Originally dunked at SomaCow.com
In this hour, we discussed the Injustice Perpetrated by Dunkin’ Donuts, the Magic’s chances of winning the NBA Finals, and the fact that the cake is a lie.
A Google Search of “Dunkin Donuts Sucks”
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results in over 90,000 relevant hits, which just goes to show you that the internet is DEAD ACCURATE. I have been working myself into a lather over what went down last Friday. For those of you blissfully unaware, DD offered a free doughnut to anyone that purchases a drink. Ours were out of doughnuts all day. ALL DAY. Those I spoke to that DID obtain a free doughnut were forced to have a horrific doughnut experience. No delicious Boston cremes, or delicate crullers, no… they had to endure the truly awful cinnamon cake, or even the dread powdered arsenic.
I implore you, in the name of all that is tasty, to join me in boycotting this pathetic entity known as Dunkin’ Donuts. You need a reason? I have five:
1. Rachel Ray. Period. Rachel Ray has already made the entire Food Network unwatchable, and she does it with a cup of DD at her side.
2. Bad Iced Coffee. Try it sometime, and listen to my comments regarding such here on the show. Watery, gruely, gritty with sugar, and God Forbid you order it with Cream, because the thing they will hand out the window to you resembles a quart of diseased animal husbandry.
3. Thick, Lead Doughnuts. Seriously, bite for bite, a Dunkin Donuts Doughnut is 3.4 lbs of pain. Doughnuts should be light, fluffy, kind, sweet, friendly, not compacted, dense, chalky cornbread.
4. Slave Labor. You know why that sweet old time to make the doughnuts guy died? Because he, apparently, had to make the doughnuts for the entire world. I know none of the DD near me make any, or else they wouldn’t have run out. Poor old bastard was chained to the machine, I bet, pushing out small round rings of sadness for the world, like some kind of slave Santa. Ho. Ho. Sob.
5. Spelling. It’s DOUGHnut, you freaks. I hereby dub thee Dunkin Do Not, because you will end up with a coffee cup filled with cakey salty sadness filled pain brick.
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