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Did the Colonel start the Second World War? Did the Colonel steal the World Cup? Does the Colonel believe in God? All this plus the wonderful Heather Mills clearing landmines.

How Jimmy Hill was responsible for the break up between Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. Also; the mystery of Princess Di's third son and the corrupt Chin Society, whos members include Jennifer Aniston, Bruce Forsyth, and their plot to take over the world.

Stephen Hawkins and Davros the traffic wardens, signed Royal prostates on ebay and torturing Vernon Kay.

The male birth, wrestling Cliff Richard for the prize, Red Ken's World of Wonder

Peeling testicles, money, power, fame and unprotected bottle sex, Bono and retards on tv

The Colonel is in love and is naked. Topics on the table today include inciting riots, berzerking on buses and the unfortunate display of Mrs. Webb's gash

The strange case of the disappearance of Brian May. Starring Steve Irwin, Hugh Hucknall, David Furnish as a Royal Corgi and Ben Affleck. Guest starring George Michael

The Colonel's great vision of The Vernon Kay Puppet Show will alas never come to be due to the passing on of Jeremy Beadle. How Robert Maxwell never learnt to swim and why the real Ian Hislop is incarcerated at the North Pole. All of this and much less more in the first of the new series of the Colonel's dubious memoirs

Who is the Bum Bandit of Westminster Bridge? The Colonel interviews his brother to get to the bottom of this disturbing saga.

Weekly comedy podcasts from Colonel Crabtree Smythe... preposterous tales involving the famous, infamous and imaginary.

Weekly comedy podcasts from Colonel Crabtree Smythe... preposterous tales involving the famous, infamous and imaginary.

Ron Hubbard and the hollywood cults are on the agenda today... dancing naked, selling your soul to the corporate 'man'

The Colonel explains his mad visions for profiteering from the melting icecaps... Who stole Kevin Costner's tights? Lesbian sex fests at Wimbledon and how the Colonel contributed to the downfall of Tony Blair

The Colonel's been reading the Daily Mail again and talks of sexual thrusting, fear of flowery types and the odd bit of prodding. He also recalls his African adventures and the time he was molested by a High ranking Nazi.

Ninja tricks, Sergio escapes, ballet dancing and the tale of Heather McCartney's missing leg.

Chaotic scenes ensue as the studio is invaded...The Colonel explains why Hitler embarked on his campaign of mass genocide... Extreme method acting...Offers of amputation and Ian Hislop.

"Denouement" THE LAST EPISODE OF 'ALLO 'ALLO !!! part1 - The Allies are nearly ready to reach Nouvion. Yvette asks to see Rene in the back room, where they find the two British airmen, once again shot down. The next day, the Allies reach the cafe. Gruber and Von Strohm decide to use the uniforms of the two British airmen to try to mingle out with the Allies, but they are caught as Von Klinkerhoffen arrives at the cafe to conduct the official surrender. Flick and Von Smallhausen try to use a mini-submarine to reach the ocean, via a secret tunnel under the town. Instead, they crash through the wall of the cafe, into the arms of the Allies. The war ends, and Rene is pinned with a medal as a hero by the Allies. The scene outside fades to the near present. A fancy Mercedes pulls into the square, where an old chauffeur, Von Strohm, opens the door for the rich owners of the car--Helga and Gruber. They enter the cafe to find things amazingly similar. They are told by Rene's young adopted son that he is outside, where Yvette is helping him use the public facility. Everyone ends up meeting in the square, next to the statue of Rene built by Alphonse. Upstairs, an older Mimi attends to the bedridden Edith. Outside, Gruber tells Rene how he became an international art dealer after the war. Rene explains that he never found the painting, which he accidentally misplaced just prior to the invasion. Gruber accidentally strikes the arm of the statue and it breaks, and the rolled-up painting falls out of the concrete statue. Stunned by the sudden recovery of the long-lost art work, everyone enters the cafe to decide how to split up the painting, now worth millions. Rene and Yvette, now carrying the painting, instead sneak over to Gruber's car. Edith, now hobbling down into the square, sees them. ("Rene! What are you doing with that serving girl?!?" ... "You stupid woman....can't you see? I...am...eloping!") The final shot is of the car pulling away from the square, with everyone else in a slow walking chase. Author: aleksLEGENDA Keywords: allo alo 'allo alloallo season 09 renee rene crabtree alphonse germans ivet gruber sitcom british humor world war bbc Added: May 26, 2008

"Denouement" part2 THE LAST EPISODE OF 'ALLO 'ALLO !!! - The Allies are nearly ready to reach Nouvion. Yvette asks to see Rene in the back room, where they find the two British airmen, once again shot down. The next day, the Allies reach the cafe. Gruber and Von Strohm decide to use the uniforms of the two British airmen to try to mingle out with the Allies, but they are caught as Von Klinkerhoffen arrives at the cafe to conduct the official surrender. Flick and Von Smallhausen try to use a mini-submarine to reach the ocean, via a secret tunnel under the town. Instead, they crash through the wall of the cafe, into the arms of the Allies. The war ends, and Rene is pinned with a medal as a hero by the Allies. The scene outside fades to the near present. A fancy Mercedes pulls into the square, where an old chauffeur, Von Strohm, opens the door for the rich owners of the car--Helga and Gruber. They enter the cafe to find things amazingly similar. They are told by Rene's young adopted son that he is outside, where Yvette is helping him use the public facility. Everyone ends up meeting in the square, next to the statue of Rene built by Alphonse. Upstairs, an older Mimi attends to the bedridden Edith. Outside, Gruber tells Rene how he became an international art dealer after the war. Rene explains that he never found the painting, which he accidentally misplaced just prior to the invasion. Gruber accidentally strikes the arm of the statue and it breaks, and the rolled-up painting falls out of the concrete statue. Stunned by the sudden recovery of the long-lost art work, everyone enters the cafe to decide how to split up the painting, now worth millions. Rene and Yvette, now carrying the painting, instead sneak over to Gruber's car. Edith, now hobbling down into the square, sees them. ("Rene! What are you doing with that serving girl?!?" ... "You stupid woman....can't you see? I...am...eloping!") The final shot is of the car pulling away from the square, with everyone else in a slow walking chase. Author: aleksLEGENDA Keywords: allo alo 'allo alloallo season 09 renee rene crabtree alphonse germans ivet gruber sitcom british humor world war bbc Added: May 26, 2008

"Sand Trap" part2 - Alphonse continues work on the statue of Rene. Von Klinkerhoffen takes Gruber and Von Strohm golfing, where they discuss the assassination plans. Meanwhile, Flick, Von Smallhousen and Helga listen in on the plans via a bugged golf club. Later, at the train station where the painting is to be delivered, Flick intercepts the picture frame, instead thinking it is the original painting of the "Fallen Madonna." The villagers arrive at the coast, but instead find the Allied troops invading the beach. Author: aleksLEGENDA Keywords: allo alo 'allo alloallo season 09 renee rene crabtree alphonse germans ivet gruber sitcom british humor world war bbc Added: May 26, 2008

Amused to the point of disgust. The Colonel's feud with Stephen Hawkins continues and explains his plans to send Hawkins and Phil Spector into space.

A sniper tries to take out the Colonel, Chic Sikhs, Chris Martin, Frank Lampard's thumbs and why we allow the Scottish to play tennis

"Missing And Presumed Dead" part3 - Rene finds himself living as a love slave to the Communist resistance. Gruber and Von Strohm try to collect the painting, but Edith is unsure of its whereabouts. The pair agree to pay for a statue of Rene, who is assumed killed in the windmill explosion. Flick reveals his new face and tries to swindle Edith out of the painting. Von Klinkerhoffen takes Gruber and Von Strohm hunting, where they shoot Rene, who is escaping from the resistance by disguising himself under a elkskin bedspread. Author: aleksLEGENDA Keywords: allo alo 'allo alloallo season 09 renee rene crabtree alphonse germans ivet gruber sitcom british humor world war bbc Added: May 19, 2008

"Missing And Presumed Dead" part1 - Rene finds himself living as a love slave to the Communist resistance. Gruber and Von Strohm try to collect the painting, but Edith is unsure of its whereabouts. The pair agree to pay for a statue of Rene, who is assumed killed in the windmill explosion. Flick reveals his new face and tries to swindle Edith out of the painting. Von Klinkerhoffen takes Gruber and Von Strohm hunting, where they shoot Rene, who is escaping from the resistance by disguising himself under a elkskin bedspread. Author: aleksLEGENDA Keywords: allo alo 'allo alloallo season 09 renee rene crabtree alphonse germans ivet gruber sitcom british humor world war bbc Added: May 19, 2008

"Fighting With Windmills' part3 - Gruber and Von Strohm return from their failed escape attempt. Rene agrees to hide the painting, still missing a boobie, and suggests the Germans fake their own kidnapping by hiding in the windmill. Rene must later rescue them, though, as Von Klinkerhoffen decides to use the windmill for target practice. Rene rescues the pair, but is left alone only to be taken hostage himself by the girls of the Communist resistance. Meanwhile, a heavily-bandaged Flick tells Helga he has had plastic surgery to avoid capture by the Allies. Author: aleksLEGENDA Keywords: allo alo 'allo alloallo season 09 renee rene crabtree alphonse germans ivet gruber sitcom british humor world war bbc Added: May 19, 2008

"Rene Artois is Still Dead" part2 - Rene has buckshot removed from his rear. Michelle plans to smuggle Rene to England, since he is still assumed by the Germans to be dead in the windmill explosion. Flick continues to pump information from Edith. After the plans to go to England are delayed, Rene instead decides to turn himself into the Germans, faking amnesia from the explosion. Author: aleksLEGENDA Keywords: allo alo 'allo alloallo season 09 renee rene crabtree alphonse germans ivet gruber sitcom british humor world war bbc Added: May 18, 2008

"Emigration" part3 - Edith and Rene are rescued by British troops prior to their execution, and are released in the woods when their true identities are revealed. Edith's mother and Leclerc, assuming Rene and Edith to be dead, make off with the cafe's money and flee to Paris. Upon finding out that the photo of Gruber holding the painting has indeed been passed on to Von Klinkerhoffen, the two German officers decide to make their escape to Spain with the traveling flamenco dancers. Before they depart, though, they meet with Flick at the cafe to swap the painting for the 10 million francs. Both sides trick each other, though, as Flick has substituted scrap paper for the money, and the fleeing officers had only given Flick the disembodied "boobie." Finally, Yvette and Rene find out the pregnancy results were an error. Author: aleksLEGENDA Keywords: allo alo 'allo alloallo season 08 renee rene crabtree alphonse germans ivet gruber sitcom british humor world war bbc Added: May 18, 2008

"Emigration" part2 - Edith and Rene are rescued by British troops prior to their execution, and are released in the woods when their true identities are revealed. Edith's mother and Leclerc, assuming Rene and Edith to be dead, make off with the cafe's money and flee to Paris. Upon finding out that the photo of Gruber holding the painting has indeed been passed on to Von Klinkerhoffen, the two German officers decide to make their escape to Spain with the traveling flamenco dancers. Before they depart, though, they meet with Flick at the cafe to swap the painting for the 10 million francs. Both sides trick each other, though, as Flick has substituted scrap paper for the money, and the fleeing officers had only given Flick the disembodied "boobie." Finally, Yvette and Rene find out the pregnancy results were an error. Author: aleksLEGENDA Keywords: allo alo 'allo alloallo season 08 renee rene crabtree alphonse germans ivet gruber sitcom british humor world war bbc Added: May 18, 2008

"Emigration" part1 - Edith and Rene are rescued by British troops prior to their execution, and are released in the woods when their true identities are revealed. Edith's mother and Leclerc, assuming Rene and Edith to be dead, make off with the cafe's money and flee to Paris. Upon finding out that the photo of Gruber holding the painting has indeed been passed on to Von Klinkerhoffen, the two German officers decide to make their escape to Spain with the traveling flamenco dancers. Before they depart, though, they meet with Flick at the cafe to swap the painting for the 10 million francs. Both sides trick each other, though, as Flick has substituted scrap paper for the money, and the fleeing officers had only given Flick the disembodied "boobie." Finally, Yvette and Rene find out the pregnancy results were an error. Author: aleksLEGENDA Keywords: allo alo 'allo alloallo season 08 renee rene crabtree alphonse germans ivet gruber sitcom british humor world war bbc Added: May 18, 2008

The Colonel returns... Sage is sporting shorts and Crabtree is in silk... What exactly is the relationship between Dale Winton and the President of Iran? Also this week... beating and whipping, celebrity chefs, Mr. Blobby, fat people and fondling