SomaCow 342: Yes Yes Y’all

said, we certainly want to pay respect to great black music. Who among us hasn’t felt the joggle and bounce of some great “urban” beats and desperately wished they could “hustle”, whatever that is? The sad reality is that it takes a lot to bridge the gap between whites and blacks with regard to music. Sure, it’s easier for you kids today with your equal regard for one another and your crazy zebra love, but there was a lot of racial confusion and misunderstanding leading up to such synergy.

I figured this would be a good time to provide you, dear loyal reader, with my list of the top five Entry-Level Black Artists, Those That Made White People Timidly Shake Shake Shake That Ass, that aren’t Run DMC.

#1. Mike Jackson - He died. Boohoo. Sob. He also may or may not have touched kids, slept with Elvis’s daughter, and freaked out a generation. But before all that, he wanted to rock with you. See? ROCK. Gently lulling the white butt to the dance floor, entrancing white flute-loving folks with his randomly high voice and slick beats, Michael made a lot of people forget his origins as a jive-ass Jackson. And he spent a lot of money bleaching whatever remained.

#2. Wil Smith, aka Will Smith, aka Willard Christopher, aka The Fresh Prince, aka “That nice one” - Before he beat the hell out of Aliens and Zombies and Immortals, Will was a rapper your mom could get behind, or in front of as it was a well known fact that Will Smith would do your mom. Maybe he added the extra ‘l’ for ‘legit’ when he became legit. Legit.

#3. Digital Underground aka Greg “Shock G” Jacobs, a Florida boy! He brought a Weird Al clothing to dope beats. Some of the best lyrics ever written in the “Humpty Dance” and guaranteed to be heard booming out of various pick-up trucks and Preludes across white America. What I liked is that he would just let the music and beat keep on going and rap freestyle to it.

#4. MC Hammer with his lead in “You Can’t Touch This” instantly enslaved an entired generation of MTV listeners, forcing them to take the plunge into black music, equiped only with some parachute pants and some of the chunkiest technicolor fly girls ever filmed. Why are his pants so baggy? Because they’re filled with hope.

#5. Onyx - In theory, this is also a rap band, but you know them as the guys that provide legitamcy to Biohazard’s “Slam”. A little know fact is that there are no actual lyrics to “Slam” or if there are, you’re not aware of them, being white, but you feel authentic as you bounce your head just in time for the chorus again to repeat “slam slam duh duh duh, duh duh duh, nana noise be boys, slam”

Did I miss anyone?

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