Onion News Network

Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos.

11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.

Officials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go smoothly

Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.

An honors student died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for Glenn Beck.

People are breathing a sigh of relief today for the long-suffering spectators' sudden deaths, and for the total elimination of the Clippers' roster off the face of the earth.

Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality.

In The Know panelists call Biden's decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting 'disgusting' and 'completely inappropriate.'

Steam Room analysts debate whether the International Fencing Federation should reign in this rogue, or if De La Croix will narrowly escape yet again.

Dan Kellogg visits Today NOW! with money tips for one particular woman who forgot to close her bedroom drapes last night.

White House officials are confident the President will be able to convince the wildfire to stop incinerating large swaths of land and American homes.

Panelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving, considerate family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of resentment towards relatives.

On Raw Justice, host Dean Reid investigates the closed case of an 'accidental' fire and finds shocking new evidence of sexually motivated arson

8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck.

Congress is deadlocked on the best way to get a bat out of their committee chamber.

As Americans rush to join the Nouveau Poor, panelists debate whether the newly poor are capable of integrating with long established poor families from old poverty roots.

Innocent civilians across the impact zone are picking up the pieces after Secretary of State Clinton's tedious visits to their farms, cultural centers

Americans say attending a 9/11 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong.