Family Relationships Videos

Meditating on the Beach “Who makes problems?  We humans.  And who is the controller of the human? The mind.  And how to control the human mind?  Through meditation. By:  Ed and Deb Shapiro, Meditation is now the IN thing. Cross-legged yogis and Buddhist monks can be seen in advertisements for everything from computers and credit cards to herbal teas, major newspapers and magazines carry stories on the benefits of meditation with tips from famous film stars, and no self-respecting bookshop is without a how-to-meditate section. It is only in the last few decades that the general population has begun to realize how valuable the practice of meditation really is, regardless of spiritual or religious interests. Yet meditation has been the main focus of spiritual practice for thousands of years. You do not have to be a hippie or on a spiritual quest to meditate: we have taught everyone from housewives to athletes and musicians, and therapists to CEOs, in town halls, high school gymnasiums, corporate boardrooms, and on our own TV series in London. However, if meditation is so available and as well known as it seems to be, why is it not already an integral part of everyone s lives? If health reports are saying how good it is as a way to cope with stress, why do we ignore it or find excuses not to do it? And why do we think of something as a waste of time when all the research tells us it is of such immense value? Mahatma Gandhi famously said, You must be the change you want to see in the world. In other words, change has to start within ourselves; we cannot expect the world to change if we do not. If we want to have more love in our lives, we must become more loving; if we genuinely want to end terrorism and to bring real and peaceful change to the world, then we must start by ending the war within ourselves. This brings us to the importance of contemplation and meditation. Without such a practice of self-reflection, we are subject to our ego s every whim, and we have no way of putting a brake on its demands. Meditation, on the other hand, gives us the space to see ourselves clearly and objectively, a place from which we can witness our own behavior and reduce the ego s influence. We get to know the madness of our monkey mind and until it loses its hold. Only then do we have a genuine opportunity to change. Through the practice of meditation we find that the more positive aspects of ourselves are enhanced while the more self-centered aspects begin to naturally fade away. As the need to be constantly engaged in the details of our own story loses its relevance, so the ego releases its grip and becomes less demanding. This does not mean that we become just like a doormat and let people walk all over us. Rather, we become more confident, are able to communicate more openly and honestly, and to love more unconditionally. In this way meditation enables us to change. From being self-centered, we become other-centered, concerned about the welfare of all equally, rather than being focused on just ourselves. We become more acutely aware of how we affect the planet, how we treat each other and our world, and seek to become a positive presence rather than a passive or negative one. As we find our own peace, we want to actively help others to also be at peace. When we find our peace there is one less person suffering! We were in India in 1986 when we first met the Dalai Lama, the spiritual and political leader of Tibet, and probably the world s most famous meditator. We were waiting for our meeting in a room that led off a balcony at his residence, beyond which rose the Himalayas resplendent in the morning sunshine. Ed wandered outside to enjoy the view. He saw a monk further along the balcony waving for us to come. We presumed this monk would bring us to our meeting. But as we came closer, we realized that this simple and unpretentious man was the Dalai Lama himself. We immediately began to prostrate, as this is the respected way of greeting such a revered teacher. But the Dalai Lama took our hands and made us stand, saying, No, no. We are all equal here. It was easy to think, Oh sure! You are the great Dalai Lama, spiritual leader to millions, and we are just mere mortals. How can we possibly be equal? But over the following months, we both experienced the true equality he was referring to the equality of our shared humanness and, simultaneously, our shared heart. A Compassionate Revolution A revolution is a re-evolution, where we take a higher step in the evolution of consciousness; it is also a revolving, a turning around of ourselves in response to an inner calling. To be the change and make a real difference in the world means we need a revolution a compassionate revolution. This is the turning of our energy from being focused on self-centeredness, self-survival, and closed-heartedness to concern for others, generosity, and open-heartedness. If we genuinely want to end war, inequality, and abuse, then we have to practice ahimsa and kindness toward all equally, for there will never be peace in the world if we are not at peace within ourselves. To activate a compassionate revolution is to enter into an exploration of all aspects of our humanness so that we can live sanely in a world that often looks insane, riddled with affliction and conflict. So much hurt and denial, abuse and disrespect, so many atrocities have taken place in the name of religion and politics, or through greed and selfishness, so many misunderstandings between families, races, and countries. As the Tibetan teacher Mingyur Rinpoche says, Who makes problems? We humans. And who is the controller of the human? The mind. And how to control the human mind? Through meditation. If you can control the pilot, then the pilot can control the plane. Meditation can do this because it brings us to a place of clear and caring responsiveness. It is that rare activity that can ease suffering while also giving us the awareness and spiritual intelligence to move beyond the self-centeredness and self-destruction that cause suffering. It removes the obstacles in our mind that prevent us from seeing things as they really are, freeing us to become kinder and more compassionate. In other words, it awakens our full human potential. And, as we are transformed, so the world will also transform. ©2009 Ed and Deb Shapiro, authors of Be the Change: How Meditation Can Transform You and the World Author Bios Ed and Deb Shapiro, authors of Be the Change: How Meditation Can Transform You and the World, are the award-winning authors of fifteen books on meditation, personal development, and social action. They are featured bloggers for the HuffingtonPost.com and for Care2.com, teach meditation workshops worldwide, work as corporate coaches and consultants, and are the creators and writers of the daily Chill Our inspirational text messages on Sprint cell phones. The Shapiros books include Your Body Speaks Your Mind, winner of the 2007 Visionary Book Award;Voices From the Heart with contributors such as President Gorbachev, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and Bishop Tutu; and Meditation: The Four-Step Course to Calmness and Clarity. Ed, from New York, trained in India with Paramahamsa Satyananda, with Sri Swami Satchidananda, and with Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche. Deb, from London, trained with Tai Situ Rinpoche. The Shapiros have taught meditation and personal development for more than twenty-five years. They currently reside in Boulder, Colorado. For more information please visit www.EdandDebShapiro.com. Photo:  stress-relief

Blended family The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team. Otherwise, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension. By:  Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. Books for stepmothers tend to perpetuate certain myths. The myth of the blended family and the myth of the maternal stepmother are the most glaring examples. These books’ relentlessly upbeat tone can make stepmothers feel as though our own occasional negativity and impatience regarding his kids are freakish. Other books on stepmothering are so lighthearted, so insistent that we see the humor in our situation and in our responses to it, that reading them feels suspiciously like being told that our concerns don’t matter and that we just need to lighten up. But the real problem with many books for stepmothers is not what they imply, but what they actually say: Remember that his kids will always come first. Leave the disciplining to him. You will regret it forever if you lose your temper or say something nasty to your stepchildren, so whatever you do, don’t. With patience and love, they will come around. The fact that these directives have become a virtual mantra, the unassailable golden rules of stepmothering does not mean that they are right. For example, a number of stepfamily experts concur that in a remarriage with children, giving the couple relationship priority is crucial. It may jar us to learn that our concept that “the kids are the most important thing” is misguided, even destructive to our partnerships. The ideas that you should be second and should accept it, that his kids came first chronologically and so are first in his heart, and that his believing and acting on these ideas makes him a good person are powerful, deeply ingrained beliefs. But all of them can be fatal for the remarriage with children. They are even bad for the children, giving them an uncomfortable amount of power and focusing an undue amount of attention and pressure on them. Andrew Gotzis, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and therapist who works with couples, echoed the advice of a number of marriage counselors when he told me, “In a remarriage with children, the hierarchy of the family needs to be established quickly and clearly. The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team.” Otherwise, Dr. Gotzis cautioned, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension in the marriage indefinitely. To remarried couples with children, the scenario of kids turning to Dad when Stepmom has said no, or vice versa, in an attempt to split the team is all too familiar. A woman with stepchildren may exhaust herself with her attempts to resolve such situations. For this reason, sociologist Linda Nielsen notes that a woman with stepchildren will have more success when she adopts the attitude “My main goal and my main focus is to build an intimate, fulfilling relationship with my husband and to take better care of my own needs, not to bond with or win the approval of my stepchildren.” Nielsen notes that a shift like this cannot happen in a vacuum; the woman’s partner needs to be on the same page with her. If the marriage is to work, Nielsen insists, “her husband has to be committed to creating a [partnership] around which his children revolve rather than a marriage that revolves around his children. Especially when his children dislike their stepmother, the father has to make it clear that the kids will not be handed the power or given the precedence over his marriage.” “Things didn’t improve until I let my daughter know that, even though I loved her, my ultimate loyalty was to my wife,” one man who had survived a rocky early remarriage with children observed. We can only imagine the resultant fireworks in that household. But the outcome was a stronger marriage. This in turn gave his daughter proof that marriages can last. It also replaced what could have become profound confusion about her unchecked power in the family with a sense of secure belonging. As for the advice “Leave the disciplining to him,” whoever said it never went to a home while the stepkids were visiting and their father was out. Certainly, no one is saying to step right in and start issuing orders to your stepkids in your first days and weeks together — and few of us are likely to do that, fearing that we will be perceived as wicked. But what works in theory — you should hold back more or less indefinitely so that you don’t seem like the villain, backing up your husband rather than doing things yourself — doesn’t always work in practice. What happens when a stepchild does something that crosses the line but hubby isn’t around? Are you to sit on your hands and bite your tongue rather than issue a firm “That’s not okay, and you know it”? Moreover, firsthand experience has often demonstrated that the longer a woman with stepchildren waits, the harder it is for her ever to draw the line or be taken seriously as an adult with authority. I can attest to this fact. Because I was more or less a fraidy cat in the first year of my marriage, I had to be a tiger for the subsequent two or three years, as my stepdaughters still occasionally tried to walk all over me, just to see if they could. This was hardly their fault; I waited ages to take a stand about things such as snide remarks, dumping suitcases in the middle of the floor, and ignoring me. Sometimes it is easier and smarter to ignore a stepchild’s annoying habit, to decline to get involved in an emotion-charged discussion over her sweet sixteen party, or to be the voice of reason when planning her wedding. A number of women with stepchildren have found that “disengaging” is, in some situations, far and away the best strategy for them. Other times, ignoring bad behavior just feels like being stepped on and creates a breeding ground for more resentment. And then what? The culture at large is eager to gloss over women’s anger in general, and advice for stepmothers in particular is full of warnings that if we express it, the consequences will be dire and irreversible. This strikes me as absurd. It would be the rare stepchild who never went through a phase of wanting to provoke his or her stepmom. Of course we lose our tempers, inevitably. And although it can feel catastrophic — What if they hate me? What if they think I’m wicked? — expressing our anger is, in my opinion, something we should do sooner rather than later. Otherwise, we risk setting the bar too impossibly high for everyone and creating a situation in which kids, teens, or even adult stepchildren go on pushing our buttons forever in an attempt to see where our limit is. Most of all, we need to learn as soon as possible — to experience firsthand — that being disliked is an occupational hazard for stepmothers, not a referendum on our worth. “Dad’s girlfriend Laura yelled at us once in the car,” my stepdaughter told me solemnly in our early days together. I didn’t know exactly why she was telling me this, but I knew how Laura must have felt, and I admired her for letting the girls know when she thought they’d gone too far. You’re not my mother! Most of us fear that it is yelling or disciplining or losing our tempers or not being nice enough or patient enough or selfless enough that will keep our husbands’ children from accepting us or drive them away. If only we had so much control. Instead, unrealistic expectations about blending and being maternal, difficult developmental stages, competition that is largely inevitable and unavoidable, misinformation about stepmothering, and a host of other factors play a bigger role in the way a reconfigured family group coheres — or doesn’t. We are not, in fact, their mothers. Happily ever after and happiness all around are ideals — unlikely ones at that, even in traditional nuclear families. Eventually, we may find that we have arrived at a place of comfort, familiarity, and real pleasure with our husbands’ kids. But if our happiness is contingent on his kids being happy for us, being happy with us, and loving us, then we have given away our greatest power and put everything at risk. Copyright © 2009 Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do About the Author: Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year’s “Books for a Better Life” award. Photo:  innerglow

Thanksgiving Table Setting The truth is, we don’t pick our relatives. So if the Thanksgiving gathering of the clan is an annual emotional challenge, you aren’t alone. By: By Andrea Israel and Nancy Garfinkel For some people, Thanksgiving evokes warm feelings triggered by memories of a close-knit family gathering, where relatives share traditions and a home-cooked meal. For others . . . it s the beginning of a holiday season stuffed with lunatic relatives, family dysfunction, bitter recriminations, and heartburn. We heard a wide range of Thanksgiving Tales this year while traveling around the country for our Recipe Clubs. Inspired by the plot and structure of our book, Recipe Clubs are storytelling and friendship circles in which women gather to share true-life food-related stories along with recipes. Recipe Clubs are not about cooking; they re about creating community and fostering friendship . . . they re about laughing and crying . . . they re about honoring our own lives and the lives of others. They show us how the simplest, sweetest, or funniest tales about food can turn into deep revelations about our lives. Just about everybody has at least one quintessential Thanksgiving food memory that perfectly captures the complicated feelings surrounding the holiday. Here are some of our favorites: GIVING THANKS One Recipe Club friend recalls the first time she ever cooked a Thanksgiving meal on her own. Her mother, who traditionally did the meal, was recovering from surgery. Her father was working. And her sister was flying in just in time for the meal, but not early enough to help cook. So our friend rose to the challenge, proclaiming that she would do the entire meal, on her own. No problem until reality set in. She woke at dawn, shopped, chopped, and soon realized her oven was half the size it needed to be. By the time the turkey wanted basting the chestnut stuffing required baking and the brussel sprouts were definitely not cleaning themselves! But things really went south when it came time prepare her grandmother s famous pumpkin pie. This was the pie recipe that had been handed down through generations. If it didn t come out perfectly, our friend knew she d feel like a failure. Of course, nothing went right. The pie crust was too wet, then too dry. There was too much nutmeg, not enough ginger. With every crimp of the dough her head swam with the imagined voice of her southern grandmother: A woman is judged not just by who she is, but by what she can bring to the table. When the pie came out of the oven, the crust was too brown, and there was a giant crack running down the middle of the filling. Our friend fought back tears, took a deep breath, and set the pie out to cool, knowing more clearly than ever that neither it nor she was, or would ever be, perfect. But when it came time for everyone to gather at the table, something shifted. Her parents and sister praised her hard work and loved the meal. And our friend realized she had somehow been carried on the wings of the generations of women who had cooked before her, without complaining, to serve a Thanksgiving meal to their family. She felt truly thankful for all the work that her mother, grandmother, aunts indeed all the women she d known through her life had accomplished each holiday. Triumphant, connected, and happy, she understood that food cooked with love is its own kind of perfection. FINALIZING THE DIVORCE One Recipe Club friend recalled her first Thanksgiving after her divorce. Since carving the bird had always been her ex-husband s job, she delighted in finding a new, turkey-free recipe. She settled on an apricot-glazed ham, and went to work cooking a glaze of brown sugar, cloves, and apricot nectar (an ingredient that gave her extra pleasure knowing her ex-husband detested it.) When her grown children came for dinner, they were childishly upset not to have their usual 12-pound bird. But it was delicious, and in the end each one complimented the chef. On her way out, the youngest daughter told her mother, maybe we all need to learn how to gracefully accept change. For this new divorcee, serving ham became a way of asserting her independence, showing her children there was life after marriage, and teaching the whole family to find new ways to be together. IT S ALL RELATIVE The truth is, we don t pick our relatives. So if the Thanksgiving gathering of the clan is an annual emotional challenge, you aren t alone. In a recent Recipe Club circle of old friends and new acquaintances, we met a woman who admitted that for most of her life she dreaded Thanksgiving; all it evoked for her were memories of family fights. The contrast of what she knew Thanksgiving was supposed to be, versus what it was in her home, always made her feel ashamed and disappointed. And yet every November she felt compelled go home for a family Thanksgiving meal. But one year, that changed, when her parents and brother decided to have Thanksgiving away from home. They journeyed together to Nantucket, where they ate dinner at a seaside inn. The inn served a New England clam chowder, rich with cream and warm on a cold autumn night. And they discovered that a new location, with new foods, away from the house where memories were often more fiery than the jalepeno cornbread, turned out to be just what the family needed. Now, every year, back at home, they have a new tradition: serving New England Clam Chowder at their Thanksgiving feasts, each spoonful bringing back fond memories of a peaceful and loving family holiday. A FAMILY OF FRIENDS Finally, a little tale of food and friendship. A reader of our book told us that she had a choice this year. She could invite Uncle Tim and Aunt Zoe, the way she does every year, and spend the entire holiday worrying about whether or not the perpetually complaining couple were happy. She could include cousins Beth and Sean, knowing they would be competitive, putting down her choice of food, her way of cooking, her table setting. She could extend an invitation to her brother and dreaded sister-in-law, who would sit in silence the entire meal and pick at the food. Or . . . she could shake things up and do something entirely different: invite only friends. True friends. People she enjoyed being with. Who made her laugh. Who spoke truthfully. Who shared her passions for good books, good wine, and good music. She took the leap. She dumped the whiners, broke with tradition, irritated several family members and never looked back. The moral: good food and good friends are the perfect combination. Sometimes it s a good idea to trim the guest list before you serve the bird with all its trimmings. ©2009 Andrea Israel and Nancy Garfinkel, authors of The Recipe Club: A Tale of Food and Friendship Author Bios for The Recipe Club: A Tale of Food and Friendship Andrea Israel is a producer/writer for ABC s Focus Earth. She was a producer/writer on Anderson Cooper 360, Dateline, and Good Morning America (which garnered her an Emmy Award). Her story In Donald s Eyes was recently optioned for a film. Ms. Israel is the author of Taking Tea. Her writing has appeared in many publications. Nancy Garfinkel is co-author of The Wine Lover s Guide to the Wine Country: The Best of Napa, Sonoma, and Mendocino(Chronicle Books, 2005). A creative strategist, design consultant, writer, and editor for magazine, corporate, and non-profit clients, she has won a host of graphic arts and editorial merit awards. She has written extensively about food and graphic arts. For more information please visit www.therecipeclubbook.com Photo:  dining delight

Blended Family What stepfamilies themselves, as well as the best family therapists, have known for years, is that the standard of blending is just plain wrong. By: Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. The media is in love with the term blended family. From USA Today to Star magazine to the New York Times, from 20/20 to Oprah, there s no escaping the articles about repartnering with children that don t just label such families blended, but further suggest that blending = success. That is, not blended = failed stepfamily. And the rest of the world follows suit with their practices and expectations. There are web sites for stepfamilies (many of them quite helpful and smart) with names like Blended and Beautiful and Blissfully Blended. Many of the stepfamily members I interviewed over the last three years reported that they found themselves surrounded by friends, colleagues and even therapists who cleave to the notion that these families ought to move on a trajectory toward blending all together, and that anything short of that desired outcome was, well, coming up short. Deficient. What stepfamilies themselves, as well as the best family therapists, have known for years, is that the standard of blending is just plain wrong. It not only misrepresents the reality of life for all the players in a remarriage with children; the concept is also unrealistic and harmful to stepfamilies and individual stepfamily members. Indeed, the Blended Family is what we might call a Big Lie, one of the most entrenched and damaging myths when it comes to stepfamily members getting on with it, surviving, and forming meaningful relationships with each other. What we now know, from lived experience and years of research on families of divorce and remarriage with children, is that judging these families by a first family standard that is, expecting cohesiveness, closeness, and togetherness à la a nuclear family is the surest way to miss the point entirely. Stepfamilies are not only not an effortless, ambrosial smoothie they re not supposed to be. And striving to achieve a first-family-ness is likely unhealthy for everyone involved. A good example of the damage the myth of the blended family wrecks on families is the story told to me by a man I ll call Mitch, a widowed father of two who married Jackie, divorced with a child of her own, about a decade ago. Delighted to have found a life partner to whom he felt deeply connected, Mitch nevertheless told me that his main goal in remarrying had been to give my sons a mother. For his part, he felt he should treat his own sons and Jackie s boy exactly the same, and told me that initially he hadn t even referred to Jackie s son Martin as my stepson but rather, my son. The rest of Mitch s story unspooled from this initial expectation we ll be just like parents to each other s kids, just like a first family in a way that didn t surprise me after my years of research and first-hand experience, but that has shocked and stung millions of stepfamily members over the last decades. Jackie s son resented Mitch s presumptions; Mitch s sons felt the same way about Jackie s attempts to mother them. The three kids rejected their stepparents in every way imaginable refusing to acknowledge them when they walked in the room, talking back, acting out at home and at school which led Mitch and particularly Jackie to redouble their efforts, convinced that they could knit everyone together with enough love. Spurned again and again, they soon felt rejected and resentful of their stepkids. And as the kids fought with each other, Jackie and Mitch were increasingly polarized, their partnership taking on water as they stuck up for their own kids. One day, when Jackie grew furious that Mitch wasn t paying enough attention at Martin s parent-teacher conference, Mitch exploded, feeling cut into pieces. This lead them to couple s therapy with a practitioner who was, thankfully, very experienced with stepfamily dynamics. Stop trying to parent each other s kids, they were told. And stop with the expectation that you re all supposed to blend. This expectation, the counselor told them, was creating enormous stress for everyone. Why were they pushing the idea of everyone loving everyone else right off the bat, and of erasing all their years of separate history and rituals? What was wrong, she asked, with two Christmas trees if the kids found their own way of doing it so important? What was wrong with a kid preferring his own parent? Or with a parent feeling closer to her own child than her stepchild? Nothing. In spite of it rubbing ignorant outsiders the wrong way, successful stepfamilies have learned that super-close first-family dynamics aren t necessary to have good-enough, close-enough ties that sustain and nourish stepfamily members. Residential families, more than one researcher has noted, can have a dorm-like feel: particularly where she and he both bring their own kids to the mix, stepfamily members might eat at different times, even elect not to take all their vacations together. When kids are older and living apart, even less bondedness is the rule. And it seems it is this very lack of closeness that allows stepfamilies to succeed, gel in their own way, and develop positive relationships. The National Stepfamily Resource Center, an organization that has repeatedly called for therapists and the media to stop using the term blended family, has noted that flexibility and respect for difference are more predictive of positive outcome for stepfamilies than tight knit-ness. As stepfamily researcher Dr. Patricia Papernow has noted, When stepfamilies blend, it s because someone s getting creamed. Either the parents are moving too fast and the kids are getting creamed with we re a family expectations, or the adults have this two parent model so the stepparent gets creamed. Too much cohesion too soon may make everyone around us in-laws, friends, even therapists who don t get it feel more comfortable with our stepfamily. But it s not what works for stepparents and stepkids. Lowering our expectations and letting go of the fantasy of blending is the first step to putting together something that s bumpy, but emotionally honest and workable. ©2009 Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do About the Author: Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do was a regular contributor to the New York Post s parenting page for several years, and her work has appeared in a number of national magazines. She earned her doctorate in comparative literature from Yale and taught cultural studies and literature at Yale, the New School, and Baruch College. Martin, a stepmother for nine years, lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons. For more information please visit www.WednesdayMartin.com. Photo:  Vaughn_Photography

Relaxing Massage You don’t deserve to be pampered because you have earned it any more than a baby deserves to be fed, clothed, and changed. By: Sarah Maria Gone are the days when self-pampering was considered overly-indulgent, self-aggrandizing or narcissistic, right? Well, if those days aren’t quite gone for you, hopefully they will be gone by the time you finish reading this post. Here we go: Many of us have been raised with what I call delusional thought patterns. These are any thoughts that prevent us from knowing and experiencing ourselves as the inherently beautiful, perfect, glorious beings that we are and always have been. These are the thoughts that make us think we shouldn’t pamper ourselves. Maybe we don’t quite deserve it; maybe we haven’t worked hard enough. Maybe we will do it after we have finished this project; perhaps after we take care of everyone else. Maybe then we will pamper ourselves . . . Here are some of the stories you might be telling yourself: “Pampering myself is too expensive.” “I should be working instead of playing.” “I should be taking care of the kids.” “I don’t really need whatever I think I need.” “I don’t deserve to give myself what I really want.” “I should be exercising.” “I should be doing something productive.” Pampering, love, affection, adoration, as if any of this had anything to do with merit! It does not. You don’t deserve to be pampered because you have earned it any more than a baby deserves to be fed, clothed, and changed. Consider a baby — would you ever say “Okay, I am going to feed you because you have been a good baby.” You would consider this parent to be completely deluded. You feed a baby simply because that is what should be done when a baby is hungry. And yet this is the way we think we should love ourselves — that love and pampering should somehow be based on merit. We think that somehow we should only pamper ourselves when we have done something to deserve it. Wrong! There is no deserving of pampering — there is simply love longing to be realized. In the same way you would feed a hungry baby, so too should you give yourself what you need and honor the brilliance that you are. Love and pampering should be given to yourself with unlimited abandon — joyously, endlessly. And how do you pamper yourself? Give yourself what you need in each moment — moment by moment. Do you need rest? Plan for rest. Do you need inspiration? Read the books that feed your soul. Do you need relaxation? Get a massage. Do you need clarity? Spend time in silence. Do you need support? Reach out to friends and loved ones. In each moment, life will tell you what you need. Listen. Listen and follow the guidance, the inner-wisdom that is always at your disposal. In every single moment, you have everything you need to give yourself what you need in that moment. There is nothing more important than your well-being. The better you feel the more you can live the life you want to live. You cannot climb a summit if you are feeling depleted — you cannot conquer your inner-demons with a fragile and exhausted mind. The most effective people are not those who have been denied love, either by themselves or by others. Study after study demonstrates that the healthiest, most effective people are those who love with abandon. Deserving to be loved, pampered, and cherished doesn’t end when we become adults. Consider this quote from Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, who has influenced me most profoundly and whom you will see me quote often, since his wisdom is worth hearing again and again: The unlimited is already perfect. You are perfect, only you don’t know it. Learn to know yourself and you will discover wonders. All you need is already within you; only you must approach yourself with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors. Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of the love you bear yourself; all I plead with you is this: make love of yourself perfect. Deny yourself nothing — give yourself infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond. You are love yearning for the perfectly lovable, and you, yourself, are the perfectly lovable that you long to experience. Give to yourself with unlimited abandon and you will discover that what you once considered selfish turns out to be the epitome of selflessness, for when you know yourself as love, you love everyone, unconditionally, unboundedly, eternally. You will discover that there never was anyone more deserving of love than you, no one more perfect than you, and no one to love other than yourself. Perfect your love of yourself and you will love everyone and no one perfectly. ©2009 Sarah Maria, author of Love Your Body, Love Your Life: 5 Steps to End Negative Body Obsession and Start Living Happily and Confidently About the Author: Sarah Maria, author of Love Your Body, Love Your Life: 5 Steps to End Negative Body Obsession and Start Living Happily and Confidently, is the founder of Break Free Beauty (www.breakfreebeauty.com), a company dedicated to helping people love and accept their bodies and discover the beauty that they already are. She is a body-image excerpt, speaker, and coach who speaks and writes on the topics of body image, self-esteem, health, success, and spirituality. Her mission is to empower people of all ages, races, and body sizes to embrace the bodies they have been given and learn to love themselves so they can live their dreams. She has studied and trained with many well-known spiritual and self-help teachers, including Deepak Chopra and physician Dr. David Simon, the co-founder and medical director of the Chopra Center for Well-Being in Carlsbad, CA. She lives in Carlsbad, CA. For more information please visit www.amazon.com Photo: Waterfall Spa

Astrological signs Scorpios have a real interest in the well-being of their loved ones and can show quiet concern over them in times of illness and need. By: Gary Goldschneider ARIES March 21-April 20 Strengths: Independent, Honest, Energetic Weaknesses: Self-unaware, Demanding, Pushy Interactive Style: Purposeful, Focused, Dynamic The Aries Relationship Aries romantic partners can be counted on for their honesty and desire to maintain a close involvement. However, their dynamism is so great that you may not be able to meet their constant demands on your energies. Although they are extremely independent and most likely will encourage you to be so also they will also want to have daily contact with you, whether virtual, auditory, or physical. They would hate being called needy, since their self-image is one of total independence, yet they are in fact very dependent on their boyfriend or girlfriend, at the very least to listen to them, take their advice seriously, and obey their commands. TAURUS April 21-May 21 Strengths: Loving, Caring, Involved Weaknesses: Overpossessive, Controlling, Manipulative Interactive Style: Forthright, Frank, Giving The Taurus Relationship Tauruses tend to be very possessive in matters of love. They will look at you as belonging to them as much as their home, their car, or their clothes, and they will consider this a great compliment to you. Problems arise, of course, if you do not entirely agree with them, insisting that you are your own person and have the freedom to do as you wish. They may even seem to agree with you, since it only reinforces their belief in their own fairness and shows how secure their love for you really is. But, in fact, they will never want to share you or give you up when their feelings go deep enough. GEMINI May 22-June 21 Strengths: Fascinating, Spicy, Sparkling Weaknesses: Unpredictable, Abrupt, Misleading Interactive Style: Oblique, Persuasive, Flirtatious The Gemini Relationship Having Gemini boyfriends or girlfriends will certainly bring some spice into your life, as well as a good dose of uncertainty, since it is difficult, if not impossible, to predict their behavior. Changing moods guarantee few dull moments but can also put a crimp in your plans or undermine the structure of your relationship. Making appointments can be particularly difficult since, although they usually arrive on time (when they do show up), the greatest danger is that they will abruptly cancel an appointment they never really intended to keep anyway. Exasperating but fascinating, these ephemeral creatures will lead you on a merry chase. CANCER June 22-July 22 Strengths: Affectionate, Kind, Giving Weaknesses: Irritable, Selfish, Withdrawn Interactive Style: Self-protective, Accepting, Dependent The Cancer Relationship Cancers enjoy being in a steady relationship. Very much creatures of habit, they get used to having their partners at their beck and call. As a result, they will count on them for everything from financial help to sex. Liking things to go well, these folks are affectionate and kind, as long as they get their way. When denied their wishes, they get very crabby and irritable, often withdrawing into their shell and striking out in anger and resentment. Like their symbol, the crab, they are highly self-protective but are also no strangers to pain. LEO July 23-August 23 Strengths: Confident, Enthusiastic, Supportive Weaknesses: Career-oriented, Ambitious, Egotistical Interactive Style: Proud, Demanding, Pushy The Leo Relationship Leo boyfriends/girlfriends are involved, committed, enthusiastic, and, in general, supportive of your relationship with them, up to a point. They can be counted on not only on weekends but occasionally during the week as well, as long as you do not interfere with their ambitious career plans. Avoid situations in which they must choose between devoting time to you or to their job, since even if they choose you it may be because they feel pressured to do so. Remember that although Leos may hate to lose you, they are always confident in their abilities to find a replacement. VIRGO August 24-September 22 Strengths: Structured, Orderly, Prepared Weaknesses: Compulsive, Tight, Unyielding Interactive Style: Calculated, Precise, Orderly The Virgo Relationship The fringe benefits of Virgo boyfriends/girlfriends become apparent when scheduling travel, making arrangements and reservations, and planning for the future. Virgos will leave little room for error in their shrewd calculations and need to put such matters in order. Sometimes you will wish they did not need to pin down everything so precisely and left a bit of wiggle room for last-minute changes, but for the most part, they will spare you a lot of time and trouble. Generally speaking, Virgo boyfriends/girlfriends serve the relationship rather than their partners and do their best to preserve its integrity as well as its limits. LIBRA September 23-October 22 Strengths: Giving, Affectionate, Loving Weaknesses: Unhappy, Needy, Selfish Interactive Style: Selective, Expectant, Affectionate The Libra Relationship If you are to be Libra s boyfriend or girlfriend, you had better talk, act, and look good. Libras are very choosy when it comes to those they want to be seen with in public; they also expect to be treated well and shown a good time. You can expect rewards from Libras, but it will be clear that your constant appreciation of them is expected without any thought of receiving anything in return. That said, Libras are very giving in relationships, and those who have their love and full attention are indeed blessed. Problems arise when Libras become unhappy, and these difficulties should not be ignored but addressed as soon as possible, before things get out of hand. SCORPIO October 23-November 21 Strengths: Caring, Protective, Interested Weaknesses: Jealous, Possessive, Angry Interactive Style: Involved, Serious, Self-contained The Scorpio Relationship Scorpio boyfriends/girlfriends can be both jealous and possessive. They fully expect your unilateral involvement with them, and at the first signs of your interest in someone else, they are likely to either lash out in anger or become silent, withdrawn, and depressed. Scorpios figure that because they give a lot they should also get a lot, and that you are lucky to have them. But beyond that, for a Scorpio, love is a territorial thing they just don t like someone messing with their chosen one. Also protective, they have a real interest in the well-being of their loved ones and can show quiet concern over them in times of illness and need. SAGITTARIUS November 22-December 21 Strengths: Ardent, Good-humored, Positive Weaknesses: Disappointed, Hopeless, Abandoned Interactive Style: Optimistic, Philosophical, Improving The Sagittarius Relationship Sagittarians make ardent and intense boyfriends/girlfriends. Yet they can also be quite relaxed, enjoying conviviality, good humor, and delighting in the many pleasures of life. Their positive orientations and excessive energies make them a valuable partner, one who will always seek the best in any situation and bring out the best in you, as their partner. They are not good at handling disappointment, however, and may sink into deep depressions when things are not working out. Easily disappointed, their positive orientations can plummet when rejected, leaving them feeling hopeless and abandoned. However, their buoyant spirits revive quickly, and their philosophical orientation urges them to do better next time. CAPRICORN December 22-January 20 Strengths: Selective, Efficient, Deep Weaknesses: Opportunistic, Snobbish, Picky Interactive Style: Serious, Demanding, Direct The Capricorn Relationship Capricorns are likely to treat sex in a very matter-of-fact but also highly natural manner. A typical Capricorn attitude is I got into bed quickly with the other person to get that out of the way; then we could get to know each other better. Although they are very physical beings, going beyond sex is important to a Capricorn, who usually prefers to develop a serious and deep relationship rather than a brief, superficial one. Capricorns are quite capable of holding back until the right person comes along. Thus their innate efficiency and selectivity keeps them from wasting time and energy on losers. AQUARIUS January 21-February 19 Strengths: Fun, Interesting, Exciting Weaknesses: Drifting, Noncommitted, Unfaithful Interactive Style: Bright, Cheerful, Open The Aquarius Relationship The Aquarius boyfriend/girlfriend is faithful up to a point that point usually being when something more interesting comes along. Thus if you can manage to keep Aquarians faces turned toward you and can satisfy their prodigious and often kinky needs, you stand a chance for longevity in the relationship. Invariably you will have to be forgiving when they do inevitably stray, and be able to laugh off some involvements as being trivial. Your own self-assurance may be the one most important anchor for the ever-drifting Aquarius ship. Needless to say, Aquarians can be more fun than a barrel of monkeys, albeit just as difficult to keep under control. PISCES February 20-March 20 Strengths: Passionate, Seductive, Romantic Weaknesses: Possessive, Controlling, Fearful Interactive Style: All-involving, Uncompromising, Committed The Pisces Relationship Pisces boyfriends and girlfriends give their all in any full-blown romantic relationship. Even the most ordinary or prosaic pairings are given new life and suffused with the profound emotions of a Pisces partner. Those involved with them will attest to their demanding, possessive, seductive, controlling, and passionate natures. Even the most fickle or independent of boyfriends or girlfriends will find it difficult or impossible to carry on other relationships at the same time, and long after their Pisces friend is gone they may well remain in an exhausted state of shock for some time to come. About the Author: Author of Gary Goldschneider s Everyday Astrology, is an astrologer and the author of several best-selling books, includingThe Secret Language of Birthdays, The Secret Language of Relationships, and The Secret Language of Destiny. He has studied astrology for forty years and frequently lectures and writes on the subject. An accomplished pianist and composer, he has performed in concerts and recitals worldwide. He lives in Amsterdam, where he writes a regular astrology column for AvantGarde magazine. Visit him on the Web at mypersonology.com and goldschneider.com. Photo: peacockcards

Are You Invading Personal Space? If you re the one with the annoying habits, knock it off! It might just help you keep a job you need in this tough job market. By: Marc Hershon Today is an especially bad time to get fired, especially for something that s not directly related to your job. That s why you should care about simple annoying habits that can damage your image at work. Sure you know those clients or coworkers who drive you crazy. But here s the rub. Without you being aware of it, you probably make other people nuts, too. See if any of the following sounds familiar. If you re the one doing it . . . knock it off! It might just help you keep a job you need in this tough job market. Unprepared Annoyance Factor: 1 Never has a pen. Doesn t read the memos, ignores the agenda. He ends up having to borrow things just to get through the meeting. Cud Annoyance Factor: 2 Eats constantly. The chewing and lip smacking can be heard through the cubes. Worst of all, Cud eats right through face-to-face conversations. Bad Comedian Annoyance Factor: 3 Never told a joke he didn t like. Laugh and you ll never be rid of him. Play by Play Annoyance Factor: 4 Whether he s off to lunch or refilling the toner, you can count on this amateur broadcaster to announce his every mind-numbing move. Swipe Annoyance Factor: 5 Helps himself to other people s stuff without asking. Never brings anything back. Never has anything worth taking in return. Buzz Saw Annoyance Factor: 6 Talks in jargon, catchphrases and buzzwords. His true meaning is completely clouded by his swarm of slang. Hyena Annoyance Factor: 7 Companion to the Bad Comedian. Laughs at anything and everything. Including things that aren t meant to be funny. Yackety Yak Annoyance Factor: 8 Never shuts up, his chatter spreading like a virus, ratcheting up the office sound level. Space Invader Annoyance Factor: 9 No concept of personal space or respect for privacy. Crushes in close enough to smother you . . . or be smothered by you. Sound FX Annoyance Factor: 10 The Clicker. The Slurper. The Chair Squeaker. These noisemaking clods are everywhere, oblivious to the distraction they wreak on everyone around them. ©2009 Marc Hershon, coauthor of I Hate People!: Kick Loose from the Overbearing and Underhanded Jerks at Work and Get What You Want Out of Your Job About the Author Marc Hershon co-wrote I Hate People! With Jonathan Littman. In addition to dispensing advice to the work-lorn through their blog, I Hate People . . . But It s Nothing Personal (www.IHatePeople.biz), Hershon s a branding expert who has helped to bring the world such household names as BlackBerry, Swiffer and nüvi. For more information please visit www.IHatePeople.biz Photo:  SCSSAPICS

Crystalized Wine Cork The next time you attend a fancy dinner party, I dare you to take along a bottle of wine with a screw cap. Then watch the reaction of your host, hostess and anyone nearby who has noticed your bold act. By: Natasha Morgan The surprising truth is that whether it’s an inexpensive bottle of chardonnay or a cult wine from Napa Valley, these days you can find it sealed with a screw cap. Even the old standby “Natural Cork” has added siblings so that most of us barely recognize what kind of cork seals our favorite wine. Natural Wine Corks Wine corks are made from the outer bark of cork oak trees. The cork bark is expertly ‘stripped’ off allowing new bark to grow in its place without killing or damaging the trees. Interestingly, only cork harvested from the Mediterranean region is of a quality suitable enough for the production of natural wine corks. Portugal, Spain, southern France, Italy, and North Africa make up the worlds main cork oak forest. Natural wine corks are “punched” from specially selected corkwood, carefully inspected for flaws, washed, sterilized, and printed or fire branded. Twin Disk Corks These corks are made of pulverized and reconstituted cork remnants and are laminated with natural cork disks at each end. Their density is consistent which makes them a suitable sealing stopper for wine. Pore Filled Natural Wine Corks (also known as Colmated Corks) The pores in natural wine corks are filled and sealed with a mixture of fine cork grains and resins. Agglomerated Corks These are made by pressing together reconstituted cork fragments. They are manufactured from clean natural cork grain. Synthetic Wine Corks These popular stoppers are produced when a foam core is enclosed by a uniform skin that has the right touch of compressibility and memory. This combination provides a proper seal and eliminates the possibility of leaks. Screw Caps Screw cap closures have an aluminum alloy casing as an outer layer with an expanded polyethylene liner. As the cap is compressed, the polyethylene liner compresses and creates an airtight seal. Any oxygen that is needed has been trapped in the bottle’s neck to help the wine mature with grace and character. Although the biggest push toward screw caps seems to have come from France, Australia and New Zealand, many California wineries are beginning to follow the trend. The reluctance for many to accept screw caps seems to point to “tradition.” The fight with the corkscrew, the sound of the “pop” and studying the cork is part of the enjoyment of wine. Experts however, find that the elimination of “corked” wine is a practical reason to switch. What is Corked Wine or Cork Taint? Natural cork is susceptible to a mould that causes the cork to emit a foul smelling odour. When chlorine comes into contact with a mould that randomly grows on the bark of cork oak trees cork taint can result. It can happen during the bleaching or washing process as well as when air or rainwater has been allowed contact an affected cork. However, today’s sophisticated sterilization and sanitation procedures during manufacturing as well as appropriate surface coatings are eliminating most contaminants in high quality corks. Many people equate wines with screw caps as being jug wine—inferior, lower quality, and not for aging. However, judging from the number of high-end wineries that are giving up the noble cork, your screw cap wine bottle at dinner parties may not raise a single eyebrow in years to come. Tip: To easily open a screw top on a wine bottle, turn the label part clockwise with one hand while holding the cap firmly with the other. This article was written specifically for notjustthekitchen.com. It can be copied provided the content is in no way altered and the following link remains active: Read more articles geared toward women. Photo: Bethany L King

Current issues affecting labor unions and workers in Ohio and Central Ohio, with Service Employees International Union (SEIU) District 1199 President Becky Williams, and Ohio AFL-CIO President and Ohio Association of Public School Employees Executive Director Joseph Rugola. Recorded September 8, 2009.

Happy Family Some comments could easily start a needless argument. If we try to diffuse the situation, we could help make family life the way it should be: Happy. By: Natasha Morgan We tend to use a familiar language when interacting with family and another language which is more formal for our friends. Have you ever considered the effect of some of the comments you make to loved ones? Some of them could easily start a needless argument. Here are some examples of statements that might be made within the family followed by what we might say if we gave them some thought first: a) I see you forgot to put out the garbage again. b) I see we missed the garbage pickup this morning. I’ll try to remind you next week. a) Oh no, not another one of your new recipes. b) It’s nice that you make an effort to vary our menu. a) The gas tank is empty again. b) Do you have time to go to the gas station before you go out? a) Did you screw up the internet access again? b) I can’t seem to connect to the internet. Did you have trouble with it earlier today? a) How many times do I have to tell you to hang up your wet towel? b) Hanging up wet towels keeps them fresher longer. a) Take your shoes off before you come in! b) Please leave your shoes at the door. They’re wet and will track in mud. a) Why can’t you put your dirty clothes in the laundry hamper? b) The bedroom would stay neater if you put your clothes directly into the laundry hamper. a) That dress is much too young for you. b) That dress does not suit you nearly as well as some of the others you wear. a) Tommy failed his math test again. He must take after your side of the family. b) We’re going to have to concentrate on Tommy’s math homework. His test results were very poor. Family members living in close proximity to each other are subject to one and others’ moods. Since none of us is perfect and at any given time we may “bark out” an order, whine or even throw a temper tantrum. We should recognize it for what it is and not be tempted to reply the same way. If instead, we try to diffuse the situation, we could help make family life the way it should be:  Happy. This article was written specifically for notjustthekitchen.com. It can be copied provided the content is in no way altered and the following link remains active: Read more articles geared toward women. Photo: Dylan Charles

Mother and Daughter I grew up in 1960s suburban Los Angeles.  My mother didn t like me to smile at strangers, play outside after dusk, and most importantly, be far away from her. By: Leslie Gilbert-Lurie Mommy, I was afraid that you died. I didn t die. Sleeping. I was sleeping. Holding my cell phone, I propped myself up on the pillow and regained my bearings. I was in an elegant hotel room in Washington, D.C. Judging from the burning sensation in my eyes, I had not been asleep for long. I was so worried when you didn t answer the phone. My daughter s small voice trembled. I answered the phone, honey. We re talking. Not until the fourth ring. Her sadness and the demands I knew were soon to follow sent blood rushing to my temples. Mikaela, I m fine. I can t stay here, Mommy. I took a deep breath and thought fast. My voice softened. I just dropped you off a few hours ago. We talked about the fact that the first night might be an adjustment. What did you do this evening? Nothing. I didn t eat. I just cried. She was in Bethesda, about twenty minutes away. Honey, it was a big honor to be chosen for this leadership conference. You were so excited about going, you have a good friend there, you ll learn all about government, and Mommy, please! Take me home! I m only eleven years old, and I m not ready for this. Please. Mikaela, you are ready. You ll be so proud of yourself for sticking it out. What do you want to bet you ll love it there by the end of the five days? She was sobbing now. I won t. I hate it! I don t even feel like myself here. I m hiding in the bathroom so I don t wake up my roommates, worrying that you re going to die! I m not going to die. Not for fifty more years at least. You don t know that for sure. I was afraid she would say that. You re right, I don t. But I eat healthy foods, I exercise, I wear sunscreen, and I don t drink and drive, so I should live for a very long time, right? Can you at least come over here to give me a hug goodnight? It s a trap. She ll never let me leave without her. If I had just flown out of town this afternoon, we would not be having this negotiation. It won t help, sweetie. You ll just miss me more if you see me. By now my head was aching. I won t. I swear. I was not surprised by her determination, but I held firm. No. You just don t understand, she said angrily. Yes, I do. I did understand. She was in pain, a kind with which I was all too familiar, and I could alleviate her anxiety just by jumping into a taxi. But it would be a mistake. Even though she had always been apprehensive about being away from me, she had made significant strides as of late. She d been nervous about a recent two-night class trip to northern California, but had gone anyway and had ended up having a great time. I was certain that this new adventure would also surprise her, and provide further evidence that she could survive without me. After all, she was a survivor. She came by that honestly. I grew up in 1960s suburban Los Angeles, part of a family who was living the American Dream. My parents raised my siblings and me in a friendly, safe, and well- kept community. Every home on the block and every kid looked more or less the same, with a smattering of ethnic diversity to break the monotony. I loved sports, especially baseball, made friends easily enough, and was a good student. My family ate dinner together nearly every night and took occasional vacations, just like the other families we knew. Yet some things were different in our family. My mother believed that I could be president of the United States, but she hoped I could make the leap to high office directly from my cozy bedroom, where she knew I was safe. My mother didn t like me to smile at strangers, play outside after dusk, visit friends whose parents weren t nurturing enough, and most importantly, be far away from her. While I bristled at these restrictions, I lived by them. I knew that my mother s fears were birthed by tragedy. She carried wounds whose power I could never comprehend. About the Author: Leslie Gilbert-Lurie, author of Bending Toward the Sun: A Mother and Daughter Memoir, is a writer, lawyer, teacher, child advocate, and a member and past President of the Los Angeles County Board of Education. Gilbert-Lurie also is a founding board member and immediate past President of the Alliance for Children s Rights, a non-profit legal rights organization for indigent children, chair of the education committee for the Los Angeles Music Center, and a board member of several schools including Sierra Canyon and New Visions Foundation. Finally, she has just completed serving as a member of the mayor s task force charged with developing a new cultural plan for the City of Los Angeles. Previously, Leslie spent close to a decade as an executive at NBC, where, at various times, she oversaw NBC Productions, Comedy, wrote television episodes, and co-founded a new NBC in-house production company, Lurie-Horwits productions. As a lawyer, Leslie worked briefly at the law firm of Manatt, Phelps, Rothenberg and Tunney and served as a Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals Law Clerk. She is a graduate of UCLA and UCLA School of Law. Leslie lives in Los Angeles with her husband, son, daughter and step-son. For more information please visit http://www.bendingtowardthesun.com/ Photo: heather_juma

Woman grieving Who stands up for the dead? Looks after their rights, listens to their problems, and waters their potted plants? By: Katarina Mazetti You ll have to be on your guard! An aggrieved, single woman in a distinctly abnormal emotional state. Who knows what I might get up to at the next full moon? You ve read Stephen King, haven t you? I m sitting by my husband s grave, on a dark green bench worn smooth by use, and letting his headstone irritate me. It s a sober little chunk of natural stone with just his name on it Örjan Wallin in the plainest of plain lettering. Simple, you might even say overexplicit, just like he was. And he chose it himself, too; left instructions with the funeral director. Just a little thing like that. I mean, he wasn t even ill. I know exactly what message he was intending his stone to convey: Death is a Completely Natural Part of the Cycle. He was a biologist. Thanks for that, Örjan. I sit here on my lunch break several times a week, and always at least once at weekends. If it starts raining, I get out a plastic raincoat that folds away into a little purse. It s hideously ugly; I found it in my mother s chest of drawers. There are lots of us with raincoats like that, in the cemetery. I always sit here for at least an hour. Presumably in the hope of getting down to the right sort of grieving if I stick at it long enough. I d feel better if I could feel worse, you might say. If I could sit here wringing out endless hankies without stealing constant glances at myself to check the tears were genuine. The awful truth is, half the time, all I feel is furious with him. Bloody deserter, why couldn t you watch where you were going? And my feelings the rest of the time are, I suppose, pretty much like those of a child who had a parakeet for twelve years and then it died. There, I ve said it. I miss the constant companionship and all our daily routines. There s no one rustling the paper on the sofa beside me; no smell of coffee when I come home; the shoe rack looks like a tree in winter without all Örjan s boots and wellies. And if I can t work out the answer to Sun god, two letters, I have to guess it, or leave it blank. One half of the double bed s always neat. Nobody d worry where I d got to if I didn t come home because I happened to have been run over by a car. And nobody flushes the toilet if I m not there. So here I am, sitting in the cemetery, missing the sound of the flush. Weird enough for you, Stephen? There s something about cemeteries that always makes me think of some convulsive, second-rate stand-up comedian. Repression and gabbled strings of words, of course but surely I can allow myself that? I haven t much besides my little repressions to occupy me these days. With Örjan, at least I knew who I was. We defined each other; after all, that s what relationships between two people are for. Who am I now? I m at the mercy of whoever happens to see me. For some I m a voter, for others a pedestrian, a wage earner, a consumer of culture, a human resource, or a property owner. Or just a collection of split ends, leaking sanitary napkins, and dry skin. Though of course I can still use Örjan for defining myself. He can do me that one, posthumous favor. If Örjan hadn t existed, I could be calling myself a single girl, thirty-something ; I saw that in a newspaper yesterday, and it made my hair stand on end. Instead, I m a young, childless widow, so tragic, so very sad. Well, thanks for that, Örjan! Somewhere there s a nagging little feeling of pure deflation, as well. I feel let down that Örjan went and died. When we d planned our future, short and long term! A canoeing holiday in Värmland, and a high-yield pension scheme apiece. Örjan should be feeling let down, too. All that tai chi, organic potato, and polyunsaturated fat. What good did it do him? Sometimes I m outraged on his behalf. It s not fair, Örjan! When you were so well-meaning and competent! And there s an excited little flutter between my legs now and then, after five months of celibacy. It makes me worry I ve got necrophiliac tendencies. Next to Örjan s stone there s a really tasteless gravestone, an absolute monstrosity. White marble with swirly gold lettering; angels, roses, birds, words on garlands of ribbon, even a salutary little skull and scythe. The grave itself is as crowded with plants as a garden center. On the headstone are a man s name and a woman s name with similar dates of birth, so it must be a child honoring his father and mother in that overlavish way. A few weeks ago I saw the bereaved by the monstrosity for the first time. He was a man of about my age, in a loud, quilted jacket and a padded cap with earflaps. Its peak went up at the front, American-style, and had a logo saying FOREST OWNERS ALLIANCE. He was eagerly raking and digging his little plot. There s nothing growing around Örjan s stone. He d probably have thought a little rosebush totally out of keeping, since it wasn t a species native to the cemetery s biotope. And they don t sell yarrow or meadowsweet in the flower shop at the cemetery gates. The Forest Owner comes regularly every few days, about noon. He s always loaded down with new plants and fertilizers. He seems to take great pride in his gardening, as if the grave were his allotment. Last time, he sat down on the seat beside me and looked at me sideways, but he didn t say anything. He had a funny smell and only three fingers on his left hand. About the Author: Katarina Mazetti, author of Benny & Shrimp: A Novel, was nominated for the Prix Cevennes in France in 2007, and has worked as a journalist, teacher, and author of books for readers of all ages. For twenty years she lived on a small farm in northern Sweden, an experience that became the basis for Benny & Shrimp, her first adult novel. For more information please visit www.amazon.com Photo: sweatheart2911

Top Trivia Questions Why should I care about Johann Sebastian Bach? He was incredibly important in the development of classical music. Without him, there might have been no Haydn, no Mozart, and no Beethoven. By: Caroline Taggart You know how it is the kids come home from school full of enthusiasm for a new subject, ask you to explain something, and you think, Oh, yes, I used to know that. When I started to write a book on things you d forgotten from your schooldays, I realized that I half-knew lots of stuff. I d heard of phrases and clauses, but did I know the difference between them? I had a vague idea about photosynthesis it s to do with how plants grow, isn t it? But doesn t being green come into it somewhere? And then there was the War of 1812 what was that all about? So there are three Top Trivia Questions to start with; I ll answer them and then I ll give you seven more. That way, even if you can t answer the kids questions, you can quickly change the subject and throw in some knowledge of your own. Language: What s the difference between a clause and a phrase? These are the building blocks of a sentence. The difference is that a clause contains a subject and a verb. It often stands alone as a simple sentence (He loves dogs), but may also be part of a longer sentence (He loves dogs, but he doesn t own one). A phrase is a group of words in a sentence that does not contain a subject and a verb (In the afternoon, he took his mother s dog for a walk). Biology: What is photosynthesis? It is as we suspected to do with how plants grow. It s the process by which they convert carbon dioxide and water into carbohydrates, using the energy they absorb from light by means of a green pigment called chlorophyll. Chlorophyll is stored mainly in the leaves and is the reason most plants are green. Photosynthesis releases oxygen into the atmosphere, enabling the rest of us to breathe. History: The war of 1812, between the U.S. and Britain, actually lasted nearly three years, from 1812 to 1815. Britain was already at war with France (under Napoleon) and the U.S. sided with the French. American ships, trying to break a blockade that would prevent supplies from reaching France, were being seized by the British, who then coerced American seamen into the Royal Navy. On top of that, the U.S. was disputing British control of territories in Canada; New England s support for Britain complicated the issue further. This war the last time the U.S. and Britain fought on opposing sides ended in stalemate when the British defeated Napoleon at the Battle of Waterloo and subsequently lifted their blockade. Literature: Where does the expression It just growed come from? It s a misquotation from Uncle Tom s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe (1811-96), a fiercely anti-slavery novel published in 1852, when this was the political hot potato in America. The most famous character is the slave girl Topsy, who didn t know where she came from (i.e. didn t realize that God had made her) and said, I s pect I growed. Math: Who was that Pythagoras guy anyway? He was a Greek mathematician and philosopher who lived in the 6th century BC. His theorem (the word comes from the same root as theory but means something that can be proved) states that in a right-angled triangle the square on the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides. The hypotenuse is the longest side of the triangle, opposite the right angle. This theorem really really matters to mathematicians, because it is fundamental to calculations used in architecture, engineering, astronomy, navigation and the like. Geography: Which were the original 13 states of the Union? In alphabetical order: Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Virginia. Delaware was the first to ratify the new constitution and is nicknamed The First State to this day. Chemistry: What s the Periodic Table of Elements? It s a way of setting out the names of all the known chemical elements so that the vertical columns contain groups or families with similar properties. It was devised in the 19th century by a Russian chemist called Mendeleev and has been in use ever since. An element, by the way, is a substance that cannot be decomposed into a simpler substance by a chemical process. Groups of elements come together to form compounds. So, for example, a combination of the element hydrogen (H) and the element oxygen (O) can form the compound water (H2O). Physics: What are conduction, convection and radiation? These are the ways in which heat is transferred from one body (that is, thing ) to another. Put simply, conduction means that a cool thing whether solid, liquid, or gas is warmed up by coming into contact with a hot thing. Convection occurs in liquids and gases and is the basis of the principle that hot air rises. A hot liquid or gas is generally less dense than a cool one; as the hot particles rise, cooler ones rush in underneath to take their place. The hot particles, having risen, cool and come down again, and so on. Radiation involves the energy that all objects emit. It is the only one of the three methods that works in a vacuum and is how the sun s rays manage to warm the Earth from so far away. Art: Who was Jackson Pollock? He was what is called an Abstract Expressionist and he believed that the act of painting was more important than the finished product. His paintings are therefore highly colourful, often huge, and (like his life) chaotic to the point of frenzy. He died in a motor accident in 1956, aged only 44. Music: Why should I care about Johann Sebastian Bach? He was incredibly important in the development of classical music: without him, some say, there might have been no Haydn, no Mozart, and no Beethoven. He wrote mostly organ music, church music, and orchestral music; his most famous works include the Brandenburg Concertos, the St. Matthew Passion, The Well-Tempered Clavier, and Jesu, Joy of Man s Desiring. He had many children, including the composers Carl Philip Emmanuel and Johann Christian. About the Author: Caroline Taggart, author of I Used to Know That: Stuff You Forgot From School, has been an editor of non-fiction books for nearly 30 years and has covered nearly every subject from natural history and business to gardening and astronomy. She has written several books and was the editor of Writer s Market UK 2009. For more information please visit www.amazon.com Photo: krossbow

Carol Leifer If you plan on having your lover’s name tattooed on your arm, always leave room before it for a possible “I Hate” down the road. By: Carol Leifer #  The people who frequent nude beaches are never the people you want to see naked. #  Making love to a woman is like buying real estate — “Location, location, location!” #  Never buy expensive thong underwear. One trip through the dryer and it’s a frilly bookmark. #  Never put your baby’s length on a birth announcement. It’s a baby, not a marlin. #  If you see a woman with a big belly, never ask if she’s pregnant or when she’s due. Trust me. #  If you have a garage sale at your house, don’t be afraid to put anything and everything out. (I once sold half a bottle of Listerine.) # Never eat pistachio nuts after getting a French manicure. # When someone says, “To make a long story short,” they’re already too late. # When a waiter asks you to taste the wine and you’re clueless, sip it and then say, “Yeah, that should get me hammered.” # Badly cut bangs do always grow back. # A great birthday gift for a woman you don’t like who’s about to turn forty? Magnifying mirror. # Best job for a woman? Judge. She gets to wear a big black weight-hiding muumuu all day. # Worst job for a woman? Naval recruit. How anyone would have the courage to wear white pants all year is beyond me. # When someone starts a sentence with “No offense . . . ,” you can bet they are about to say something incredibly offensive. (Same goes for “Nothing personal . . .” and “Can I give you some constructive criticism?”) # Tequila should always be sold with an instant camera attached to it so the next day you have some idea of what happened. # Five-minute drum solos are always four and a half minutes too long. # The phrase “good toupee” is an oxymoron. # I believe that we can take the word “morbidly” out of the phrase “morbidly obese.” It seems mean and gratuitous, like calling someone stroke-inducingly plain. # Worst question to ask an elderly person? “How are you feeling?” You’ll be there for days. (Second worst question? “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”) # Someone named Adolph has a hard time dating. # When a salesperson in a clothing store tells you that you look great in something, always remember that they work on commission. # The sunny side of the street is the one with the threat of skin cancer on it. # Never wear high heels to an event if you’re going to be outside on a lawn. # If your thighs make noise while wearing corduroy pants, you need to lose some weight. # If you can tie a cherry stem with your tongue, you are really good at sex. # A witch’s tit is not colder than anyone else’s tit. # When your husband suggests experimenting sexually with multiple “inputs,” politely remind him that you are a woman and not a surge protector. #  Never refer to a woman as “ma’am,” even if she’s ninety years old. No one likes it. # You may not rationalize eating an entire pint of ice cream by claiming it was for the calcium. # Never eat at a restaurant that charges for bread. # No one looks good eating a burrito. Not even a porn actress. # A fly in an airplane is very lost. # Men recuperate from the death of a spouse much sooner than women do. # When you offer someone a mint, they will invariably ask, “Why, do I need one?” # Never buy Sweet’N Low, Equal, or Splenda at the supermarket. That’s what restaurants are for. # If you plan on having your lover’s name tattooed on your arm, always leave room before it for a possible “I Hate” down the road. # Why do men have nipples? What’s the point? They’re like plastic fruit. # Professional bodybuilders look like walking challahs. # Never complain about your age to someone older than you. # Director Norman Jewison is ironically not Jewish. About the Author: Carol Leifer’s book When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror will have you nodding in agreement and laughing out loud in sheer delight. Carol Leifer is an accomplished stand-up comedian and an Emmy-nominated writer and producer for her work on such television shows as Seinfeld, The Larry Sanders Show, Saturday Night Live, and the Academy Awards. She has starred in several of her own comedy specials, which have aired on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central. Her “big break” came when David Letterman unexpectedly showed up one night at the Comic Strip in New York City and caught Carol’s show. His visit led to her making twenty-five guest appearances on Late Night with David Letterman. Carol has also been seen on The Tonight Show, Real Time with Bill Maher, Late Night with Conan O’Brien, and The Oprah Winfrey Show. She starred in and created the WB sitcom Alright Already. She lives in Santa Monica with her partner, their son, and their seven rescue dogs. For more information, view Carole Leifer’s Web site.

Sex and Politics Eliot Spitzer, the former governor of New York pays for a prostitute with a credit card? He must be the only public figure to do so! What was Bill Clinton thinking? Okay, he wasn’t. By: Joel Block, Ph.D. Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina, when he was in congress, commented about Bill Clinton’s affair, something like this: “A politician who behaves that way should resign.” The week before Nevada senator, John Ensign, another morality watcher, took the affair bullet. We all know the drill by now, “I apologize to my wife, to my children, to my staff…”yada, yada. Maybe politicians should circulate a standard, generic speech that is usable by all. Come on, what’s with these guys, it’s not just about the affair, it’s also about their words coming back to bite them big. There isn’t much to smile about these days but I wonder if a world wide smile takes place when one of these morality preachers takes a fall. And it’s a toss up between arrogance and stupidity. Eliot Spitzer, the former governor of New York pays for a prostitute with a credit card? He must be the only public figure to do so! What was Bill Clinton thinking? Okay, he wasn’t. Let’s get this straight. Affairs are very common. It’s about politicians because it makes great press. The guy gets down the street gets involved? Who cares? Just his family, but he won’t be getting a call from the Today show booker. Attraction to people other than one’s mate is in. It always has been—the mere fact that there are men and women establishes attraction as a constant. However, when opportunity (politicians have a flood of women interested) and temptation intersect, there’s a greater chance for a collision. But a 5,000 mile trip to Argentina when you are supposed to be in South Carolina doing the people’s business? That’s where arrogance and sheer stupidity collide. For me personally, while I mourn for the uninvolved partner and especially the children who are likely to be terribly embarrassed by an affair in the family, I would rather learn more about things that matter, health care, especially incentives for life style changes so that we are not such a sick country; peaceful ways of approaching global conflict so that we don’t fill our nation’s cemeteries with heroes who, we realize a few years later, (think Viet Nam) died in vain; why not some ink on the epidemic of divorce in this country and thoughts on solutions?Not salacious enough? Gays will corrupt the concept of marriage? Maybe I missed it. When has the debate really become serious, serious enough to get behind the fear. The anti-gay marriage crowd must be kidding. Marriage is already a failing institution. Half of those married get divorced and of the remaining half, probably half of them would divorce if not for money, kids, fear, etc. The children of divorce (I was a stepchild twice) take a hit. Why not more about that in the news? In other words, what about real news that is relevant for our lives rather than the “car crash” kind of stuff that grabs our attention and, in the long run, is basically colorful junk mail. About the Author: Joel Block, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychologist, practicing couple and sex therapy in New York and offering couple-relationship seminars throughout the United States. Dr. Block has appeared on the Today show, Good Morning America, and CBS Morning. He lives in New York.
Visit Joel Block, Ph.D. at www.drblock.com His latest book book is written with Kimberly Dawn Neumann, Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Save Your Relationship—without leaving the bedroom. Each chapter fleshes out a common couple issue and provides a two-pronged solution: mind and body. The mind approach takes a close look at the issue and offers specific solutions. The body approach involves a customized sexual experience that addresses the issue and integrates the solution. Memo to politicians (and others of the wandering eye): read chapter 10, We’re Reeling From an Affair . It may just be the beginning of a new start. For more information please visit www.SexComesFirst.com. Photo: Corey Ann

Happy Woman You’d be surprised how often the things we do actually make things worse, and how often things we think are unimportant have a huge impact. By: Andrew J. Rosenthal A wealth of research has been done over the past few years on happiness – why it’s so important to be happy, how to measure your own happiness and of course, how to improve your own happiness. Yet we’re all so busy on a day to day basis, that trying to focus on happiness can seem like a luxury. It’s important to know why happiness is such a big deal. Here are a few proven by- products of happiness that just might surprise you! •    It feels good. Perhaps this is the most obvious benefit: it feels better day-to-day if you’re happy than it does if you’re unhappy.  This benefit isn’t just psychological — happier people live better, and live longer. •    Happier people do better in their jobs. A recent study found that happy people make more money and obtain better job performance reviews than do unhappy people. •    Happier people are more creative. People who experience positive emotions on a regular basis are better at a wide variety of mental tasks that tap things like self-discipline, creativity, and decision-making. •    Happier people are more resilient. People who are optimistic about the future, and about their ability to make an impact on their future, are better suited to persevere in the face of adversity and find opportunities for growth. It turns out that positive emotions are a key ingredient of resilience in the face of adversity. •    Happier people have better relationships. Being happy makes people more interested in befriending you. When we are happy, we behave in certain ways that make people enjoy being around us more. The friends we already have will be more likely to stick with us when the chips are down if the chips aren’t always down. Most people tell us all this is great, but who has the time to work on being happier? These days we can barely make it to the gym, let alone add on a set of “happiness exercises.”  But there are easy, quick things we can do each day to become happier that take maybe five minutes, even less. •    Do at least one thing per day completely.  By that, I mean, experience it fully, without going off into your head and thinking about what you need to do later, what you’re worried might happen, or whether whatever you are doing is a good use of your time.  Just do it, and savor it.  It can be anything – a meal, your shower, even a conversation – and you don’t have to plan it in advance.  What’s more important is that you pick something you usually rush through or do distractedly and instead be completely present while you are doing it. •    Every night, reflect on the things that went well that day.  We have all sorts of cognitive biases that make it easy to forget good things, or let bad things overshadow them.  We have to work hard to keep them from disappearing from our memory altogether, and one of the quickest, easiest ways to do that is to set a specific time to remember (and maybe even record) them.  Happier.com has created an iPhone application called the “gratitude journal” that records your bright spots during the day and tracks your happiness “quotient”.  You can do it in just a few minutes a day. •    Experiment with your daily routine.  Develop some ideas about what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy and see if you’re right.  Keep a log of what you do each day and what your mood is throughout the day, and see what factors make a difference.  You’d be surprised how often the things we do because we think they are helping us actually make things worse, and how often things we think are unimportant have a huge impact. About the Author: Andrew J. Rosenthal is a founder of happier.com,  a set of tools for measuring and increasing one s happiness, backed by the science of positive psychology.  He works with leading researchers to go beyond the books and develop online exercises for happier.com. Happier.com goes beyond the books and uses research-based tools to inspire people to feel happier and more resilient. Through assessments and exercises to measure, track and improve happiness, thousands of users have experienced a meaningful improvement. Easy-to-use applications, both online and for the iPhone, provide users with the tools they need to be happier.  Focusing on what goes well, and why, helps you build your life around authentic sources of happiness. Photo: badboypp

When couples make the decision to divorce, their lives are in turmoil. Their emotions run high and much pain and anguish fill their days. By: Natasha Morgan It started out to be a nice visit from my son. We spent a great deal of time talking about our jobs and how our family members were coping with every day trials and tribulations. When we moved on to his family, he dropped the bombshell. I felt as though I had been kicked in the stomach when the words came out of his mouth: “Susan and I are getting a divorce!” How can that be? They always seemed happy and I never witnessed any arguing. Their two-year-old daughter was an angel and much adored by both of her parents. After ten years of marriage and a child, how can they now want to go their separate ways? I have friends who have gone through this experience but I never truly appreciated how painful it can be for the parents of divorcing couples. It’s true that once you have a child, you worry about them the rest of your life. When they are young, you can sometimes “kiss and make it better.” However, as adults their decisions are their own and they must bear the consequences of their actions. As a parent, we can listen and try to add perspective to the situation but interfering is not part of our job. For weeks following the shocking news, I had trouble sleeping. I kept hoping that they might work things out, yet I knew that it was over. I began wondering how my grand daughter would cope with the split and how they would manage the visitations. Then there would be the family gatherings and holidays. My daughter-in-law has been part of our family for all those years; will she no longer feel comfortable joining us? What happens if and when they find new love interests? It will be a big adjustment for our family but much more so for a small child. When couples make the decision to divorce, their lives are in turmoil. Their emotions run high and much pain and anguish fill their days. They don’t have enough energy to consider how difficult it is for their parents. We quietly wait by the sidelines, try to be supportive and make a huge effort not to lay blame on either party. If we want to remain part of our grand children’s lives we must keep all the doors open. Taking sides would only make things worse. Divorce although traumatic, can be the right solution for some couples.  It nevertheless is not easy for anyone concerned. Whatever the reasons for the break-up, parents of divorcing children are very much affected. This article was written specifically for notjustthekitchen.com. It can be copied provided the content is in no way altered and the following link remains active: Read more articles geared toward women. Photo:  smellyknee

Trying to get out of their janitorial jobs, Stan and Ollie successfully pose as super-sleuths and are hired to protect inventor Alva P. Hartley and his latest invention, a super-bomb.