Still Going by Emmanuel Sigauke
Still Going by Emmanuel Sigauke
Listen.
I was going to the gathering and no one would stop me. Not even Mai, not Maiguru. Nothing, not even the duty to take care of the goats would get in the way. I was going to meet with Chari behind Chisiya Hill, join others like us on the road to Mototi Primary show more...
School , and arrive at the gathering before the dancing began. The only person who would have been able to stop me was Mukoma, but he was away in South Africa and no one knew when he would be back. With no one to stop me, I was sure going to that gathering.
I got dressed and combed my hair, then brushed my teeth with an old toothbrush which once belonged to my late half brother, Baba John. I had just squeezed the last smudge of toothpaste, something Maiguru would punish me for, but with the importance of the gathering, I wanted to look and smell my best.
As I began walking out of the homestead, Maiguru arrived, returning from the river. She staggered under the weight of the oversized water bucket Mukoma had made for her before he left the country. She entered the kitchen hut and set the bucket in its place, but rushed outside to stop me.
'Where do you think you are going?' she said.
'I told you this morning.'
'You can't go to the pastures in those clothes. If your brother hears you abuse the clothes he toiled for in South Africa , you know he is going to kill you,' she said, walking towards to me.
'No he will not!' I said.
'Heya? Wait until he returns.'
'If he returns,' I said.
She probably was right about Mukoma beating me if he ever found out that I went goat herding in these clothes, but she was wrong in thinking I was on my way to the pastures. In fact, I think she was pretending not to know where I was going, to make me change my mind. But I was not going to change my mind for anything, not even because of Mai, my mother, or Maiguru, my brother's wife. Even if the sun or the trees begged me not go, even if clouds gathered urgently to send ropes of rain and heaps of hail, I would still go.
'Hey! Did you even hear what I said? You can't go to the goats like that!'
'You know I'm not going to the pastures. You knew this morning, you knew yesterday. How do you want me to tell you that I am going, no matter what you say or do?'
'Going where? To the Gungano?'
I nodded and resumed walking. I knew she knew.
'Hey you! No one here, not even your mother, would let you go to those strange people.'
'I am going.' I increased my speed. 'And they are not strange people. You know that.'
Maiguru laughed scornfully, then bent to remove a thorn or something that had pricked her toe. When she straightened up, her laughter had died completely. Her face showed something else, perhaps the ghost of that laughter, but, sorry, not today. I was going. I could picture others getting ready to gather under the huge Muunga tree at the primary school where the people she was calling strange had rented several classrooms. I could already picture those nicely dressed—.
'Come back here, boy!' she shouted, speeding towards me.
Although I was only thirteen, she had no right to call me boy. As my big brother's wife, the only thing she could call me was Babamunini. Small husband. I knew if Mukoma ever found out that she called me boy, he would make her wish she had never been born. He had even told me once that when he was away, I was the man of the house, helping with chores, and listening, which meant being listened to. Even Mai had told me to stand my ground if Maiguru ever tried to beat me again, like she had done when I was nine. Mother had added, 'She is as good as your wife. If your brother dies, you could easily become her real husband when you grow up. She has to respect you like a husband.'
I stiffened and started walking tall, legs wide apart like a giant's.
'You're sure asking for trouble today, silly boy,' she said, breaking into a jog, which made her look funny, as if she was a locust with broken wings.
'I'm going to the gathering,' I shouted.
'No, you are not!'
'I truly am!' I broke into a trot too.
'Keep thinking you're and you'll see what's going to happen to you.'
'Yes, what's going to happen to me?' I slowed down, to hear this clearly.
'I will thrash you like a snake. Turn around right now and come back here. Don't think because your brother is away you can do what you want. You are still a child. If I say don't go, then you are not going. It's that simple!'
She caught up with and overtook me; then she blocked my way and said, 'I want you to go back home and take off those clothes! Now!'
I tried to continue trotting, tried to pass by her left side, but she swung to the left, swung to the right, and blocked me, each time saying, 'I'm going to kill you! Serious! Don't play with me boy, you understand?' But I wasn't going to understand anything. Not today. I swerved to the right edge of the path, coming close to having my pants grabbed by a thorn bush, but there she was, in front of me again, her arms outstretched, flailing. I turned to the left, but there she was again, shouting, 'You're not going to that church of evil!' She was drenched in sweat.
Did she know me well? Perhaps she was used to the bed-wetting boy she had always beaten with a rawhide whip, then bribed with sweets when Mukoma was coming home for the holidays. Well, at this age, I was going to take care of myself. And to this new church I was going.
I charged directly towards her. If she chose not to move out of my way, well, she might as well be prepared to fall like a Mutsviri tree struck by lightning. But she remained there, solid like a rock, defiant like a pregnant pig.
I stood too, looking at her eyes. She did not move. I kicked a rock and stamped on the ground like an angry donkey. Still, she did not get out the way; instead, she folded her arms and forced a smile, which bloomed into a sneer. Fine!
I turned around sharply, already shaking with anger. She did not know me well. Who was she to stop me? I had already promised Chari that I would be there to show him my new dance moves. Maybe Chari had already decided to go without me. Others were probably already enjoying themselves in the dancing circle as the drums sung a chorus no one could ignore. Just the thought of the lead singer's voice tearing the air and the first drum reacting made me want to do something, I didn't know what, to Maiguru.
I ran back to the compound and entered the storage hut, the tsapi. That was where I kept it, the long, thick metal rod. Before Maiguru knew what was happening, I reemerged with the rod and tore my way straight towards her. If you are smart, you better run, I thought as I advanced. As I drew closer and closer she was becoming smaller and smaller. I was going to kill her for trying to stop me. What could be more important than the promise I had made to Chari ? The dance moves I had practised for a whole week, which I was going to surprise the group with? And all the people cheering and applauding? Besides, just being there, being part of this big day when our branch was going to be launched, before the visiting preachers returned to Mberengwa, the group's headquarters, was not an experience I could miss. If I they saw me dancing, they would sure make me one of the youth leaders.
I drew closer to her, metal rod poised.
'What are you doing, boy? Just try any silliness and I will beat you until you die.'
She remained rooted on the same spot, hands planted in her waist like she was posing for a photo. I drew closer and raised the metal rod higher. When I started lowering it, she turned and took off toward Chigorira hill. I chased after her, holding the metal high in the air. I was going to whack her like a baboon, to show her that no one could stop me from going to my new church. She was trying to make me miss the first round of dances, the one in which the girls would spring to their feet in response to the wail of the drums, immediately forming into a graceful procession, as the circle of people around them widened to give them more room to plough the earth with their bare feet. How they would quiver to one side, then sway and harm the ground in tune to the deep groans of the bass drums and the tremor of the tenor ones. I didn't want to miss the part the girls would spread out and not even pay attention to their flying skirts as their bodies shot high into the air and hit the ground like hail, only to bounce up again. This was the point when the girls seemed like they were dancing on a tough spring mattress, or as if their feet were made of out of springs. The crowd always went wild, clapping and ululating, and drowning the drums with their heightened, possessed singing. No, I could not miss all that. And I haven't even mentioned what would happen when the boys joined the girls in the dance circle, especially since one of those boys would be me, displaying my new skills. And here she was telling me to go do what? Herd goats?
She ran faster than I had ever imagined her capable. The thrill of it, the fact that the person who once chased me across the village was the one speeding from me, made me tremble as I ran. And if she thought she could outrun me and that I would give up, she was just dreaming. I was right behind her metal rod still poised.
'You are crazy!' she shouted as she ran. She did not turn or slow down, and I pursued her like a dog chasing a hare. She was now consumed in a cloud of dust that her feet raised. She kept running, without saying anything else. When she got to the hill she jumped onto a big rock surface, but slipped. What happened next slowed me down, brought me to a standstill. She fell on her back, landing heavily on the bare ground, the back of her head bruising the earth and stopping close to my feet. I raised the metal and was about to strike when I saw her eyes. I dropped the rod, turned around and took off in the direction we had come from. I ran, not knowing why I was running even after it had become clear that she wasn't following me. I ran toward Chisiya hill, now sweating. Then I heard a voice, 'Where are you running to like that, boy?' That was Mai coming back from somewhere. She carried a sack on her head.
'Where do you think you are going?' she asked again.
'Nowhere. Just running!' I said, without slowing down.
'Liar! Just say you are running to that new group of yours,' she shouted. 'Make sure you don't spend all night there. You have to help your Maiguru with the goats. You understand, boy?'
'Yes!' I said, now out of breath, but increasing my speed.
Nothing, not even Mai, nor Maiguru, not even brother, would stop me. If I ran faster I would arrive just as they were about to start the second round of dances, which was usually the longest.
I ran and ran and heard the drum playing in my heart. I ran and ran and in my mind's eye saw bodies leaping into the air. I flew and thought I heard Chari laughing when he saw I had not kept my promise. I ran and ran, then saw a group of people coming my way. I slowed down to capture a better view. There in that group was Chari talking to Ngoni. I came to a complete stop. They were walking towards me, returning from the gathering. Was it over already, or had they decided not to go after I had failed to meet them on time?
I tried to turn and walk away before Chari saw me, but I could not, because he was looking directly at me, a smile lighting his usually flavorless face. He said, 'You are lucky, boy! You better thank evil spirits for causing the service to be cancelled.'
The service was cancelled?
'I was going show you your little skills were nothing compared to mine; then I was going to have the whole school laugh at you tomorrow,' Chari said, as the drew closer to where I stood.
I did not say anything, my mind racing in all directions: the metal rod, the running after Maiguru, the look in her eyes after she fell from the rock, my escape…But why had the service been cancelled?
Although I didn't get to ask the question, Ngoni, still walking beside Chari like he was now his best friend said, 'One of the deacons fell and hurt himself badly, so the elders had to take him to the hospital. It was that serious, I tell you.'
'You are one lucky idiot. But now you have to come with us to something different and more interesting,' said Chari . 'You are not going to know yet what we are up to.'
The group, faces turned to me, resumed walking. A walking group of boys and several girls, a group returning from a cancelled service but already going somewhere my presence was required, but not requested, such a group could not be ignored. I joined them and started walking toward wherever they were going.
I got dressed and combed my hair, then brushed my teeth with an old toothbrush which once belonged to my late half brother, Baba John. I had just squeezed the last smudge of toothpaste, something Maiguru would punish me for, but with the importance of the gathering, I wanted to look and smell my best.
As I began walking out of the homestead, Maiguru arrived, returning from the river. She staggered under the weight of the oversized water bucket Mukoma had made for her before he left the country. She entered the kitchen hut and set the bucket in its place, but rushed outside to stop me.
'Where do you think you are going?' she said.
'I told you this morning.'
'You can't go to the pastures in those clothes. If your brother hears you abuse the clothes he toiled for in South Africa , you know he is going to kill you,' she said, walking towards to me.
'No he will not!' I said.
'Heya? Wait until he returns.'
'If he returns,' I said.
She probably was right about Mukoma beating me if he ever found out that I went goat herding in these clothes, but she was wrong in thinking I was on my way to the pastures. In fact, I think she was pretending not to know where I was going, to make me change my mind. But I was not going to change my mind for anything, not even because of Mai, my mother, or Maiguru, my brother's wife. Even if the sun or the trees begged me not go, even if clouds gathered urgently to send ropes of rain and heaps of hail, I would still go.
'Hey! Did you even hear what I said? You can't go to the goats like that!'
'You know I'm not going to the pastures. You knew this morning, you knew yesterday. How do you want me to tell you that I am going, no matter what you say or do?'
'Going where? To the Gungano?'
I nodded and resumed walking. I knew she knew.
'Hey you! No one here, not even your mother, would let you go to those strange people.'
'I am going.' I increased my speed. 'And they are not strange people. You know that.'
Maiguru laughed scornfully, then bent to remove a thorn or something that had pricked her toe. When she straightened up, her laughter had died completely. Her face showed something else, perhaps the ghost of that laughter, but, sorry, not today. I was going. I could picture others getting ready to gather under the huge Muunga tree at the primary school where the people she was calling strange had rented several classrooms. I could already picture those nicely dressed—.
'Come back here, boy!' she shouted, speeding towards me.
Although I was only thirteen, she had no right to call me boy. As my big brother's wife, the only thing she could call me was Babamunini. Small husband. I knew if Mukoma ever found out that she called me boy, he would make her wish she had never been born. He had even told me once that when he was away, I was the man of the house, helping with chores, and listening, which meant being listened to. Even Mai had told me to stand my ground if Maiguru ever tried to beat me again, like she had done when I was nine. Mother had added, 'She is as good as your wife. If your brother dies, you could easily become her real husband when you grow up. She has to respect you like a husband.'
I stiffened and started walking tall, legs wide apart like a giant's.
'You're sure asking for trouble today, silly boy,' she said, breaking into a jog, which made her look funny, as if she was a locust with broken wings.
'I'm going to the gathering,' I shouted.
'No, you are not!'
'I truly am!' I broke into a trot too.
'Keep thinking you're and you'll see what's going to happen to you.'
'Yes, what's going to happen to me?' I slowed down, to hear this clearly.
'I will thrash you like a snake. Turn around right now and come back here. Don't think because your brother is away you can do what you want. You are still a child. If I say don't go, then you are not going. It's that simple!'
She caught up with and overtook me; then she blocked my way and said, 'I want you to go back home and take off those clothes! Now!'
I tried to continue trotting, tried to pass by her left side, but she swung to the left, swung to the right, and blocked me, each time saying, 'I'm going to kill you! Serious! Don't play with me boy, you understand?' But I wasn't going to understand anything. Not today. I swerved to the right edge of the path, coming close to having my pants grabbed by a thorn bush, but there she was, in front of me again, her arms outstretched, flailing. I turned to the left, but there she was again, shouting, 'You're not going to that church of evil!' She was drenched in sweat.
Did she know me well? Perhaps she was used to the bed-wetting boy she had always beaten with a rawhide whip, then bribed with sweets when Mukoma was coming home for the holidays. Well, at this age, I was going to take care of myself. And to this new church I was going.
I charged directly towards her. If she chose not to move out of my way, well, she might as well be prepared to fall like a Mutsviri tree struck by lightning. But she remained there, solid like a rock, defiant like a pregnant pig.
I stood too, looking at her eyes. She did not move. I kicked a rock and stamped on the ground like an angry donkey. Still, she did not get out the way; instead, she folded her arms and forced a smile, which bloomed into a sneer. Fine!
I turned around sharply, already shaking with anger. She did not know me well. Who was she to stop me? I had already promised Chari that I would be there to show him my new dance moves. Maybe Chari had already decided to go without me. Others were probably already enjoying themselves in the dancing circle as the drums sung a chorus no one could ignore. Just the thought of the lead singer's voice tearing the air and the first drum reacting made me want to do something, I didn't know what, to Maiguru.
I ran back to the compound and entered the storage hut, the tsapi. That was where I kept it, the long, thick metal rod. Before Maiguru knew what was happening, I reemerged with the rod and tore my way straight towards her. If you are smart, you better run, I thought as I advanced. As I drew closer and closer she was becoming smaller and smaller. I was going to kill her for trying to stop me. What could be more important than the promise I had made to Chari ? The dance moves I had practised for a whole week, which I was going to surprise the group with? And all the people cheering and applauding? Besides, just being there, being part of this big day when our branch was going to be launched, before the visiting preachers returned to Mberengwa, the group's headquarters, was not an experience I could miss. If I they saw me dancing, they would sure make me one of the youth leaders.
I drew closer to her, metal rod poised.
'What are you doing, boy? Just try any silliness and I will beat you until you die.'
She remained rooted on the same spot, hands planted in her waist like she was posing for a photo. I drew closer and raised the metal rod higher. When I started lowering it, she turned and took off toward Chigorira hill. I chased after her, holding the metal high in the air. I was going to whack her like a baboon, to show her that no one could stop me from going to my new church. She was trying to make me miss the first round of dances, the one in which the girls would spring to their feet in response to the wail of the drums, immediately forming into a graceful procession, as the circle of people around them widened to give them more room to plough the earth with their bare feet. How they would quiver to one side, then sway and harm the ground in tune to the deep groans of the bass drums and the tremor of the tenor ones. I didn't want to miss the part the girls would spread out and not even pay attention to their flying skirts as their bodies shot high into the air and hit the ground like hail, only to bounce up again. This was the point when the girls seemed like they were dancing on a tough spring mattress, or as if their feet were made of out of springs. The crowd always went wild, clapping and ululating, and drowning the drums with their heightened, possessed singing. No, I could not miss all that. And I haven't even mentioned what would happen when the boys joined the girls in the dance circle, especially since one of those boys would be me, displaying my new skills. And here she was telling me to go do what? Herd goats?
She ran faster than I had ever imagined her capable. The thrill of it, the fact that the person who once chased me across the village was the one speeding from me, made me tremble as I ran. And if she thought she could outrun me and that I would give up, she was just dreaming. I was right behind her metal rod still poised.
'You are crazy!' she shouted as she ran. She did not turn or slow down, and I pursued her like a dog chasing a hare. She was now consumed in a cloud of dust that her feet raised. She kept running, without saying anything else. When she got to the hill she jumped onto a big rock surface, but slipped. What happened next slowed me down, brought me to a standstill. She fell on her back, landing heavily on the bare ground, the back of her head bruising the earth and stopping close to my feet. I raised the metal and was about to strike when I saw her eyes. I dropped the rod, turned around and took off in the direction we had come from. I ran, not knowing why I was running even after it had become clear that she wasn't following me. I ran toward Chisiya hill, now sweating. Then I heard a voice, 'Where are you running to like that, boy?' That was Mai coming back from somewhere. She carried a sack on her head.
'Where do you think you are going?' she asked again.
'Nowhere. Just running!' I said, without slowing down.
'Liar! Just say you are running to that new group of yours,' she shouted. 'Make sure you don't spend all night there. You have to help your Maiguru with the goats. You understand, boy?'
'Yes!' I said, now out of breath, but increasing my speed.
Nothing, not even Mai, nor Maiguru, not even brother, would stop me. If I ran faster I would arrive just as they were about to start the second round of dances, which was usually the longest.
I ran and ran and heard the drum playing in my heart. I ran and ran and in my mind's eye saw bodies leaping into the air. I flew and thought I heard Chari laughing when he saw I had not kept my promise. I ran and ran, then saw a group of people coming my way. I slowed down to capture a better view. There in that group was Chari talking to Ngoni. I came to a complete stop. They were walking towards me, returning from the gathering. Was it over already, or had they decided not to go after I had failed to meet them on time?
I tried to turn and walk away before Chari saw me, but I could not, because he was looking directly at me, a smile lighting his usually flavorless face. He said, 'You are lucky, boy! You better thank evil spirits for causing the service to be cancelled.'
The service was cancelled?
'I was going show you your little skills were nothing compared to mine; then I was going to have the whole school laugh at you tomorrow,' Chari said, as the drew closer to where I stood.
I did not say anything, my mind racing in all directions: the metal rod, the running after Maiguru, the look in her eyes after she fell from the rock, my escape…But why had the service been cancelled?
Although I didn't get to ask the question, Ngoni, still walking beside Chari like he was now his best friend said, 'One of the deacons fell and hurt himself badly, so the elders had to take him to the hospital. It was that serious, I tell you.'
'You are one lucky idiot. But now you have to come with us to something different and more interesting,' said Chari . 'You are not going to know yet what we are up to.'
The group, faces turned to me, resumed walking. A walking group of boys and several girls, a group returning from a cancelled service but already going somewhere my presence was required, but not requested, such a group could not be ignored. I joined them and started walking toward wherever they were going.
Still Going was written by Emmanuel Sigauke.
Copyright Emmanuel Sigauke 2008.
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Munyori Poetry Journal
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