for salad crunchy-bready things. Croutons? Yeah. Here I ll write you a list. I refused. It s her memory that s a problem, not mine -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the Play button at the top of this post. NOTES: You can find some useful Grocery shopping tips here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10944908/. For an interesting article on human memory (including some tips on improving your memory) check out the Wikipedia entry at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memory. If you re not familiar with the Consumer Electronics Show (mentioned in passing in this episode) check out the official CES website at http://www.cesweb.org/default.asp. Tags: humor essay | funny story | memory | shopping | marriage | comedy

  Next week I have to take a personality test at work and I m a little worried. What if it comes up negative? Will I be summoned to the HR office where I will be forcibly enrolled in some flashy, pricey character-building exercise like a Dale Carnegie seminar, a ropes course, or graduate school? I kind of like the personality I have, it s everyone else who needs to change. Especially the machines around me. Really. The gee-whiz-won t-the-world-of-tomorrow-be-great crowd can t wait for machines that have human-like personalities all their own. From what I can see, my machines already have too much personality. Take my cars, for example. I drive a a piece of Detroit iron, American-made with a personality to match. It s loud, abrasive, and completely in-your-face. If I leave the headlights on, it rewards me with a sharp, sustained buzzzzzz; the automotive equivalent of Hey mac, what do you think you re doing?   -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Like this excerpt?  Want the whole story?  Listen to the audio version at www.ShortCummingsAudio.com by clicking the Play button at the top of the text. NOTES: When I Googled machine personality I found this fasctinating link: http://tinyurl.com/2edbn8from the Seminar in Humanities Computing from King s College in London. I write my scripts about six weeks in advance and share them with my family. When he read this, my oldest son said that the ultimate annoying machine personality is GLaDOS the psychotic computer in the game Portal. You can read all about Portal and GLaDOS in the Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portal_%28video_game%29 If you want to interact with GLaDOS on your own, order a copy of The Orange Box . One of the early experiments in computer personalities was called Eliza. You can learn more about Eliza (and interact with her really!) at: http://jerz.setonhill.edu/if/canon/eliza.htm. Tags: humor essay | funny story | personality | machine personality | cars | comedy

  This past Christmas my wife gave me a supremely guy toy. She did this because, after twenty-two years of marriage, she s given up any hope of ever curing me of my essential guyness. Early in our relationship she thought she had an outside chance of knocking the rough edges off me. She thought this because I wasn t exactly a fan of organized sports; football had more rules than any one game needed, baseball was less interesting than its scandals, and basketball and soccer seemed like too much work. Despite my lack of the sports-appreciation gene, my wife found she couldn t really civilize me. Her one attempt to help me get in touch with my feminine side resulted in a restraining order which requires me to stay at least fifty yards away from my feminine side at all times. So I m a guy and to honor that fact my wife gave me a guy toy for Christmas; a self-taught course in miniature helicopter repair.   -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Want to get the rest of this funny story or others like it? Check out the whole story and related links at www.ShortCummingsAudio.com. NOTES: The helicopters I mentioned in this essay really do exist and they really are very cool. They are the Spinmaster Air Hogs Battling Havoc R/C Helicopters available from fine retailers everywhere including at Amazon-dot-com by following the link in this note. As proof of my thesis that these little copters are guy toys, check out the YouTube video at: http://tinyurl.com/2hqxyd For the real scoop on THX, check out the Wikipedia entry at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/THX Tags: humor essay | funny story | rc helicopter | guy | toys | comedy

  There comes a time in every dad s life when he realizes he s no longer the competitor he used to be. Somewhere along the line he s lost the skills and reflexes of his youth and his kids can beat him. It s the day when he passes the video game crown to the next generation. I grew up in the late seventies and early eighties; the golden age of arcades. No ghost was safe from me in Pac Man. If Ms. Pac Man had been willing to trade round and yellow for skinny and adolescent, I d have gone out with her. Figuring out how to get that last Space Invader seemed far more important to me than the national debt, the state of Soviet/U.S. relations, or personal hygiene. If you squinted a lot and used your imagination, the graphics vaguely resembled real figures the way Jackson Pollock s paintings vaguely resemble actual art. The in-game sound consisted of annoyingly simplistic bouncy music (long before boy-bands made such tunes popular). The games were eight-bit, darn it, and I loved them.   -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Want to get the rest of this funny story or others like it? Check out the whole story and related links at www.ShortCummingsAudio.com. NOTES: Special thanks to professional storyteller Harvey Heilbrun for his review of the show on iTunes. You can find Harvey (and book him for a performance) at: http://hdhstory.net/ Lots of people make fun of artist Jackson Pollock and I m no different. If you d like a slightly more respectful look at his work, check out his Wikipedia entry: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackson_Pollock For a fun stroll down memory lane (if you re old enough) check out the on-line Video Game Museum at: http://www.vgmuseum.com/ Fortunately, there are video games for us older folks. One of my favorite new games on the Wii system is Endless Ocean . Follow the link to learn more. Tags: humor essay | funny story | video games | dad | kids | comedy

  If I m the master of my household pets, why was I the one standing in line at the pet supply superstore shepherding two carts through the check-out line? The answer is simple; I m a pawn of the pet-tech-industrial complex. In case you missed it, pet supplies have become big business in this country. The mom-and-pop pet shop of yesteryear is gone, crushed under the weight of warehouse-sized megastores which, if they weren t full of pet supplies, could be used to store a spare fleet of 747s, the Astrodome, or one month s worth of redundant and contradictory government memos. These stores require this much space because they must contain the thousands of mutant varieties of pet food available now. This is food which has been carefully produced in controlled laboratory conditions to appeal to even the most finicky pet owner.   -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Want to get the rest of this funny story or others like it? Check out the whole story and related links at www.ShortCummingsAudio.com. NOTES: As far as I can tell, the good folks at Purina don t actually make Baby Chow. However, I was surprised to find out they do make pet-oriented podcasts. Check them out at this link: http://tinyurl.com/2yhdax Sadly Sony s Aibo is no longer available. You can read about this valiant attempt at robo-pet at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AIBO If you like fish, but don t want to maintain an aquarium of your own, follow the link to the Wakiki Aquarium. It s a cool website that even has some webcams! http://www.waquarium.org/ Tags: humor essay | funny story | pets | cat | dog | hamster | comedy